Dr Pam Spurr

How To Enjoy Sex When Worried About Things Like Your Weight! Q & A

How To Enjoy Sex When You’re Worried About Things Like Your Weight!

I don't know any woman who doesn't fret about some aspect of her body or her skills when it comes to sex. It seems to be part of our nature to worry about every little thing and what our man might think of it! The problem is these little worries can escalate into big fears and sexual inhibitions - and we don't want that!

I'm going to tackle some of the most common issues that women worry about when it comes to sex. Read on and if you come to an area that's been troubling you I expect you to put my top tips into action!

Flabby bits

You know even top celebrities have flabby bits but they're very canny about wearing fashions that disguise them. We still look at them and think how sexy they are. The great thing about men - and I can promise you this is true - 99% of them NEVER notice the flabby bits. They look at the whole, beautiful you and think you're sexy!

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

Go shopping with a girlfriend and try on loads of different sexy gear. Ask her opinion on what disguises your flabby bits the best. Believe her and invest in some take-me-to-bed clothing.

Buy some candles and dot them around your bedroom and lounge - wherever you have sex with your partner. Keep a book of matches with them so that you can light them when you two are in the mood.

Have more sex! Because it burns calories and tightens your muscles so it will help tone-up any flabby bits.

Take up some fun activity that also burns calories - like going out dancing once a week.

Make him go "gaga" over your flabby bits by accentuating your curves and giving him a sexy, candle-lit lap dance. He'll be at your command if you do this for him!

Droopy boobs

Boobs have a habit of drooping - it's a fact of life. The important thing it is not to worry about it as there are different things you can do!

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

Buy a sexy bra and knicker set to seduce him in. The trick here is that the bra is going to look so fab that you get passionate with it still on. Imagine you're in a sex position sitting on top of him - "the girls on top" position - and you've got that gorgeous bra still on. Sexily slip your hand into each of the cups and pull your nipples out so they just peek over the edge of the bra. Then keep moving up and down while you're on top of him and he'll love the eyeful he gets a view of! He'll never guess that they sag down to your waist without that sexy bra on.

Also you can "disguise" your droopy boobs by choosing a "girls on top position" where you lie flat on top of him with your legs either inside of his or outside his - both feel great. Your droopy boobs will be squashed against his chest and he'll think they feel fantastic and won’t worry about their droopiness! Also you can ask him to do the Doggy style position - he won't be able to see them bouncing away when he's behind you.

To help improve the muscle-tone that supports your breasts do a little exercise. Begin with a couple press-ups each day, building to 10 or 20 each day. Also swimming is fantastic for the pectoral muscles - the ones that give you support. Why do you think they call it the "breaststroke"? Because it gives you a workout there!

Losing your inhibitions

Most women have some sort of sexual inhibitions - these range from worrying about one part of their body, to wanting the lights completely off, to thinking they're no good in bed. All of these can be solved because they are all in your mind!

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

Begin by changing your mind-set about whatever your "problem" is. For example, if you think your bottom is too big or that you’re no good in bed then challenge that thinking. Every time you think such a thing, say to yourself, "my bum is not big - it's gorgeous!" Or "Of course I'm good in bed!" Because research shows that thinking positive definitely sorts such things out and either you can just keep thinking negatively or begin to believe good stuff about yourself.

Next I want you to generally boost your confidence. Think of your top three personality traits - maybe you’re kind, funny, and you care about other people's feelings. Every day remind yourself of these qualities. The more you begin to believe you're a great person, the more you'll realise your little worries about sex don't mean anything.

Now I want you to select your best physical attribute and learn to emphasise that. Maybe you think it’s your legs, or your bum or even your cheeky smile. Make sure you emphasise whatever it is with the clothes you choose and the make-up you wear.

It's also important that you let go of any negative beliefs like "if you enjoy sex then you're a slut". Such negative beliefs about sex stop your enjoyment of sex - and they are ridiculous and destructive. Whenever you start to feel that way and think these thoughts then tell yourself you're wrong - that you deserve to have good sex, that you're in control of and feel confident about.

Finally, when you're trying to get over worries and inhibitions you should let your man know that you feel a bit worried about whatever is. By sharing with him the fact that, for example, you feel shy about your body, you’re 99% certain to get a response from him that he thinks you're fantastic.

Being able to let yourself go with a fantasy

Everyone has fantasies and they are lying to you if they say they don't! The problem is we get really hung-up about our fantasies because we think they make us weird. They do not! Yes, sometimes fantasies do go to slightly weird places, but on the whole they're absolutely harmless and they’re just about your brain being sexy and creative.

The important thing to remember is that just because you fantasise about something - like having a three-some with his best mate - it doesn't mean you really want to do it in real life.

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

You’ll get him really hot if you learn to share your fantasies with him. Start with something tame. For example, you could tell him that you fantasise about him surprising you one evening when you're relaxing under a hot shower. He strips off his clothes and climbs in with you.

Once you two have got chatting about your fantasies you can take turns sharing them. Always be tactful about his feelings and place your man in the centre of your fantasies even if they also involve your favourite pop or soap star. He's more likely to be tactful of your feelings if you do this.

Play a game where you take turns saying one line of a fantasy storyline. For example, he begins the story with the first sentence. Then you say what happens next. And then he says what happens next, and so on, until you two have created a whole fantasy storyline.

Always use the little, everyday things that happen in your life to generate a bit of fantasy chat with him. For example, the postman arrives and delivers a package to your house. Then you can say to him that if he was a naughty postman you'd invite him in for coffee and more. You can take the fantasy-chat from there!

How to have a quickie and make it fantastic.

Many people mistakenly believe that to have sensational sex you have to go at it for ages and ages. Yes, it's fantastic to have long, leisurely lovemaking sessions but there's also a place for quickies too. Allow yourself to let go and have a spontaneous quickie with him from time-to-time - you'll both love it!

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

Keep a handy "pleasure chest" or "toy bag" to hand that has little odds and ends in it that will make a quickie more likely to happen. For example, you might want some "wet ones" to tidy-up afterwards, some condoms, some lubricant, and anything else that will add to your pleasure.

Be spontaneous - when you’re both feeling a bit randy go with the mood. Obviously you don't want to break the law but there's many ways of discreetly pleasuring each other in little beauty spots or out-of-the-way places. You could give each other hand-jobs if you can’t have full sex.

When you're at home go for it if he suggests a quickie on, e.g., the kitchen floor. Grab a blanket or soft towel, throw it down, and enjoy some unexpected sex.

Depending on where you are and what you can get up to it may be hard for a woman to reach climax during a quickie. What you have to do is extract a promise from him that he "owes you an orgasm" later on!

How to keep the sex life going when you have kids

Because of the sheer exhaustion of having a baby or young children around often sex goes out the window after you've had children. Many couples don't want this to happen and it really upsets them. But because they're not sure how to go about changing things - and rekindling a sex life - than they end up rowing or ignoring things till they both feel neglected.

Dr Pam's Top Tips -

The most important step you can take is keep talking to each other. And not just about what the baby's done that day but about how you both feeling.

Tell your man that you love him but let him know just how tired you are. Work out together how the household chores can be shared out so that you don't resent him thinking he's not helping enough.

Begin with a little bit of caressing and maybe some sensual massage. If you haven't had sex for a while, because you've both been exhausted, then tell him you just want to feel close to him to begin with. Let him know you hope it leads to full sex but it doesn't have to.

Get your parents or trusted friends to babysit for you at least once a fortnight. If you’re too tired to go out then ask them to take the kids out while you two snuggle at home. Agree a pact not to discuss baby stuff while you have time as a couple. Emphasise how you two are entitled to a little grown-up time. You'll be better parents for it!

Finally it's important to keep the romance going after the baby’s arrived because everything can become ‘about the baby’. And what with new research by Dolmio (embargoed till 4 Feb) into couples and romance, finding that a full 40% of women don't feel romantic it's time to turn that around! Send him flirty texts and e-mails. Ask him to send you one back. Give him a compliment and say loving things to him. Remind him of romantic gestures he used to make. Tell him you’d love him to start those again. Sometimes men need direct requests for romantic behaviour!

Dr Pam's latest book Fabulous Foreplay - The Sex Doctor's Guide To Teasing And Pleasing Your Lover (J R Books £7.99) is available now.

Has The Baby Arrived And Your Sex Life Gone?

As a parent myself I know that having children is a blessing and they can bring you enormous joy and happiness. However with the highs come the lows! By far the majority of new parents find that they’re suddenly facing new issues - sometimes completely unexpected. As well as being sleep-deprived, financially strained, and having no time for each other, it's hardly surprising your sex life goes out the window when the baby arrives. Here are some of your most common dilemmas as new mothers.

Dear Dr Pam,
I've been with my partner for three years. Right from the start a relationship was fantastic. We had lots of fun and a very good sex life. We had a gorgeous little boy five months ago. Since his birth we haven't had sex once. I started feeling in the mood a month ago and have tried many times to get my partner into bed. At first he made excuses like he was too tired and stressed from work and being up with the baby at night. But last week he blurted out that he sees me as a mum and respects me too much to have sex with me. I was gobsmacked. I don't understand how he's changed. It's not like we don't have time as my mum is always offering to babysit. Can you explain this? Anji, 27, Bermondsey

A: This is the classic mother-lover complex! Some men see women in two ways. Before they become the mother of their child a man like this sees her as a lover. Once the baby arrives he sees her as a mother. He finds it very hard to mix the two roles. Your partner probably grew up with a mother who was very traditional and frowned on sex. He got the idea that sex and motherhood were completely separate. He looks at you as the adorable mother of his precious son and not the brazen hussy you want to be again! This attitude can change with gentle persuasion. When you're in the mood make sure it comes at a time when your son’s already been over at your mum's for a few hours. Don't talk about anything to do with nappies and feeding times. Instead engage him in fun and flirty adult conversation. Mention, e.g., a movie you want to see. Start snuggling up. Ask if he'd like a massage. Make it incredibly sensual with your fingers swirling all over his body. If you can start showing him that other side to you - without baby stuff coming into his mind – he’ll gradually accept that you're a woman of many roles as we all are.

Dear Dr Pam,
This is such an embarrassment. After having my second child six months ago I've lost all my "tightness" down below. I didn't have this problem after my first baby three years ago. I feel too embarrassed to mention this to my doctor or health visitor. My husband and I started having sex again a couple months ago and I know he can’t feel me as much as before. I'm worried he'll stop fancying me. And sex doesn't feel so good to me anymore. Please help I'm desperate! Mary, 24, Northampton

A: Don't worry you can improve the loss of elasticity in your vaginal muscles. It only takes a couple minutes every day but you have to do it regularly. What's happened is your pelvic floor muscles have lost their strength after your second pregnancy. Here are the little exercises you need to do. Identify the muscles you use if you want to stop yourself "spending a penny". Once you've identified those muscles squeeze them for 2-3 seconds at a time. Not too hard squeezing as you don't want to strain them! Repeat this 10 times. Do this morning and night. Build up to 20 squeezes morning and night after a couple weeks. You can do these sitting on the bus, at your desk, sitting with your child - anywhere as no one can tell you squeezing. You should find within a month or two they’re much stronger. If not, ask your health visitor as they’ll be used to dealing with this.

Dear Dr Pam,
I love my husband very much but since the birth of our daughter three months ago I really don't like him to touch me. He works long hours while I'm at home with the baby. She's had colic and it means I've had to pick her up and carry her around all the time. When he gets in I just don't want any physical contact. I just need a little time on my own. He feels rejected now. I worry for our relationship. What's going on? Tanya, 32, Bath

A: You’re right to feel worried - and worry is a good thing as it’ll make you take action! I call this "cuddle fatigue" where a woman has had constant contact with the baby all day and simply doesn't want any more physical contact. This is quite normal but it can be destructive to a relationship. Here are a few tips. Whenever a friend or relation comes over ensure they take over helping to soothe your colicky baby – giving you a break from contact. When he comes home have him attend to her while you have a complete "switch-off" break. Go have a hot shower, read your favourite magazine (Love it!) - anything is fine as long as it’s nothing to do with the baby. Once your baby’s in bed start to make conversation with him but have an agreement that you won't have a cuddle until later in the evening. When you're ready start by holding hands. Build up to cuddling on the sofa in front of the telly or listening to a CD. As you gain the confidence that he's not going to "jump on you" the minute you hold his hand, you'll feel better about resuming physical contact.

Dear Dr Pam,
My boyfriend and I have two little boys. The last one was born three months ago. We've always had a very relaxed relationship. I love him very much and I fancy him too. The problem is my tummy looks horrible after having my second son. My boyfriend tells me he loves me just the way I am. But I feel so ugly when it comes to my tummy. It's ruining our sex-life despite the fact we’re still attracted to each other. Is there anything I can do about this? Penny, 23, Southampton
A: You've got an excellent starting point because you both still fancy each other despite being busy young parents! Let's break your obsession over your stomach. Just as you’re obsessing over how it’s "so ugly" you could choose to obsess over, e.g., how beautiful your breasts are. When you start thinking about your stomach I want you to substitute a positive thought about your best attribute. Also go shopping for some sexy gear that emphasises what you feel happiest with - a low-cut bra or a short skirt if you're happy with your legs. Focus on this positive attribute. Now for the most important thing - focus on the fact that you both love each other. After all what's more important - your love for each other or your tummy? You must get this into perspective. Finally  learn how to do proper tummy exercises to start toning up those muscles either from a DVD or at your local gym.

Dear Dr Pam,
My mum-in-law moved in with us after our baby was born because we all had a lot on our plate. Not only had she been widowed and obviously my husband and her were grieving, but she had money problems and needed a roof over her head. Our daughter also has some disability so placing a lot of stress on us. Despite this my husband and I have a very strong relationships. The one big problem is that she never gets the hint when he and I want to have a sexy night in. She insists on hanging around watching TV, listening for our daughter, just in case she cries. What can we do to get her out of the way so we can enjoy sex again? Samantha, 29, Newcastle upon Tyne
A: You and your husband obviously have a fantastic relationship! There are couple things you can try get her out of the way. Tell her that as a "way of thanking her" for all her help with baby, you want to help her get out and have more enjoyable evenings. Insist that you’re happy to be home with your daughter. Find out if there's any evening class she'd like to take or maybe she'd like to visit the cinema occasionally. If she has a friend or other family nearby, your husband could offer to drop her over and pick her up later in the evening. If she really doesn't want to get out of the house then you could put a CD player in your bedroom and enjoy some "loudish" music when you pretend to be "very tired" and want to go have some fun in the bedroom. If you can afford it why not book in to a B&B occasionally for a night of passion while she minds your baby.

Dear Dr Pam,
It's hard to believe but since we had our baby nine months ago my sex drive has been sky-high. My partner jokes that I'm going to wear him out. All my friends said that they lost their sex drive for a time after having a baby. But mine's never been stronger. Most the time it's fine because my partner is up for sex. Sometimes he jokes that I've turned into a nymphomaniac. He cries of having sex when he feels like this. What's behind this? Sarah, 38, Plymouth
A: You are one of the minority of women whose hormones go into overdrive after the birth with this sort of result - increased sexual desire. It sounds like it's not too much of a problem. And as he's up for sex most the time then to be fair it sounds like you’re both falling into a natural compromise where sometimes he cries off of it. You two could still enjoy an affectionate cuddle when you’re feeling randy and that might soothe away your sexual tension. Or you can enjoy some self-pleasure at those moments - that's completely healthy and there’s nothing wrong with that. Enjoy it wide it lasts as our hormonal levels change from time to time depending on circumstances. You may find it goes back to your pre-birth level of sexual desire.

Dear Dr Pam,
I've been with my fiance for two years and we plan to get married in the summer. We had our son four months ago. Ever since the birth I get a strange tingling sensation along the back of my vagina. I'm not too worried about it so I haven't asked my doctor. But it does makes sex feel strange sometimes particularly if we do any position where he's behind me like in Doggy style or Spoons. What do you think this could be? Helen, 22, Mansfield
A: I'm a Doctor of psychology not medicine but it sounds to me like you probably had an episiotomy - where they cut your perineum (at the bottom end of your vagina before your back passage) or you had a tear at that location that got stitched up. Women often say they get a tingling type sensation when they've been stitched up. It’s the same sensation as if you'd had a bad cut, e.g., while preparing vegetables in the kitchen - and the scar tissue is quite tingly to the touch. You might be advised to check with your health visitor or doctor but I think you're probably right that it’s nothing serious. And if from being having stitches the tingling may diminish with time.

Dear Dr Pam,
Before I had my baby I always loved having sex in the missionary position. It felt so comfortable and sensual. My partner liked it too. I don't know why but now I prefer to have sex with me on top of him. I get more pleasure this way and reach climax easier. He doesn't like this position as much. Before it causes problems for us do you have any advice? Georgina, 36, Edinburgh
A: A person's sexual preferences can change and for some reason you now prefer being on top. The solution is to compromise. After some foreplay you could move on top of him until you climax and then turn back into missionary position since he prefers that. As long as you've reached a climax before he does, many couples who prefer different positions find that this simple technique works by pleasing both of them.

Published in Love It! magazine