Dr Pam Spurr

Single? Don’t Panic About Valentine’s Anxiety!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

Did you start seeing someone in the pre-Christmas window and now the pre-Valentine's window is causing you to panic? That's totally understandable because one survey of singles found that if you've only been together for the last month or two, you're likely to get Valentine's anxiety.

This is that feeling of dread about if you should mention Valentine's to that very new partner. Go back 1700 years to the time of Saint Valentine and I think he'd tell you to go for a little bit of fun and romance on the big day because life can be short.

Here are top tips for figuring out February 14^th:

* Do you love romantic gestures and have always made them when you're in a relationship at this time of year? Make that your starting point. Think about this new person and if they seem to enjoy a little romance or not.

Let that guide you with any plans. If they are kind and loving but not particularly romantic, then make your gesture a small one. This won't freak them out and might encourage a little romance out of them.

Obviously if they seem very romantic then you can pull out the stops with a gift and/or something like a romantic walk over Valentine's weekend. Or maybe visit to a lovely old pub or cook something special.

* How do you see your fledging relationship? Have you met IRL? Or are you still just chatting on messaging services? Does it seem like you two are exclusive now? This should help you decide what you say about Valentine's Day. Because if you've not actually met at this point you should probably keep it low key unless they say something to the contrary.

* Do you find them to be good at communicating their emotions? This is a great sign that you can talk to them before the big day, in the coming week, about their feelings about Valentine’s day.

Keep it light and upbeat. Say something simple like: “What do you think about Valentine's? Should we do something that weekend?”

Using the old fashioned ‘c’ word – communication - is crucial especially if you like this person. It's important to start communicating in a healthy manner with them now.

* Finally, thinking ahead, there could be a lot of tension in the future if you feel things like Valentine's are critically important to a relationship and if they feel it's all a load of commercial nonsense. Some couples manage such differences well but other couples find it becomes an increasing hurdle to the health of their relationship.

Good luck and happy dating! x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Singles and daters: Getting Over gaslighting!

 My new Wingman Dating App column... 

Singles often ask me if, what they’ve been through, when dating, counts as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abusive control where the perpetrator slowly takes control of a relationship - and the other person - step by step. They then go on to damage that person’s self esteem with a drip, drip, drip of emotionally abusive behaviour.

It can happen quite quickly or develop slowly over many months. One survey of singles found that over two-thirds of women felt they had been gaslit, at some point, by a person they had dated, even briefly.

It can take different forms but two of the main forms include: love bombing you and then starting to undermine you. Or alternatively undermining you right from the start.

When a new person love bombs you, it can feel good. They constantly compliment you, they're always asking if you're okay, they seem to love everything about you. …then when you’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, their behaviour switches.

The alternative, is when they actually start undermining you from the first date, perhaps questioning your choice of outfit.

Top tips to try if you think you've been gaslit:

* Being gaslight often means that you've started apologising for everything, for instance, over choosing the supposedly “wrong” outfit for a night out.

It is time to stop apologising all the time. Because it becomes a habit for those who have been in such a relationship, even for a relatively short amount of dating. Being apologetic for anything and everything becomes a habit that you need to break. Learn to only apologise when you have actually done something, that you would expect someone else to apologise to you for, if they had done it to you. 

*As that gas-lighter has probably got you into the habit of minimising your own feelings, it's time to remember that your feelings are important and valid. In the coming weeks when you experience a strong emotion, embrace it, tell yourself you are entitled to that emotion. Fight that inner voice that has maybe learned to tell you that you're over dramatising everything.

*Start valuing your self-worth! Having been in this kind of relationship, you have probably started to think you're not worth any more than what you have been getting from that person. In other words, that you’re not entitled to good treatment.

Scratch those thoughts. Everyday think about the good qualities you have. Tell yourself you are a very worthy person and you are worthy of finding a happy and healthy relationship. 

*Stop excusing their gaslighting behaviour. Because you started to excuse it when you were dating them, you might find you still excuse it to people who ask you about this relationship. Despite having got out of it, many people who have been subjected to gaslighting, still find excuses for that person. Don't ever excuse their bad behaviour.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Singles: Use Your Time Wisely Heading Into 2025!

My latest column for Wingman Dating app... 

For many singles it’s a relief that Christmas can be spent how you’d like to, maybe with family or friends or simply some much needed time on your own. That’s a brilliant approach to handling this time of year on your own and after my divorce as a very young woman it was exactly how I felt - this was a time just to give myself the best gift of time!

There is always a big ‘but’ though and that’s for the many singles who were desperate to find love over the last year and didn’t find someone special to spend the holidays with.

There can be a lot of tricky emotions involved in this situation. However, you can manage feelings of loneliness or perhaps manage that little devil on your shoulder telling you that you should have tried harder or that maybe you should have settled for that person who really wasn’t top-notch. And it’s also a time to open up your mind to embracing the best things about being single at this time of year.

Here are some top tips to help boost how you feel at this festive time of year:

*Challenge any misguided feelings that all those couples are loved up and cosy at Christmas. This is the time of year when more couples start falling apart and seek to separate in the New Year.

*Keep those promises to spoil yourself that you forgotten about over the year – stream that box set you’ve been putting off, treat yourself to the foods you like, take those extra long bubble baths that you never have time for, etc. Hangout in your pyjamas all day, and catch up on calls to friends that you haven’t spoken to for a while.

*Thinking of friends - get in touch with those who might be on their own or who might long have a meet up in between doing things with their partner or family. Keep it simple and suggest meeting for walks, coffees, drinks – the little things that can bring lots of happiness.

*Not every single has on their own is feeling total despair so if you’re feeling pretty confident check out the various singles events that happen around Christmas through the New Year. Go online and see what’s available near you because even if you don’t meet ‘the one’ go out just to have some fun.

*Don’t forget to get on Wingman app - with potentially more time on your hands you can check out who’s around.

*Think about 2025 and doing what I always recommend: widen your circle of opportunity. If you go to the same places you always see the same faces. So maybe your favourite bar, café or restaurant should be given a rest and you should check out some new places and maybe see a new face that appeals to you.

*You can also get outside of your comfort zone to increase chances of meeting someone new. You can sign up for the new gym that has opened locally or an evening class that is near your place of work. These are great things to do anyway and can provide you with new opportunities.

Happy Christmas, happy New Year and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! If things are difficult please see my latest post on X for some helping oorganisations...

Calling all parents, grandparents and child carers - my piece in Spiked...

Single? Just started seeing someone? Beware of Being ‘Pocketed’!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

And yet another term for the singles that I date coach: ‘pocketing’! Let’s say you've been seeing someone for a while but so far you haven’t met their friends or family - you could be in a pocketing situation. 

There are many people who don’t like to rush introducing someone new to their friends and family, when they’ve started dating someone. Fair enough! However, there comes a time when most of us start thinking we would like to meet their friends and family and also have them meet ours.

On the whole I think pocketing is different to being a commitment-phobe. Those with big commitment issues rarely settle down for good and it runs through their personality like a band of unbreakable steel. With pocketing, it seems it’s more about taking time.

Some key tips if you think you’re being pocketed:

*Keep it to simple plans, but ask them to come meet your friends. Make it a relaxed scenario, just a few drinks, nothing big. You can demonstrate that meeting your friends can be a chilled event. And maybe they’ll start thinking that you, meeting their friends, could also be relaxed and fun.

*If they haven’t said anything about getting together with their friends, when feeling relaxed say something like: I heard about this new bar opening up. Maybe you’d like to bring a couple friends along and we can check it out. Or some suggestion like this. Putting it out there in this manner it will feel less daunting.

*I think it’s a good idea to have a timeline in your mind. For instance, if you haven’t met their friends after six months of dating then it’s time to have a conversation about it. Again, you can do it when you’re both relaxed. You could start by saying how fun it was when you got together with your friends and you wonder why you haven’t met his/her friends yet. You can take it from there with whatever response they give you.

*Finally, if their friends are still off-limits now is the time to think about the fact they might be a commitment-phobe. The ball is in your court! It’s your decision if you’re happy doing ‘dating-light’ with them. Where things never deepen but are good between you. But if you want more, then it’s time to move on.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Did someone say Christmas? It's early but if you're shopping for a child, read on...

For a snowy adventure for CHristmas, why not buy that child in your life Eva the Bear and the Magic Snowflake: BUY LINK https://shorturl.at/Etldf 

Eva is an adventurous little bear who goes out in a snow storm and finds herself in big trouble!

A story that promotes courage and resilience in chidren!

Singles: Are They a Definitely Maybe Kind of Person?

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

Oasis has been trending on and off since they announced their reunion recently. It reminded me that I had once told a date-coaching client that the person they had started seeing was a ‘definitely maybe’ kind of person. That instantly resonated with them.

A ‘definitely maybe’ kind of date isn’t a commitment-phobe as such, but they probably have some personal weaknesses, anxieties or issues when it comes to aspects of dating.

Some signs to watch out for include:

*You suggest something for your next date but he/she (women do this too) says they need to think about it. And it’s not as if you’re suggesting a weekend break in Paris! It could just be something like bowling or dancing or visiting an exhibition, that may well take them out of their comfort zone.

*They say you can meet their friends “sometime soon” but then they never suggest a time and place. Ditto, when you ask if they would like to meet your friends, they say “definitely” but then never seem able to make the time and place you suggest.

Again, this might be because they feel uncomfortable mixing different groups together. Rather than the classic commitment-phobe who never has any intention of you mixing with their personal friends.

*This hesitancy can cut right across your dating. Even when it comes to the first time it looks like you might have sex. They seem to put it off or make excuses. They may just want the timing to be perfect but it can be frustrating if you’re ready.

*They’re going home for a family weekend and say things like maybe sometime you can come. Definitely don’t count on it for some time to come!

Signs like these can flag up future difficulties if you can’t pin them down. As I’ve said in many of my Wingman columns, only you can decide if you want to see if this “maybe” turns out to “definitely” be your man or woman!

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Singles: Are You in a ‘Situationship’?

 My new column for Wingman Dating App

In recent years, in the dating world, a lot of terminology has sprung up to describe different dating scenarios. A very new one is called ‘situationship’. This refers to a couple who are seeing each other regularly but neither of whom have defined their relationship.

This situation, not to use a pun, works out well for people with busy lives. And who also enjoy the company of the person they’re seeing but aren’t either ready – or willing – to define the significance of their relationship. Many people I’ve date-coached have quite happily had situationship relationships without even knowing it.

The problems start when one person decides they want to define the situation that they find themselves in. Here are a few tips for if this happens to you:

*Rocking the boat - you may feel hesitant raising the issue of how you would like to define your relationship as something more significant. You might feel like you’re rocking a pretty good boat that has worked well so far.

It’s crucial, though, that you discuss your new feelings with your ‘partner’. Otherwise, keeping these feelings hidden can lead to distress for you. You start doubting your worth. You wonder if you’re good enough for them to want to make clear what your relationship is.

*Starting the conversation - you don’t have to raise your new feelings as if they are “huge” and a “big red flag” for the relationship and something to worry about. Instead, you can keep the conversation pretty chilled.

A good start is to seize the moment when you’re both relaxed and ask them how they are feeling about “things”. Make it open-ended. Listen to what they say and they might ask you the same thing in return. If they don’t, be honest and tell them how you would like to deepen things between you.

*Don’t panic – if they are unprepared to hear that or say they want to think about things, etc., don’t worry about it at this stage. After all, you two have been coasting along happily and they might have felt this was a great place to be with your relationship.

Give them a little time but not too much time. Never lose sight that your feelings, about wanting something more serious, are valid and important. Ultimately, if they don’t come on board with your feelings - but you feel you’re ready for a deeper relationship - you might decide to move on from your situationship.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

My sight loss journey podcast...

Here's my discussion with the lovely Dr Tara Quinn Carillo about my sightloss journey - it got emosh! It can be listened to here amognst other media platforms  

I hope you find this chat helpful - have such empathy for the visually impaired now! Best of luck, Pam x

My chat with Lucy from the Family Education Trust...

It was absolutely lovely to speak to Lucy Marsh of the Family Education Trust about everything from parenting to Eva the Bear and the Magic Snowflake and gender ideology! 

Here's our chat and you can find them on X at @FamEdTrust

Hope you enjoy it! Pam x