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Increase Your Dating Success by Decreasing Your Anxiety PART 1!

My latest Wingman Dating App column tackles anxiety and dating...

A few years ago I came across a study that showed that people with higher levels of anxiety had a less likely chance of meeting someone and getting into a relationship. It doesn’t take a psychologist to realise that if you’re feeling anxious, it’ll show when you meet someone. They in turn may not give you more chances to get more confident and have the real you shine through.

Anxiety is even more of a problem now with people struggling with the lockdowns. Here are my first five tips to help you decrease your anxiety and increase your dating success:

Take Control - If you’re struggling with anxiety it really becomes the case that it’s controlling you rather than you controlling it. Keep a diary for at least a few days – or even better for a week – of your anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

At the end of the week take time to look through it, examine it and familiarise yourself with "the enemy" - your anxiety. Make a note of when your anxiety peaks and what sets it off, etc.

Understand The ‘Enemy’ - Having familiarised yourself with the pattern of your anxiety over that week, think about what you've learnt. Maybe you’ve identified that particular people or situations set off your anxiety. Then, once anxious, you respond in ‘negative’ ways. If so, take some time and think through why you give these situations or people this power over your feelings, leaving you anxious.

Set a Goal - Start with one goal with whatever makes you anxious. Maybe you need to practice asserting yourself with certain people. Or you might need to look at your reactions to people and set a goal about staying calm in response to certain things.

For instance, your first goal might be to plan what you need to say to a certain person who makes you anxious. And to practice what you plan to say. Practising gives you confidence to set your boundaries. 

Don’t Keep Anxiety Secret – It’s really important not to hide anxious feelings from family and friends because you feel embarrassed. They are not going to judge you! Opening up and talking about the anxiety you experience can help defuse some of it. I always say that “secrets make you sicker” – and that includes keeping a secret about things like anxiety.

Get Physical Exercise - Exercise can really help burn any excess, anxious energy. You don’t have to go out for a 10 km jog! A brisk walk or dancing around your sitting room to your playlist will do.

Exercise boosts those feelgood endorphins - and they help relax you.

Five more key anxiety-fighting tips coming up next week. In the meantime good luck with these tips and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

I hope you can calm your anxious mind so it no longer feels like this...

 

 

 

 


Join my stellar guests on my radio show today at 2 PM UK time!

You can join me live on the Men's Radio Station's Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and comment on today's show starting at 2 PM. I have the supremely talented actor Neil Stuke, the inimitable Ben Ofoedu and psychologist Dr Chris Dwyer!

HERE ARE THE SHOW LINKS!! 

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?v=4223244247689816&ref=watch_permalink

YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOpZKP4ysLs

TWITTER: https://www.pscp.tv/w/1PlKQPzpQAaxE

We are talking all sorts of topics that mean something to you including what's trending and how it relates to our lives. If you miss out today it's repeated tomorrow on the Men's station and the Women's Radio Station at 4 PM

Look forward to you joining in! Love, Pam x

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Singles check this: Five ‘F’ Factors That Determine The Success Of Your New Love!

Here's my latest dating column for Wingman Dating App...

People often ask me what’s the secret to couples who get together and have a harmonious relationship. Why do some couples seem so compatible?

I’m going to keep this short and sweet for you! Because there are five crucial ‘F’ factors I’ve found over the years that determine harmony and compatibility between partners. And they all begin with ‘F’!

If you look at these honestly when you first start dating someone, you will arm yourself with the most important knowledge to make it a success. Even if you can see, early on, that you may not see eye to eye  on any of these given factors, you will be ready to find compromise.

Here are the five ‘F’ factors:

Factor1/ Friendships - How you see friends in your life and how this new person sees their friends. Because how little or greatly you depend on your friends or enjoy spending time with them definitely comes into play in your new relationship.

Take note of how they view their friendships compared to how you view yours. For instance, you really rely on your friends but they are quite independent and don’t talk to their friends very often. In future, it may be that it’s absolutely fine you hang out with your friends while they pursue their own interests.

 

Factor 2/ Family life - Family members and their impact on your relationship can be major. Like with friendships, if you and your family are always in and out of each other’s houses, but they rarely see theirs, think carefully how this might affect your relationship. Each of your expectations of what family life should be like, definitely comes into play in a long-term relationship.

 

Factor 3/ Finances - Money differences are at the root of 1/3 of divorces. Your compatibility may well depend on how you both view money. There is always compromise if they have qualities you really like. If one of you is a big spender and the other big saver going forward you may agree to a plan like saving 50% of any extra money that comes in, and spending the other 50%.

 

Factor 4/ Fun and leisure - A lot of your time is about hobbies/interests so do you to like the same things? If so, that makes it easy. If not, then the emotionally mature way forward is to both pursue your own hobbies at relatively the same time – like Saturday afternoons.

 

Factor 5/ The "F***" factor – ‘Fanciability’ - this factor is all about whether you two have similar levels of sex drive/libidos and similar expectations ‘between the sheets’. Again, in my experience this is something that can be compromised over. If one of you has a higher and the other has a lower sex drive it does not spell the end of an otherwise promising relationship.

 

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 

 

 


Calling all singles: Recharge Your Dating Self Part 2!

Here's Part 2 of my latest Wingman Dating App column...

Last week I covered the first five tips for recharging your dating-self. It’s like giving your car an MOT, it’s a good idea to MOT your dating-vibe to give yourself the best chance of meeting someone worthy of you.

Here is my second set of top tips:

CREATE A COMFORT ZONE – Creating a comfort zone around you means taking the anxiety out of you - and them - when you start face-timing before any meet ups. With lockdown, people are spending more time face-timing than ever before - because there are slim chances of actually meeting up.

Creating your comfort-zone means you don’t start any chats in a state of nerves - or running late - because you hadn’t got yourself sorted out, etc.

For your own peace of mind your comfort zone means you’ve, for example, given yourself time to get ready for a video chat so you’re not flustered. And if you fluster easily then sort out the outfit for your Zoom-date well in advance so you’re not running around looking for the “perfect” look with only a minute to go.

LOOK FOR FUN - If you’ve not had any success for a while it can be really helpful to stop looking for the ‘love of your life’, your ‘soul-mate’, and your future ‘baby-daddy/mamma’. Because sometimes looking for this important person plays out in your body language.

Instead go into app-chats and face-timing looking for fun (and by ‘fun’ I don't mean sex. Although you might be looking for sex, too!). Holding this in mind will naturally relax you – and that’ll show in your vibe.

KEEP THEM WANTING MORE – It doesn’t matter that you’re looking for love in lockdown, it’s still important to create a little mystery. Instead of being instantly available when you’ve matched with someone and they suggest a chat suggest a time that actually suits you. This is not game playing, it’s simply showing that you have a life. And that you can’t instantly be available for a chat or to stay chatting for hours on end.

Plus, don’t feel you must reveal exactly what you’ve been up to. Until you know them better, you don’t have to say what pressing work you have to do or the fact you want to do a face mask! It’s a different story once you’re moving towards a relationship and you share more and more what you do in your time away from them.

REJECTION ISN’T FAILURE - It’s never fun to be rejected – you’d matched on an app, you’d messaged a bit and then it stopped. They weren’t interested in continuing getting to know you.

We've all been turned down! The worst thing you can do is take it to heart. There could be a hundred reasons why they didn’t want to keep messaging or FaceTiming - something could have come up in their life and they decided they just didn’t have the time for dating, or they felt you weren’t right for each other, etc.

Turn the tables on your thinking - you've undoubtedly turned someone down because of any number of reasons and it didn't make that person a sad reject. Onwards and upwards.

WIDEN YOUR CIRCLE OPPORTUNITY - If you’re still looking for someone in the same places - like hoping to catch someone’s eye on Twitter or Instagram - and you haven’t found it - then it’s time to widen your circle of opportunity. That was easier before lockdown when you could go to new bars, new restaurants, new single events. But it holds true now and you might just meet the right person on, e.g., Wingman if you broaden your search.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

Put the electricity back into your dating-self...

 


Calling all singles: Recharge Your Dating Self Part 1!

Here's my latest column for Wingman dating App...

New Year is the perfect time to think ahead about how to recharge your dating ‘self’. It’s all about becoming the best possible version of yourself when striking out, looking for someone new.

Far too many singles are what I’d classify as ‘difficult to date’ and that doesn’t have to be the case for you! You can try usable, straightforward tips to take you forward in 2021.

Here are the first of my top tips:

RE-DO YOUR ROMANTIC CHECKLIST - Okay, maybe you don’t have an actual checklist but you probably have a mental checklist. The things a potential partner supposedly must have before you’d date them. Is it as long as your arm?

Please do become more aware of unnecessary things like he or she must be over a certain height. Definitely keep the important things on your list like hoping they have a GSOH and that they’re respectful. But kick off the New Year by dumping those frivolous and shallow things like your hair colour preferences.

In a nutshell, those who are the most ‘dateable’ have a positive attitude to potential partners that’s also realistic.

 

BE PREPARED - Despite being in a tier system or even locked down, you never know when you might meet a Mr/Ms Potential. Always be ready with a smile when, for example, walking your dog in the park or even when you’re wearing a mask in your local shop. People can still read what your eyes are saying - a smile shows through them.

Of course, you have to be safe about meeting someone who might live locally to you. But it’s like the old-fashioned, pre-covid days when you might go to a pub, a gig, an event, and take someone’s phone number.

BELIEVE IN YOU – I’ll never get fed up with saying this in my columns and it’s crucial for 2021 to build your self-belief. You know when you look at someone and you think they look shy or anxious, etc.? You make that judgement because you read their body language. It’s the same with you.

If you go out, or go online, thinking you’ll never meet someone, and that no one’s going to be interested, doubting you’re even worthy of love, people ‘read’ that. That’s because your general vibe plus your body language/behaviour reveals your inner thoughts.

Begin to build it by holding firmly in mind the three reasons why you’re a ‘catch’. Think about what your loved ones value in you. Remind yourself of those qualities.

YOUR DATING-VIBE - A step on from raising your self-belief is thinking about your general dating-vibe - for instance, is it over-keen or intense? That can make others feel uneasy. Or is it very laid back and maybe even disinterested? That can equally make people wonder what you’re about.

The balance you want to strike is friendly, a bit flirty and interested in her or him. Think back to when you’ve first met people before - try to picture yourself and how you come across. Try to be honest with yourself about how you can be more relaxed, or the reverse, and be more attentive.

SWITCH OFF SHYNESS – Many people I’ve date coached say they become shy when they find a person attractive. The easiest trick is to switch off your own shyness by switching the spotlight onto them.

Ask them straightforward questions – you don’t have to be a fantastic conversationalist – just interested. Let’s say you’ve met someone online and you’re chatting online - have three areas ready to ask about – maybe the music they’re listening to, any good films/TV they’ve seen, reminiscing about the last time you saw live music, etc.

More tips for recharging your dating-self next week. In the meantime, happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php


Miss my radio show today? Here are links...

All of my guests today – Lizzie Cundy, Jay James, Tru Powell and Steven Smith - were fantastically open and honest about the ups and downs of 2020. And each of them had a great piece of advice for going into 2021!

Here are the links, I hope you enjoy (and you get to see me in a Santa's hat slipping off my head, lol) Happy Christmas to you and yours, Pam xx

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Join me Christmas Eve 2 PM UK time for my last radio show of the year...

I have the most festive show planned for you at 2 PM Christmas Eve! You can get involved between 2 and 3 PM on the Men's Radio Station's social media - so check out their Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and message your comments during the show.

I have four some guests joining me to share their stories and what they're up to – The always glamorous Lizzie Cundy, The supertalented Jay James - member of the multiplatinum selling The Overtones, award-winning entrepreneur and social commentator Tru Powell and PR and writer Steven Smith!

It's repeated 4 PM Christmas Day on both The Men's Radio Station and their sister station The Women's Radio Station!

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Don't miss out, love, Pam x

 

 


Are You Their Rebound-Fling Part 2?

Here's the second part to my column for Wingman Dating app about rebound relationships...

if you’re seeing someone new and feeling super loved-up that’s a brilliant place to be. It’s like being on cloud nine, everything seems possible.

One consideration, though, is whether this new ‘love’ recently came out of a serious relationship? You don’t want to be in rebound territory.

Last week I covered a few crucial signs that you might be their ‘rebound relationship’. Here are three more signs to be aware of:

They call their ex’s name - There can hardly be anything worse than a new partner calling out their ex-partner's name in the middle of sex. Funny enough, our use of someone's name - like a long-term partner - becomes a habit. Their name is literally ‘programmed’ to the tip of our tongue. So, it’s not surprising their ex’s name might slip out in moments of intense excitement because of this.

However, what should concern you is if their ex’s name comes out in other circumstances, like in general conversations. That’s not a good sign. They should be more aware to be focused on you and your name.

The kid-factor - if they have a child/children - and you've got a big heart - it can be a wonderful thing to become a step-parent figure (I've been there). However some people are desperately seeking the new "Daddy or Mummy Mock 2" for their children. If they want you to dive in and get involved with their children early on, explain that you'd love to at the right time. Make this a very gradual process so their child’s well-being comes first.

Mind the statistics! Relationship research shows that 90% of first relationships after a breakup fall apart - and often quite quickly. This means if you’re the new partner, post-breakup statistics suggest you've only got a one in 10 chance of staying together!

Keep this in mind if things seem to get a bit rocky. Your best bet is to deal with issues as-and-when they arise and definitely don't sweep them under the carpet.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

5 Signs You Are In A Rebound Relationship


Are You Their Rebound Relationship? Here's Part 1...

Here's my latest column for Wingman Dating App - Part 1 about rebound relationships...

It’s been tough out there over the last year for singles. But now you’ve connected with someone you think is good ‘relationship material’. They happen to have come out of a serious relationship recently but that doesn’t trouble you. Or should it?

Rebound relationships are very likely to fail so check out these three rebound rules to give your new romance the best chance:

Rebound Rule No. 1: Are they too into you?

It seems like a dream come true - they can't get enough of you and want to spend loads of time together even though it's early days. Beware - it might be that despite the breakup, they’re missing the 24/7 TLC they used to get in their relationship.

It can mean they’re like an emotional sponge that'll suck everything out of you and may not end up giving you much back. Take charge of the pace of how serious you get and how quickly.

Rebound Rule No. 2: Does their heart belong to their ex?

You excused the fact there are a couple old photos of their ex lying on their desk. And you noticed there are a few things of their ex’s hanging in the closet. You excuse it thinking they haven’t had time to pack these things away or send them back.

Proceed with caution because when they still have their ex’s personal effects – that they don’t seem inclined to get rid of – it might be they have a strong emotional attachment to them... and to their ex! When you feel confident, casually ask why they don’t send these things back.

Rebound Rule No. 3: How much does their ex feature in their conversations?

Maybe they cleared the rest of their ex’s things out but how much does their ex pop up in random chats? Occasional reference to an ex-partner is totally normal. But it signals they’re probably rebound material if they just can't help them self and their ex crops up in many ways.

For instance, you two are sitting in a restaurant and they bring up their ex’s culinary likes and dislikes. Or you go see a film and they mention the ones their ex did/didn't like, etc. If their ex is featuring that much in their chats, then their ex probably features even more in their thoughts. Definitely let them know you don't like hearing about their ex in this way. Remind them as often as necessary.

Next week I have three more key signs to watch out for. In the meantime, be mindful of how much their ex still features in their life.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

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The Emotional Eater's Diet

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