Dr Pam Spurr

Sexual thrills outside of marriage - questions and answers

Sexual thrills outside of marriage - questions and answers about a website for adultery

Is it a good solution for boredom for women and men looking for some excitement/sexual fulfillment outside their marriages?

"This isn't a good solution for men and women looking for sexual thrills and/or fulfilment outside their marriage. I always ask people how they’d feel if their positions were reversed and it was their partner going on to such a website and having illicit sexual activity. They usually don't like that idea! Unfortunately the best relationships are about mutual respect and understanding and by taking part in this illicit sexual activity their relationship becomes very one-sided. Also in long-term relationships it's important to learn how to spice things up without going behind your partner's back."

Why do the majority of people using this site not feel guilty?

"People who can cut off from their supposedly loving and long-term partner in this manner are those who are also likely to cut off from emotions like guilt. The evolutionary purpose of guilt is to ensure that people feel uncomfortable when they've done something wrong. The optimal result is that they then act on these uncomfortable feelings to put something right."

Can being unfaithful ever be justified?

"I can’t see being "unfaithful" as ever being justified. There's a big difference between one partner who is unfaithful and couples who mutually agree to an open relationship and both seek out side sexual thrills. If someone is unfaithful because they are so dissatisfied or unhappy than they should either seek to improve their relationship or leave their relationship."

Why do women choose to stay in stale marriages and cheat rather than leave?

"Women might choose to stay in stale marriages and cheat in this way because of economic, social or family reasons. If they've got financial security they may not want to jeopardise this with a divorce. There may be social reasons why they think it's better to stay in a marriage and if they have children they might feel they can’t leave for this reason either. However there are usually ways to improve the situation so that they are happier in a relationship. Or if they are unhappy and dissatisfied in a relationship they shouldn't stay for these reasons anyway. "

Is it time society stopped judging and lived and let live or would this mean the end of morality as we know it?

"There wouldn't and shouldn’t be a reason to judge someone if both partners were aware of the sexual activity going on. Consenting adults should be allowed to be in an open or sexually experimental relationship if that’s what both want. However society should never stop "judging" when people are deceitful to the very person who is supposedly the most important person in their life. These social structures are in place to protect everyone involved in relationships and not just the selfish ones who’d like to stray." END