Dr Pam Spurr

How To Revive That Initial Sexual Spark

If you’re no longer on in the honeymoon stage of your relationship how do you revive that initial sexual spark?

Definitely use romance to revive that sexual spark! There's practically no better way to put a woman in the mood-for-lust then making her feel special and treasured. Another trick is to tell her you've got a new technique that you'd love to do for her - the emphasis being "for her" pleasure!

How do you keep the stresses of work and general life out of the bedroom?

Just learn to set your boundaries on bringing work and stress home. There are no positives to allowing that sort of stress jeopardise the pleasure in your relationship. If you have to discuss a problem then do so at the dinner table and not in the bedroom so that psychologically you only associate your bedroom with pleasure or rest.

How important is talking and communication to improving your bedroom performance?

Communication is king! But there are different types of communication. You can always use sighs and groans of pleasure to communicate that something feels good and you'd like more of it. Listen to her "sex sounds" to pick up information. And when you want to say (or ask) something always find a positive way of beginning like, "I love it when you do X - it's much more pleasurable then Y”. Then she'll stop doing Y!

How do you translate your fantasies into reality without alienating your partner if you’re worried they’re a bit kinky or unusual?

Fantasy sex-chat can be a huge turn on. But begin gently and don't gush about your deepest darkest fantasy. Whisper to her that you'd like to describe something sexy. Then describe a "vanilla" (innocent) version of it. Once you’re both comfortable with the subject matter you can decide whether it's something you want to role-play, act out or just enjoy describing in delicious detail.

If you’ve become stuck in the missionary position groove which position are most likely to get your partner’s heart racing again?

Get comfortable in The Missionary but then move into other positions from it. Gently move her so that you’re both on your sides facing each other (called The Vine). From there you can roll into the Reverse Missionary where she’s on top of you. She could then sit up while on top of you in the Cowgirl. Once you get the hang of it it's easy to move from one position to another just using a little bit of care.

Sex toys are increasingly popular. Are they always a good idea or is there a risk that they’ll become more popular with your partner than the real thing?

They’re a great idea as long as you use a bit of bedroom etiquette! Don't just throw one on the bed and say "how about it?" Instead mention during sexplay you’d love to have a little fun with sex toys. Then have fun and shop for one together. Never give the impression that the sex toy gives you more excitement than your partner.

What about other accessories like food, feathers or sexy outfits?

Being a little bit creative can go a long way in the bedroom. As I found in interviews for my new book many people feel taken for granted because they do the same old thing time after time. Spontaneity when it comes to food (think doing some naughty things when sharing some sweet dessert) or dressing up makes your partner feel that you want to keep things a little bit lively.

Is romance a short cut to bedroom excitement or can it actually dampen the flames of passion?

Romance never dampens the flames of passion! It's a way of making your partner feel good about themselves. The lovely feeling you get when a partner’s done something romantic easily morphs into a lustful feeling.

How important is your lovemaking environment? Will a spring clean and interior redesign fuel the fires of passion?

Is there anything sexy about things like dirty socks, mucky sheets, and the smell of old cigarettes? No! Those things can’t be overlooked in keeping things sexy.

If you've got young kids in your family equation (tell me about it!!) how do you keep the spark alive?

Always ban "baby talk" when you have your couple’s time. Conversations about the kids should take place straight after the working day and then shouldn't be raised again unless they have to be. Arrange for grandparents to do regular babysitting. Don't even bother going out (too tiring when you have a baby) but instead share a lovely picnic in bed together. Arrange regular babysitting duties with friends who also have children to give yourselves more couple time.

What should you avoid at all costs in your bid to become a better lover?

Always avoid nagging and pestering someone for sex if you have a higher drive. Instead coax them into the right mood by being more loving, affectionate and romantic. As well as helping around the house - a definite turn on for a tired partner!