I loved seeing 'V' again, I hadn't actually seen her in person for a few years depsite speaking to her on the radio and Talk TV over the last few years.
We discussed "first love" and it was great to meet Anneka Rice!
From my latest Wingman dating App column...
I frequently cover and revisit the issue of when someone discovers that they're dating a sociopath. Firstly, it's fascinating territory and more common than you’d think with some people describing sociopathic behaviour as being with a “bad boy”. Fortunately, the description of “bad boy” downplays the seriousness of these situations.
Estimates vary but around 2-4% of the population have the traits of a sociopath. This means that if you've been single for a time, and are actively looking, then you are likely to come across a sociopathic personality.
Sociopaths can be hard to detect because the first part of their MO (modis operandi) is to charm you beyond measure. This is how a man, or a female sociopath, lures someone in - by making you feel you are the most special person.
This can be powerful stuff especially if you've been single a long time and are potentially on the lonely side.
However, at some point their behaviour starts to change. It can happen quite abruptly or be a slow drip feed of not such great behaviour, for example, they start arriving later and later for a meet up rather than showing up on time.
Top tips to help you spot a sociopath:
* First off, listen to your intuition and instincts. If your intuition starts telling you that this seemingly perfect person actually isn't perfect, then start listening to it.
* A sociopathic personality wants to gain control over you. So you might find they start playing hot-cold with you and you’re never quite sure where you are with them. Keep a close eye on this behaviour. Challenge it in a confident way along the lines of: I’m never quite sure what mood you’ll be in, is something going on?
*Watch out if you catch them out! A true sociopath is very good at lying. But beware if you have proof that they have lied to you, and you confront them with it. They do not like being caught out and can get extremely argumentative and unpleasant when challenged. I don't want to sound extreme but take care when confronting this person.
* A sociopath can pretend to be very good at listening and this is another way that they hook someone in, who feels, for instance, that their last partner never listened to them. One study a few years back found that people who admitted they were sociopathic say they try to be a very good listener because, to paraphrase, they know “it works”.
*The tide can change abruptly - once a sociopath feels in control they often then pick away at your self-esteem. Because previously they've been so loving and attentive to you, many will give them the benefit of the doubt. This is what they want. They want to undermine you so that they can get away with how they want to treat you. This is when you need to consider ending things. Yes, maybe they’re just going through a bad patch. And with boundaries they get back on track with good behaviour. But maybe not!
*True gaslighting starts – when you start setting your boundaries and telling them, for example, you're unhappy with X, Y, or Z, that's when they will turn it around and say that it's all your fault. When this happens you know you are dealing with someone who wants to control and undermine you. I would strongly suggest this is when you end it and don't think about giving them third or fourth chances.
Go with your gut, discuss what’s happening with a trusted friend, ask yourself if you’d treat someone they way they treat you (no!), and leave them behind.
Good luck, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
Protect your heart...
My latest column for Wingman Dating App
Spring is here and it's the perfect time to make yourself more ‘date-able’. When you feel good about yourself that's when you are most likely to attract someone worthy into your life.
Here are five key tips to try this spring:
1/ Face a Fear - Fears hold us back in many ways and especially in dating. We fear showing ourselves up or saying the wrong thing when we meet someone new.
You can boost your confidence by tackling something that causes you fear or anxiety. Maybe you don't like speaking at work so this is the perfect time to volunteer to do a presentation. Practise makes perfect so keep practising that presentation until you feel confident about it.
Choose an outfit for the big day that makes you feel good about yourself and go for it. Enjoy the moment after accomplishing this task and facing this fear!
2/ Explore New Places - we get stuck in a rut and tend to go to the same places all the time. And I don't even mean your “hunting ground” as a single. Even with friends we eat at the same restaurants go to the same bars, etc. Plan to try some new places with your friends. Get out of your comfort zone and relish the new places.
3/ Face a Fresh Challenge - you can inject some sparkle into your life by setting yourself a new challenge. We get so settled in our routines that this can liven things up.
It’s quite literally in our genes to thrive on challenges after all ancient people faced challenges every day that they rose to. You could learn a new skill, a new craft, try learning a new language, etc. All of these things wake up your brain giving you more confidence.
4/ Dump the Little Devil on Your Shoulder - we all have an inner voice and in fortunately it often is a little devil. It tells you that you're not good enough or constantly remind you about your so-called failures.
Give yourself a new lease of confidence by recognising it and transforming it into a kinder little angel on your shoulder. An angel that tells you, that you are doing OK. That reassures you that everyone makes mistakes and that we can learn from them.
5/ Recharge Your Relationships - getting ready for lots of dating this spring can be helped by recharging your relationships with friends and family. Making the most of your relationships helps you be dating-ready. Regularly check in with friends and family. Don't let your life be all about work, chores, more work and more chores. Suggest some lovely meet ups to spend quality time with them. Having good solid relationships generally makes it easier to have good solid dating, where you make good choices.
Here’s to A new spring in your step as a springboard for some fun dating.
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
My latest column for Wingman Dating App
Just when you think you've heard of all the new dating terms along comes ‘future faking’. What on earth is this? It's an emotionally unhealthy way of relating to someone you started messaging, or chatting to, on a dating app like Wingman. Or when you meet someone IRL and they start behaving this way.
In the recent past I have date-coached people who have experienced this, and I was surprised to see cases of ‘future faking’.
Future faking is where you pretend to see a future together. Through messaging - or through talking -you describe what the future could look like and the kind of future you're looking for.
What makes it fake is that the person doing this doesn't have any intention of making a real future with the person they're chatting with.
The singles I have coached who have experienced this say that it's extremely disappointing, very hurtful, and makes them wary of getting close to someone again.
So why would someone ‘future fake’?
Having talked about this with clients and thought about it from a psychological perspective, there seems to be a couple of main reasons behind a single behaving like this. And there is a world of difference between these two main reasons for future faking.
Firstly, there are the seemingly harmless people who would call themselves hopeless romantics and dreamers. Once they're in contact with someone, they start to innocently speculate about what a potential future might look like. Such romantics might actually hope a future relationship. However, with the way they view the world through ‘rose coloured spectacles’, they may not have the necessary skills to realistically develop a future relationship.
Then there is the second main type of person who has a darker side. They are the ones who 'future fake' in a manipulative way, in order to gain someone's interest and also their trust.
This type of future faker is potentially detached from real emotional connection for whatever reason. For example, maybe they were badly hurt in the past and so they've erected an emotional barrier. Then they pretty much lead on other singles - in the shape of misguided revenge - with hopes of a future relationship.
I highly recommend being a bit sceptical of someone who starts describing how they see the future, especially early on in your contacts.
What about if YOU have been 'future faking'?
It's time to self-reflect about your dysfunctional future faking behaviour.
Do you need to give up on somewhat immature notions of a classic fairy tale ending? You should definitely take more time before you start painting what a future relationship might look like.
It could be wise to enlist a friend as a dating-wingman if you have a habit of doing this. Put to them what you're thinking of putting on your profile or also thinking of saying when you've started interacting with someone.
If you fall into the malicious category and you simply don't worry about painting a fairy tale future for someone you've just met, I'd highly recommend you take time out of dating. And have a strong word with yourself. However, I doubt that will happen.
If you're meeting people on dating apps or in real life, always take anything said in the early days with a pinch of salt. Some healthy scepticism is wise and can go a long way.
Good luck and happy dating! x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
My latest column for Wingman Dating App...
Did you start seeing someone in the pre-Christmas window and now the pre-Valentine's window is causing you to panic? That's totally understandable because one survey of singles found that if you've only been together for the last month or two, you're likely to get Valentine's anxiety.
This is that feeling of dread about if you should mention Valentine's to that very new partner. Go back 1700 years to the time of Saint Valentine and I think he'd tell you to go for a little bit of fun and romance on the big day because life can be short.
Here are top tips for figuring out February 14th:
* Do you love romantic gestures and have always made them when you're in a relationship at this time of year? Make that your starting point. Think about this new person and if they seem to enjoy a little romance or not.
Let that guide you with any plans. If they are kind and loving but not particularly romantic, then make your gesture a small one. This won't freak them out and might encourage a little romance out of them.
Obviously if they seem very romantic then you can pull out the stops with a gift and/or something like a romantic walk over Valentine's weekend. Or maybe visit to a lovely old pub or cook something special.
* How do you see your fledging relationship? Have you met IRL? Or are you still just chatting on messaging services? Does it seem like you two are exclusive now? This should help you decide what you say about Valentine's Day. Because if you've not actually met at this point you should probably keep it low key unless they say something to the contrary.
* Do you find them to be good at communicating their emotions? This is a great sign that you can talk to them before the big day, in the coming week, about their feelings about Valentine’s day.
Keep it light and upbeat. Say something simple like: “What do you think about Valentine's? Should we do something that weekend?”
Using the old fashioned ‘c’ word – communication - is crucial especially if you like this person. It's important to start communicating in a healthy manner with them now.
* Finally, thinking ahead, there could be a lot of tension in the future if you feel things like Valentine's are critically important to a relationship and if they feel it's all a load of commercial nonsense. Some couples manage such differences well but other couples find it becomes an increasing hurdle to the health of their relationship.
Good luck and happy dating! x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
My new Wingman Dating App column...
Singles often ask me if, what they’ve been through, when dating, counts as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abusive control where the perpetrator slowly takes control of a relationship - and the other person - step by step. They then go on to damage that person’s self esteem with a drip, drip, drip of emotionally abusive behaviour.
It can happen quite quickly or develop slowly over many months. One survey of singles found that over two-thirds of women felt they had been gaslit, at some point, by a person they had dated, even briefly.
It can take different forms but two of the main forms include: love bombing you and then starting to undermine you. Or alternatively undermining you right from the start.
When a new person love bombs you, it can feel good. They constantly compliment you, they're always asking if you're okay, they seem to love everything about you. …then when you’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, their behaviour switches.
The alternative, is when they actually start undermining you from the first date, perhaps questioning your choice of outfit.
Top tips to try if you think you've been gaslit:
* Being gaslight often means that you've started apologising for everything, for instance, over choosing the supposedly “wrong” outfit for a night out.
It is time to stop apologising all the time. Because it becomes a habit for those who have been in such a relationship, even for a relatively short amount of dating. Being apologetic for anything and everything becomes a habit that you need to break. Learn to only apologise when you have actually done something, that you would expect someone else to apologise to you for, if they had done it to you.
*As that gas-lighter has probably got you into the habit of minimising your own feelings, it's time to remember that your feelings are important and valid. In the coming weeks when you experience a strong emotion, embrace it, tell yourself you are entitled to that emotion. Fight that inner voice that has maybe learned to tell you that you're over dramatising everything.
*Start valuing your self-worth! Having been in this kind of relationship, you have probably started to think you're not worth any more than what you have been getting from that person. In other words, that you’re not entitled to good treatment.
Scratch those thoughts. Everyday think about the good qualities you have. Tell yourself you are a very worthy person and you are worthy of finding a happy and healthy relationship.
*Stop excusing their gaslighting behaviour. Because you started to excuse it when you were dating them, you might find you still excuse it to people who ask you about this relationship. Despite having got out of it, many people who have been subjected to gaslighting, still find excuses for that person. Don't ever excuse their bad behaviour.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
My latest column for Wingman Dating app...
For many singles it’s a relief that Christmas can be spent how you’d like to, maybe with family or friends or simply some much needed time on your own. That’s a brilliant approach to handling this time of year on your own and after my divorce as a very young woman it was exactly how I felt - this was a time just to give myself the best gift of time!
There is always a big ‘but’ though and that’s for the many singles who were desperate to find love over the last year and didn’t find someone special to spend the holidays with.
There can be a lot of tricky emotions involved in this situation. However, you can manage feelings of loneliness or perhaps manage that little devil on your shoulder telling you that you should have tried harder or that maybe you should have settled for that person who really wasn’t top-notch. And it’s also a time to open up your mind to embracing the best things about being single at this time of year.
Here are some top tips to help boost how you feel at this festive time of year:
*Challenge any misguided feelings that all those couples are loved up and cosy at Christmas. This is the time of year when more couples start falling apart and seek to separate in the New Year.
*Keep those promises to spoil yourself that you forgotten about over the year – stream that box set you’ve been putting off, treat yourself to the foods you like, take those extra long bubble baths that you never have time for, etc. Hangout in your pyjamas all day, and catch up on calls to friends that you haven’t spoken to for a while.
*Thinking of friends - get in touch with those who might be on their own or who might long have a meet up in between doing things with their partner or family. Keep it simple and suggest meeting for walks, coffees, drinks – the little things that can bring lots of happiness.
*Not every single has on their own is feeling total despair so if you’re feeling pretty confident check out the various singles events that happen around Christmas through the New Year. Go online and see what’s available near you because even if you don’t meet ‘the one’ go out just to have some fun.
*Don’t forget to get on Wingman app - with potentially more time on your hands you can check out who’s around.
*Think about 2025 and doing what I always recommend: widen your circle of opportunity. If you go to the same places you always see the same faces. So maybe your favourite bar, café or restaurant should be given a rest and you should check out some new places and maybe see a new face that appeals to you.
*You can also get outside of your comfort zone to increase chances of meeting someone new. You can sign up for the new gym that has opened locally or an evening class that is near your place of work. These are great things to do anyway and can provide you with new opportunities.
Happy Christmas, happy New Year and happy dating, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! If things are difficult please see my latest post on X for some helping oorganisations...
My latest column for Wingman Dating App...
And yet another term for the singles that I date coach: ‘pocketing’! Let’s say you've been seeing someone for a while but so far you haven’t met their friends or family - you could be in a pocketing situation.
There are many people who don’t like to rush introducing someone new to their friends and family, when they’ve started dating someone. Fair enough! However, there comes a time when most of us start thinking we would like to meet their friends and family and also have them meet ours.
On the whole I think pocketing is different to being a commitment-phobe. Those with big commitment issues rarely settle down for good and it runs through their personality like a band of unbreakable steel. With pocketing, it seems it’s more about taking time.
Some key tips if you think you’re being pocketed:
*Keep it to simple plans, but ask them to come meet your friends. Make it a relaxed scenario, just a few drinks, nothing big. You can demonstrate that meeting your friends can be a chilled event. And maybe they’ll start thinking that you, meeting their friends, could also be relaxed and fun.
*If they haven’t said anything about getting together with their friends, when feeling relaxed say something like: I heard about this new bar opening up. Maybe you’d like to bring a couple friends along and we can check it out. Or some suggestion like this. Putting it out there in this manner it will feel less daunting.
*I think it’s a good idea to have a timeline in your mind. For instance, if you haven’t met their friends after six months of dating then it’s time to have a conversation about it. Again, you can do it when you’re both relaxed. You could start by saying how fun it was when you got together with your friends and you wonder why you haven’t met his/her friends yet. You can take it from there with whatever response they give you.
*Finally, if their friends are still off-limits now is the time to think about the fact they might be a commitment-phobe. The ball is in your court! It’s your decision if you’re happy doing ‘dating-light’ with them. Where things never deepen but are good between you. But if you want more, then it’s time to move on.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
For a snowy adventure for CHristmas, why not buy that child in your life Eva the Bear and the Magic Snowflake: BUY LINK https://shorturl.at/Etldf
Eva is an adventurous little bear who goes out in a snow storm and finds herself in big trouble!
A story that promotes courage and resilience in chidren!
Sizzling Sex
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