17/07/2024
In a new relationship? Damage Limitation for Your First Disagreement!
Advice My column for Wingman Dating App...
It’s bound to happen, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but you will have your first disagreement. The first disagreement can send some people into a panic especially if they’ve only been dating a short time.
It doesn’t necessarily have to spell ‘red flags’ for your new relationship because you’ve argued. It can be a great learning experience about each other and actually lead to a more significant relationship than simply dating.
Here are some damage limitation top tips:
(These will help you argue ‘well’!)
*Choose a moment when you’re both calm to talk about things
*Switch-off mobiles/tech, to prevent interruptions.
*Agree one goal to discuss about what you’ve argued about. Let’s say that you’ve argued generally about how one of you wants to see the other more frequently. The goal could be to understand how busy that person is so they could tell you more about how they spend their time meaning that at this point they expect fewer dates.
*Give each other a few minutes uninterrupted talking time.
*Begin with a positive, for example, say something specific about the fun you’ve had on your first few dates.
*Accept responsibility for your part in the issue - problems are rarely 100% one person's fault.
*Agree if things start getting heated you'll stop, take a breather, and try a different tack discussing the issue.
*Reflect back to him/her what he/she says to you, to see that you've understood them correctly. Because when we’re angry or upset we often misinterpret things.
*Tell them what most attracts you to them – always a winner.
*Beware how much you moan to family or friends about little disagreements you have with him/her. If you make it sound like it is all a ‘negative’ they might start worrying unnecessarily about this very new relationship. Keep chats with friends/family balanced.
Good luck! You might settle any stress between you and go on to have a fabulous relationship. Or maybe it will fizzle out anyway but these tips give it a chance.
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
I don't want you to stop speaking to each other...
30/06/2024
SINGLES: How to Get Back into Dating after a Long-Term Relationship!
My new column for Wingman Dating App...
It can be daunting to think about dating after a long-term relationship has broken down. One survey found over 70% of people, who had gone through major breakup, felt very nervous about getting back out there.
At some point you need to get going and try dating again. Without taking that risk, you won’t know what you might be missing.
The following are a handful of top tips for dating again:
*Listen to your intuition. Let’s say you’ve gone on a dating app like the wonderful Wingman. You match with someone but then they say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is not the time to feel uncomfortable around someone. This is the time to say to yourself: this isn’t the person for me. And move on.
*Having mentioned “moving on”, don’t feel guilty! Big break-ups can make us feel we don’t have any control. Even if the breakup was your choice, you didn’t take the choice to break up from a happy place. You would have been in an unhappy place.
Having met countless singles, I know guilt plays a huge part in them feeling they must take whatever is on offer.
Scratch that thought, you can move on as many times as you want to, if things don’t feel right with someone new.
*No point in trying to make the new into something old! It’s surprising how many singles, who have come out of an unhappy breakup, still look to create the same relationship again.
It’s important when you’re getting to know someone new, that you embrace new things with them. Don’t try and get them to help you recreate your old life. Your old life is gone and you have a new one to look forward to.
*Stay in control when it comes to sex! I’d be rich if I had a pound for every time a newly single lamented the fact that they jumped into bed with someone new and it was a bad experience. And it could’ve been a bad experience for many reasons - the person just wanted sex when you wanted more, it was really bad sex because you didn’t have the confidence to say what you like in bed, and so on.
The simple way to avoid regrets is to only have sex when you feel confident and in control about the situation. If you’re feeling pressure from that new person, they aren’t the right person for you!
* Work on your basic confidence! Your dating confidence is part of your general confidence. So the more confident you feel generally, the better for getting out dating again. On a daily basis, challenge yourself to do new things. They just have to be small but they have to be different. Break out of your routine, try new places and new activities. Slowly you will find that you’re feeling good about yourself. When you feel good inside, that’s when you attract worthy people.
Good luck and happy dating! x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
Hope you make that heart of yours happy again...
31/05/2024
SINGLES! Have I got loads of dating advice for you...
I've been so busy I haven't loaded my last 4 columns for Wingman Dating App.
So here they are - dating a 'flake', beware of 'submariners', being vulnerable and taking your dating to the next level, and how to avoid spiking when you're out and about...
Excuses Excuses, Time To Give Up On Them! Advice from our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (on twitter @drpamspurr and at www.drpam.co.uk )
It rarely turns out well when you end up dating a flaky person. They might be attractive, they might seem to have some really great attributes but they always have an excuse for so many things.
From not sorting the plans they suggested, to not getting back to you when they said they would, not ringing, disappearing for a few days, and such like, they will come up with an excuse.
These lackadaisical flakes are very different to players. Players go behind your back with other people. These flakes wouldn’t know how to plan cheating!
Here are some common excuses for their flaky behaviour:
*I just forgot about the time.
*I couldn’t remember what I said I would do.
*I figured it didn’t matter that much.
*I got tied up with something else and forgot I was supposed to do that.
*I decided it wasn’t a great suggestion. But, of course, he or she didn’t tell you that!
These types of excuses simply won’t wash if you’re a grown-up, emotionally mature woman or man who wants an equal partner. Who thinks both of you should be equally responsible for the well-being of your relationship.
Of course, if you’re the sort of person who likes to have a “project” this sort of partner might be perfect for you. You might be able to encourage more positive and dynamic behaviour from them.
However, I wouldn’t be surprised if you eventually find it an impossible task. This super laid-back, flaky attitude can be someone’s true nature. And that’s hard to change.
Maybe leave them to find someone else who is equally as flaky as they are. And full of excuses for never showing up on time or making plans work.
Good luck and happy dating! x
Visit Dr Pam’s art gallery for gifts ideas for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php
Beware of the ‘Submariner’! Advice from our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (on twitter @drpamspurr and at www.drpam.co.uk )
Dating terminology continually evolves just as the dating scene evolves. But seeing “submarining” mentioned I thought what is this dating-behaviour?
Here is the lowdown, submarining is a form of ghosting. Ghosting, as you undoubtedly know, is when you have been doing lots of messaging like on an app, or have even started seeing someone. Only to have them drop out of sight for good. No messages, no calls, like a puff of smoke they are gone.
Submarining is a development on ghosting. It is when a person drops out of your life but a number of months later, gets in touch. Seemingly out of the blue they are back!
You might be happy to see them, if you were pining for them. Even if you can get them off your mind during these months apart, you must use caution getting re-involved with them. If they can do it once, they can do it again.
Unless they have a fantastic excuse, I would advise steering clear. Because 99% of people must realise it is pretty crushing to just disappear on someone. And the other 1% are sociopaths who don’t care!
If you’re still keen to give them a second chance do these:
*Explore with them why – in detail – they decided to dump you without a word. Consider carefully what they say.
*Ask them if they had even given a thought about your feelings when they slipped off out of your life. If they say “not really” don’t go there!
*Let them know that if they start to feel that things aren’t working for them, to just tell you. And not do a runner again.
Personally, I don’t advise giving someone who behaves like a submariner, a second chance. However, I realise there may be the very rare but actually good excuse, for such behaviour.
Good luck and happy dating! x
Visit Dr Pam’s art gallery for gifts ideas for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php
Time For Some Vulnerability in Your Dating? Advice from our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (on twitter @drpamspurr and at www.drpam.co.uk )
We are always told to put “your best foot forward” whether it’s a job interview or a first date – and all points in between. It’s excellent advice, first impressions count across the board.
If you’re meeting your prospective manager or prospective partner for the first time, they will be taking in everything about you. Just as you do about them.
And we continue giving off the good impressions when we first start a new job or begin dating someone new. However, at least in your personal life, there comes a time where you need to start revealing the true you. That means, warts and all.
I’ve date coached singles who tried to live up to impossible standards - always being upbeat and positive, never complaining, making themselves an “easy date”.
After a few months of this it is extremely emotionally draining. That’s not good for you! It also means that you are not developing an emotionally mature relationship with this newish person.
An emotionally mature relationship includes managing your bad times and managing their bad times. It means allowing for mistakes, showing that you are far from perfect, just as they are. Because no one is perfect.
If you want a truly healthy and loving relationship you need to accept that they will have to see you at your best, at your mediocre, and at your worst.
Relationship research shows those who develop the deepest relationships are those who make themselves vulnerable in these ways. Because, ironically, when you show your vulnerabilities, you also show your strength.
It takes strength of character to allow him or her into your heart. It’s important to be aware of the difference between vulnerability and dependency. You can open your heart and bring them closer to you without being overly dependent.
Here are two crucial ways to make yourself vulnerable:
*You’ve had a bad day at work. You’re feeling pretty upset about it. In the early days of your first few dates, you would have covered this up. Now it’s time, when they ask how your day was, to let them know it was disappointing or upsetting. You can do so without making it into a drama. Just share your feelings honestly about such situations.
*You have some doubts about yourself. Not necessarily that you don’t feel “good enough” for them, but you wonder if you are right for them. Turn that thinking around. Remember they may be feeling exactly the same way about you and whether they’re right for you.
Pick your moment (not a drunken moment!). Open up the conversation about how sometimes you feel a little concerned or anxious in yourself. And you can say that you’re working on feeling more confident in the relationship. This could begin a truly positive chat about your newish relationship.
Once you’ve opened up that kind of conversation you have made progress with this potential, long term partner.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
Stay safe from spiking! Advice from our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (on twitter @drpamspurr and at www.drpam.co.uk )
Singles want to have fun, relax, and go out without worries. One thing they must worry about, though, is spiking. Spiking is on the rise and is especially dangerous for people out socialising, with women most at risk.
If you’ve ever seen an old 1940s film, you know they talk about “slipping someone a Mickey Finn”. That meant spiking a drink to render someone incapable of looking after themselves. Meaning this is not a new phenomenon.
Why do people spike drinks?
Although more research needs to be conducted in this area, there has been a new “craze” for thinking it is funny to do it to someone. More ominously, and more commonly, people spike drinks so they can take advantage of their target. Largely because either they want to steal from them or they want to sexually abuse them. There have been other motivations in some cases.
Where is it most likely to happen?
The research shows it is most likely to happen in bars with nightclubs coming second place. Pretty much anywhere where people are partying, having fun, and have let their guard down.
Beware though, 80% of reported spiking occurred in such public places leaving 20% to occur in private places like house parties.
Traditional spiking involves slipping a chemical into someone’s drink. However, needle spiking is on the rise. This is where someone injects a person’s body with a drug. The statistics show that needle spiking is more common in nightclubs, one main reason might be that they tend to be darker than bars and other locations.
Who is most likely to get spiked?
Recent research from YouGov shows that 10% of women know or think they have been spiked compared to 5% of men. Women were the victims in 74% of reported offences. However, everyone should be aware they can be a potential victim.
In 2023 the police recorded 6732 reports of spiking with 957 related to needle spiking. The average age of victims, across all reports, was 26 years old.
What are the symptoms that you’ve been spiked?
Symptoms include:
Nausea and/or vomiting.
Confusion, poor co-ordination and disorientation.
Paranoia and hallucinations.
The inability to communicate well.
Memory loss.
Lowered inhibitions.
Is spiking against the law even if done for supposedly “fun”?
Any form of spiking is a crime. Those who are successfully convicted can face tough sentences under Section 24 of the Offences against the Person Act 1861.
Examples of spiking include:
Without someone’s knowledge or permission, putting alcohol into what they believe to be a non-alcoholic drink.
Also, putting prescription or illegal drugs into someone’s alcoholic or non-alcoholic drink without their knowledge or permission.
Using a syringe to inject a person with prescription or illegal drugs without their knowledge or permission.
Furthermore, putting prescription or illegal drugs into someone’s food without their knowledge or permission.
And also putting prescription or illegal drugs into a person’s cigarette or vape without their knowledge or permission.
How can you avoid drink spiking?
Police guidance gives many tips including the following.
- Party safely and socialise with trusted friends.
- Buy your own drinks.
- If you are at a venue that serves drinks, watch the bartender prepare your drink.
- Never leave your drink unattended whether it's alcoholic or not.
- If possible, keep an eye on your friends' drinks.
- Don’t accept a drink from someone you do not know.
- Drink bottled drinks.
- Avoid sharing drinks.
- If a friend tells you they feel unwell, take them seriously, report it to the premises as well as the police, and get medical advice.
- If you feel unwell tell a friend immediately and do as above.
Stay safe and happy dating, Pam x
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
Hope these columns help you avoid heartbreak...
Sizzling Sex
Successful Dating
Happy and Healthy Relationships
Powerful Parenting
