Dr Pam Spurr

25 Most Common Sex Questions Answered!

25 Most Common Sex Questions Answered!

Q: Dear Dr. Pam, Recently my husband – who isn’t very old -- hasn’t been able to maintain his erection. What could be the cause?

One in ten men experience some type of erectile dysfunction (ED) at some point in their life and this rises quite a bit in the over-40s. Usually it’s transitory but it can rock both of your confidence! It might happen after heavy drinking, drug taking, or as a side effect of medicine, or due to medical complaints like diabetes. It can be emotional, though, and in about 40-50% of cases emotional issues and stress cause ED. For example, he’s too stressed at work or is worried about your relationship. Sometimes it is in response to a lifestyle choice like drinking heavily the night before and only occurs after that. If he can get and maintain an erection during masturbation or if he wakes with a morning erection then it’s likely to be emotional. Suggest he tries masturbating to see if he can get erect and maintain it. Many men need their wife’s permission so they don’t feel guilty! If he can’t get erect on his own he should go to his doctor and discuss whether any medication he’s taking has this side-effect or whether he needs to be checked for, e.g., diabetes.

I hope you’re talking about it and not sweeping it under the carpet. Some loving words can go a long way. He can check for nocturnal erections with the ‘postage stamp’ test. He can paste a ring of stamps around his penis at bedtime and if it’s broken in the morning you both know he’s had an erection. However, if he moves a lot during sleep that may break the ring anyway.

If he gets erect at night or when masturbating then together you and he can talk things through about where the stress may be in his life. Reassure him that you don’t see this as a problem but as part of life and together you two can get to the bottom of it.

Q: Before we were married you couldn’t drag us out from under the sheets, after our wedding, it seems we never get around to having sex anymore. What gives?

Ah, you’ve got ‘post-honeymoon, sex-comes-last-on-our-list’ syndrome! Think about when you first met - you’d do anything to make time for each other. You’d cancel that extra work project, put off seeing friends, and give up your favourite sport just to have some extra moments of passion together. Now you both know you have each other so it’s easy to stop putting each other first, i.e., you start taking each other for granted.

Each week you need to go into ‘pre-honeymoon’ mode and dream up little surprises, clear a couple hours together for loving-time and generally remind yourselves of why you fell in love in the first place: ‘cause you both saw the other as one hot prospect! Couples end up divorcing over this so start now and you can prevent the rot setting in for good.

Q: Our sex drives seem to be off schedule. I like to do it at night and she likes to do it in the morning. How can we get more in sync?

Many men are nocturnal, i.e., their testosterone peaks at night so they feel horny then. Sometimes couples peak together whether morning or night but many don’t. Unfortunately you two have mismatched hormonal patterns but the good news is you can compromise! Lovemaking should never be just in the morning or just at night as you both will get bored. Vary your lovemaking by alternating who does the initiating. It’s important you both realise that if, e.g., she wants you to be a ‘morning-man’ when it’s her turn that if you’ve got a work deadline, etc., to meet she should probably try and seduce you on a weekend morning. Would you be tempted with her slipping into a shower – with you – then putting you back to bed while she whips up a light breakfast. You can hand feed each other toast dripping with honey or jam which of course then can be dribbled down your fresh clean bodies to be slowly lapped up! Then feed each other luscious fresh strawberries and melon slices…oops one slice dropped between her thighs and then you have to find it!

Q: Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about someone else while having sex. I'm still totally attracted to my partner, so I'm confused--what does it mean?

Join the crowd – you and everyone else fantasizes about others during sex! This is completely normal. The human mind is incredibly creative and it doesn’t just stop at dreaming up new I-pods, car designs, and eco-friendly washing machines! Where it only becomes a problem is if EVERY time you make love you fantasize about the hunky man next door that you can’t get out of your head! Then you ought to ensure you don’t start flirting with him. The next time a fantasy pops into your mind why not whisper to your partner, ‘I was just thinking of you and Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Usher, Orlando Bloom (whomever you like!). They try to come between us and so we invite them into bed with us and let them be our sex slave!’ This’ll take the power out of your fantasy figure as you’ve brought it out in the open. Just ensure you always put your partner center stage in a fantasy so they don’t feel threatened.

Q: Ok, so once and for all. Can you get pregnant when you’re menstruating?

Technically you could however this is actually incredibly rare. You’ve found a rare man that isn’t freaked out by sex at that time of the month! Many couples decide to have sex in the shower to save any muss ‘n fuss but others simply drape some towels over the bed linens so they feel free to get up to whatever they want.

Q: My husband is afraid of me using a vibrator, cause he’s worried it will replace him. How can I make him more comfortable with the idea?

Many men fear they’ll be redundant when their woman gets out a vibrator. First off you could choose one that in no way, shape or form resembles a penis. Perhaps one of the quirky ‘rabbit’ vibrators of the ‘butterfly’ that fits over your clitoris as well as the little finger vibes that slip onto his index finger. Second, show him the pleasure he’ll get! Share those good vibrations by moving your toy around his testicles, down his perineum and around his buttocks. He’ll probably love it! Drive him mad by saying you’ll do a bit of a show for him – lie back and pleasure yourself right in front of him! You could also point out that just because he has a hand you’re not redundant are you? Because we all know that those naughty devils – even happily married – masturbate on the sly!

Q: My husband has this crazy fantasy of a threesome. I’m really uncomfortable about it, is there some way to meet in the middle?

You can definitely meet in the middle. And on top, underneath and wherever you like! First off turn it into a little game of ‘what happens next’ when you’re lying together caressing each other. He has to say the first line of his fantasy. Then you pick up the thread of the story and say what happens next. So he might say, ‘You and I were lying naked in our vacation hotel room when the maid accidentally came in without knocking. She’s gorgeous but stunned to find us lying naked.’ Then you say, e.g., ‘She comes to sit with us on the bed and starts touching me…’ and so on! Finally you can always watch some group-action adult films or flick through mags with such activities. Chat about the scenarios you see. The fantasy is better than the reality for by far the majority of couples.

Q: What is swinging? Is it like the 70s again? 

Swinging now is very different then the 70s. In the 70s people often dumped their car keys into a bowl and randomly chose a set at the end of the party and went home with a surprise partner. Sometimes people partied together in more classic orgy style. However many couples broke up over this as no one set ground rules. Nowadays swingers tend to agree as a couple what goes and what does not go! For example, one couple might agree that they don’t kiss others but do everything else. Or they might agree the wife does girl-on-girl but not with other men, etc. For couples with an extremely strong sense that they can separate sex from their marriage, these ground rules help make it work. However there is always a danger that one gets jealous or ends up feeling insecure. If you do try it ensure both of you want to, you set some ground rules and only have safe sex. You should have an agreement that if one of you gets cold feet you will leave then. Also most couples find no contact outside of a swingers party helps them to contain any negative affects – like one falling for someone else! Be warned swinging is not for the faint hearted!

Q: I feel like I never am in the mood to have sex with my partner anymore. What should I do? What could be causing it?

Your biggest sex organ is your brain! There’s no way around it - if your brain is stuffed full of worries about work, a sense you’re being neglected by your husband, worries over when the next baby-gymnastics class is, etc., there’ll be no room in it for sexy thoughts. Those issues and other issues like being on anti-depressants, or other medications, or drinking too much, and drug taking can kill off desire. You need to prioritise your sex life just as you do your meetings at work. If it comes last on the list you end up with no energy left for it. Give yourself ten minutes day ‘me-time’ where you turn off the cell phone, fax and any other distractions. Lie back and meditate on positive thoughts or read your favourite magazine. Anything that relaxes you. Also build in proper ‘dates’ with your husband as you did earlier in your relationship. Once a month you should have a full weekend to indulge each other. Share with him your inner fantazies. Many women who lack desire simply aren’t telling their husbands what they want. He’ll love it if you whisper some sexy thoughts to him or ask him to touch, kiss, etc., you in a new way.

Q: Sometimes it hurts when we have sex, is there something wrong with me?

It depends what sort of pain you’re experiencing. If it’s after vigorous sex where you two have been like Olympic athletes then it’s not surprising you’re experiencing a little pain. Women can get a little bruised after such sex but this clears up fairly quick. Or if he’s entering you before your aroused and lubricated it could be your getting little tears and pulls in your vagina. Ensure you’re ready for penetration in this case. However it could be a longstanding infection that flares up so best to get it checked out.

Q: Sometimes I’m a little too wet, does that mean there’s something wrong with me?

There’s nothing wrong with you at all! Many women wish they had more natural lubrication which is one reason why there are so many for sale! This tells me your husband is doing the right things and your body is responding. Relax and enjoy. However if you’re getting squelching sounds that some women find embarrassing then do some pelvic floor exercises to tighten your vaginal muscles.

Q:  I’m not so into vibrators, are there any other toys I can try out in the bedroom?

There are loads of toys to try in the bedroom. Why not go on line and check one of the many companies that sell on the Net like www.goodvibrations.com and see what’s out there. Vibrators are popular, though, as many love the sensations they create. Don’t forget you don’t have to buy penis shape ones that put many men (and women!) off. Toys range from items for a little ‘vanilla’ bondage, e.g. paddles to spank. Or for the more daring various restraints and whips! There are also things like vibrating pillows that you sit on while making love and many little delightful finger and tongue vibrators.

Q: We want to experiment with role-playing, but we don’t know where to begin…

Many couples worry about taking the first step in role-play. The very best starting place is to choose a fantasy that turns you both on. For example, do you fantasize about being picked up by a stranger? Then meet in a bar, restaurant, hotel lobby, etc. that you’ve never been. Pretend to be strangers and start flirting. Give yourselves fake names and get more outrageous about having a night of no-strings sex! Then go off to your home or check into a room for the night and keep up the pretense. Use this basic ‘recipe’ for creating any role-play.

Q:  What’s the best way to bring up a sex issue with my partner?

It depends on how serious it is but as a general rule follow these guidelines. Don’t talk about it in the bedroom itself and choose a time you’re both relaxed and have some time. Cuddle up and say something really positive about your sex life. In a confident, warm and soft tone then say how much you’d like to do more of ‘x, y, or z’ – again being positive and asking for more of something you two do right. Then, let’s say you don’t like the way he spanks your butt during sex, you can say something like, ‘It seems fun when you spank me but sometimes honey it distracts me from my climax.’ I think you get the picture – always be positive, always look for a positive angle and then finally deal with the issue! 

Q:  Can bumps on a man’s penis be normal, or are they always something to worry about?

Men can have all sorts of lumps and bumps – some are simply fibrous-type tissue that’s built up or fleshy bits under the surface that the skin doesn’t sit smoothly over. Others are warts and mole-type growths. If in doubt always check with your doc!

Q:  What happens if a man with a normal, functioning sex drive takes Viagra?

Some men with a normal sex drive report that Viagra gives them a more intense experience. However why risk the side effects if he’s got a normal sex drive? Viagra is a drug meant to help those with erectile problems and was not intended simply for recreational use.

Q:  My partner and I want to get pregnant. What should our game plan be?

There are all sorts of things to do to get prepared for pregnancy. First consult your health care provider about how long you should wait after coming off birth control before trying for a baby. For example, you may be advised to wait three months to clear your system of any hormones. Start taking a folic acid supplement (400mcg daily until the 12^th week of pregnancy), stop smoking, and cut down on alcohol and caffeine in preparation for a healthy pregnancy. Eat loads of fresh fruit and vegetables and a well-rounded diet. Then don’t talk about babies all the time as that puts unnecessary pressure on you both. Instead enjoy your usual lovemaking and after he ejaculates she should lie on her back with her legs raised up!

Q:  How can I psyche my partner into sex?

There are many ways to psyche him up! First re-ignite your flirt-power. We forget to flirt after we get married – just because you’re man and wife doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to make the other feel desirable – that leads them to feelings horny. Flirt on the phone, by email and by text message. Phone them and remind them of the last time you had hot sex together. Casually mention you were thinking of buying some new lingerie – describe some sultry bra and pantie set you’ve seen. Very innocently ask him if he’d like you to model it. Next be romantic – put together a CD or his favourite love songs/mood music. Plan a candle-lit picnic on your living room floor if the weather’s bad. Stock up with ‘rude-food’ like shrimp, asparagus, avocados, figs, etc., and your favorite little snacks to hand feed each other. Then bring out the ice cream sundae fixings and turn yourself into a dessert he can feast from. Or have a candlelit bath ready to pamper him in when he gets home. Then slip in beside him! It’s the little things that boost the libido. It’s when you demand a grand gesture that his libido – and other things - will shrink even more!

Q: My anniversary is coming up. Is there something special we can do in the bedroom to celebrate?

Try to get off work early that night or agree to celebrate at the nearest weekend so you two have time to indulge each other. First take a stroll down memory lane and visit the place you first met or had your first date. Talk over your first impressions. Psychological research shows that those couples who take regular strolls through their happy/romantic memories last the longest and are the happiest! I’m a stickler for romance so put together a tape/CD of the music from your wedding. Buy a little wedding cake and slip into your wedding night lingerie. Hand-feed each other (of course!) and allow him to drizzle a little champagne down your cleavage to lap off your beasts. Use the ribbon from any gifts you exchange in some sex-play – tie your wrists together – with bows, NOT knots – you don’t want to have to cut them off! Then he can give you a Thai body massage – raising up on his hands he gently glides his body across yours and stimulates your skin. He can also use his hair to tickle your erogenous zones gently. Give each other a sex manual (like my book ‘Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips – a couple’s guide to erotic pleasure’) and together look through it and talk about anything that takes your fancy! You’re each allowed to choose one new technique to try from your book.

Q: What’s the best sex position for my wife to orgasm?

The C.A.T. – the ‘coital alignment technique’ is fantastic for women who find it hard to orgasm! Let me take this moment to remind you that it’s the unusual woman who orgasms regularly during penetrative sex. So really it’s ‘normal’ for a woman not to!  It’s simplicity and effectiveness in helping a woman orgasm makes it a valuable addition to your repertoire of positions. She should lie on top – face to face – with her legs inside yours. This squeezes the penis fairly tightly and so is also good for the man who feels less well-endowed. She then shimmies upwards an inch or so on his pelvis so that her clitoris will be rubbed by his pubic bone. The movements while in the C.A.T. can be small and circular or gentle – and small – thrusts. But she controls these so that she mimics sensations she gives herself when masturbating. Please ensure she feels free to control this! This position also allows the man to rest after he has engaged in more vigorous thrusting in other positions.

Q: We always end up in missionary position. What else should we try?

I’m glad you asked this question as there are many variations on the missionary to try! First off allow her to move her legs inside yours which gives you a lot of stimulation! Next you can slip on to your sides, face-to-face, called the ‘lover’s embrace’ where she slips her upper leg around your buttocks. From this you can get a new sensation by moving into the ‘vine’ where you inter-link your two sets of legs still facing each other. Then allow her to move back on to her back and you raise yourself to crouching on your knees. One of her legs can rest on your shoulder. You hold her hips, thighs or knees in order to control thrusts. This is ‘split the whisker’ and is highly erotic allowing you a view of her vagina.

Q: Any fun new suggestions for oral sex?

There are lots of things to try! First off introduce a vibrator into your oral sex. He can stimulate her vagina with it while he kisses/licks her clitoris. She can stimulate his perineum while she sucks on him. Or try a ‘tongue-joy’ type vibrator that slips onto the tongue and vibrates wherever you kiss. Or slip it onto your index finger so you can use your mouth how you like and vibrate with your finger around his/her genitals. Next try the ‘sitting pretty; where he kneels on the floor by the bedside and she perches at the edge of the bed giving great access to her genitals. Or try ‘reach the peach’ where you lie on your back and she kneels over you. You pull her crotch to your mouth –s he can teasingly pull away and best of all control the pressure of the oral sex she’s given. She can ‘worship at the altar’ by kneeling between his legs while he stands. Don’t forget ‘humming’. He takes her clitoris or labia in his mouth and hums gently – the soft vibrations are fantastic. She takes his testicles or penis in her mouth and hums!

Q:  My husband gives me oral sex begrudgingly. Is there anything I can do to entice him?

Invite him in for a sensual shower where you both end up ‘fresh as a daisy’ and then towel each other dry. Encourage him to nuzzle your tummy and between your thighs. Drizzle on his favorite syrup or sauce (choc, caramel, marshmallow, etc.) so he can lap it gently. Sometimes men worry about the taste and sometimes they worry about doing it right so gently tell him what feels great! Keep well trimmed/waxed too so he can see what he’s doing!

Q:  What’s the deal with female Viagra – those libido enhancers I keep seeing on TV?

To call something ‘female viagra’ is misleading. There are lots of things available that claim to stimulate arousal and desire but you need to be fairly careful what you believe and what you buy. Check with your doc first about your testosterone levels. We think of testosterone as only being important to men and their sexual desire but we produce it too. If your levels are low you can lose your libido! Your doc may put you on some hormone replacement treatment if it seems advisable. They may also give you ‘whisper cream’ which is available on prescription and is applied locally to enhance all-important blood flow to your genitals. On the commercial side there are all sorts of mail order and over-the-counter creams, e.g., Vigorelle, but most of these simply contain mild irritants like menthol and herbs. When applied to your genitals it gives a sensation of arousal for some women but for others it simply feels irritating! These sensations are fairly brief lasting only a few minutes. Other products come in tablet form and include Avlamil, Avenavin, and Therafem. When taking any such ‘libido booster’ talk to your doc first as they may interact with prescription medications and or have side effects you should be aware of.

Q: We really like to watch adult movies, but they all seem to be geared towards male fantasy. Can you recommend anything that would be good to watch together?

You’re right – so many adult movies seem made for men’s eyes (and enjoyment!) only and are a real turn-off for women! Instead of enjoying adult movies that can spice up your sex life, women feel they’re shallow and rely on too much surgical enhancement of the porn stars. Not only do women enjoy good adult movies for porn’s sake but it can also give you and your husband role-play ideas for some hot sex-play. But the good news is there are different films out there made with couples in mind. Women-friendly film makers include Cameron Rose’s FOR WOMEN ONLY series, For the Girls, Couples Pleasure Dome, and of course Candida Royalle movies. Also check out The Good Vibrations Guide to Adult Videos by Cathy Winks and The Wise Woman’s guide to Erotic Videos by Sarah Gardner Fox and Angela Cohen. A recommended website is www.pornmoviesforwomen.com and pornmoviesforcouples.htm

Q: I keep hearing about all these new birth controls. What’s the deal with them? Are some better than others?

There are a variety of birth control methods available to us that our mothers never had! It’s important to take some time and weigh up the alternatives with your health care provider. A number of new-generation pills exist including combined birth control pills with both estrogen and progestin, e.g., Seasonale and Yasmin. The Seasonale pill cuts your monthly cycle to only four periods a year, creating a 91-day cycle, which for some women is heaven. Other pills are progestin-only and both types have pros and cons.

If you don’t want to take the pill the Nuvaring is a small flexible ring that’s inserted deep into the vagina for three weeks. It’s removed after four weeks and releases combined hormones that offer a month’s protection against pregnancy. Being 99.7% effective there are a number of advantages, e.g., no daily pill and doesn’t require fitting. But typically, disadvantages too like increased vaginal discharge, irritation or infection and a variety of other possible side-effects.

You could try the ‘patch’, e.g., Ortho Evra, which is a thin plastic patch that sticks to the buttocks, upper arm, stomach or upper torso. One patch a week is used for up to three weeks in a row and it releases hormones similar to estrogen and progesterone made naturally by your ovaries. Again there are both advantages and disadvantages to the patch.

Some women are going for long term implants like Norplant that offer continuous birth control without sterilization for up to seven years. This is suitable for women who can’t tolerate estrogen, you don’t take pills, and your ability to become pregnant returns quickly when you stop using it. However some women encounter side effects like irregular bleeding, dizziness, sore breasts, etc., similar to other pills/patches. Unique effects include sometimes removal is difficult and discoloration or scarring at the site of implant.

Another long term alternative is The Depo Shot (depo-provera). Every 12 weeks your clinician gives you a shot in the buttocks or arm. There are some advantages like not taking pills, can be used during breasts feeding, and helps prevent cancer of the lining of the uterus. Disadvantages include, e.g., three-monthly shots, loss of period, weight gain.

Please bear in mind that all shots, pills, patches, IUDs, etc., require use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted infections unless you know your partner’s sexual history.

Prices vary on the various products.

Prevoiudly published on TheNest.com