Six Steps To Sexual Bliss!
Step 1: Before-Play Is Crucial
A few years ago I coined the term "before-play" because so many people asked me why they didn't get turned on by foreplay with their lover! In 99% of the cases it’s because they had something else on their mind, e.g., their boss, arguments, chores - anything but sex. And seeing as your mind is your biggest sex organ it’ll be distracted by such things preventing you from enjoying foreplay.
Before-play means you've created the right circumstances where you’re both more likely to be turned on. For example, if you've had a disagreement or argument you've solved the issue or made up with each other. Or if you've got money worries you've discussed them and "put them to bed" for the evening. Perhaps your partner's had a really long day at work so you've taking extra care to help relax them. By being aware of the state of your relationship, and the demands on each other's lives, you’re engaging in before-play.
Step 2: Sensual Indulgence
Now you’re ready to turn up the heat. I find the people who have the most mind-blowing and sensational sex are those who give each other little sensual pleasures. Such things bond you together in meaningful ways but only take a little thought or energy and are incredibly pleasurable.
Offer to wash your lover's hair and gently caress their scalp as you run the warm water and shampoo over it. Or paint your girlfriend’s fingernails! Take each of her fingers gently and show her just how heavenly your touch can be as you paint each nail.
When you’re sharing a romantic dinner get a little bit rude with food. It's incredibly sensual to hold a warm asparagus spear, dripping with melted butter, as they take a bite. Or take some delicious chocolate mousse you’re having for dessert and slowly spoon it into their mouth.
You can turn practically any activity you do together into a sensual activity.
Step 3: How To Find Out What They Want
Many people are shy about saying what they like. On the one hand they worry they'll sound foolish or on the opposite extreme they don't want to sound too demanding.
If your lover doesn't show you or tell you what they want try these. Take their finger and gently suck and kiss it and ask if those sensations feel nice. Put that information to good use for kissing and sucking their different erogenous zones.
You can also ask them to tell you what they like. A good way to do this is to give them options. You can say something like, "do you prefer it when I stroke or squeeze you gently here?" This gives them the confidence to be honest.
If they need extra encouragement tell them it turns you on to be told what to do. Make it a playful game other experimentation where they simply have to "command" you by saying Yes or No if you’re touching the right spot and in the right way.
Step 4: Letting Them Know What You Want
Believe me your lover wants to know what turns you on, too! If you're worried you might sound like a sex maniac by telling them what you like use these tips to start slowly. Take their hand and guide it gently around your erogenous zones. Pause where it feels best and tell them, "I love being touched here." Give them loads of femme loads reassurance and keep telling them how good their touch feels.
Use a warm and sensual voice to encourage their confidence. You don't even have to say specific things but let them hear your little "sex sounds" that tell them it feels good where they're touching you. Sigh or moan a little to communicate pleasure.
Never tell them that you loved the way an ex-lover touched you. People hate being compared to ex's! It really knocks their confidence and people confide in me how it changes their feelings about their new partner when their skills are compared to the ex-partner’s bedroom skills.
Step 5: Your Private Pleasure Pack
Be creative and put together a little "pleasure pack" that you keep in your bedside table or dresser drawers. This means that when the mood strikes you’re ready for some sensational sex-play. There won't be any searching for the things that turn you both on.
Your private pleasure pack should include things like your favourite lubricant, Condoms, the sex toys you enjoy playing with, erotica if you enjoy reading it to each other, a blind fold for a kinky sex game, sexy stockings and silky knickers, tissues, massage oils, etc.
Step 6: Share Your Fantasies
Practically everyone has a secret fantasy life and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We as humans are incredibly creative and this stretches to our sexual fantasies. Your fantasy life can help keep your sexual relationship lively because we have such a capacity to dream up with new fantasies.
Here are a few tips to ensure that sharing your fantasies is a fantastic success. Always start gently. For example, if you fantasise about a little bit of bondage play don't tell your partner you're dying to dress from head to toe in black leather and whip them! Instead tell them you fantasise about gently tying their wrists with the silky cord from their dressing gown and teasing them until they can’t take it anymore.
Next it's always good bedroom manners to put them square in the middle of your fantasy. Don't tell them you're gagging to go to bed with Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts! Instead tell them you fantasise about a three-some where one of these actresses is at both of your beck and call. As your confidence grows you can take turns creating a fantasy scenario. One of you starts with the first line of the fantasy you want to chat about. Then the other says what happens next. And so on, as you take turns creating your own fantasy scenario.
Couples find that discussing fantasy scenarios, and sometimes doing a little bit of role-play around them, is definitely a great way to kick-start even the most flagging relationship. To do a little role-play, e.g., simply pretend you’re strangers that have met in a bar and you’re going to have a passionate one-night fling. You can give each other new names for the scenario and let go of your usual inhibitions. Enjoy!
I wrote a similar article for MSN.co.uk