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Is it love or the lifestyle that keeps you in this relationship? An interview I gave...

As I'm still unpacking from my house move the lovely people at Wingman Dating App have taken an interview I gave about this seemingly new trend for people to stay in a relationship and they like them lifestyle... Even when they're not passionately in love anymore.

Here it is. This interview was for a female readership but the thoughts could apply to anyone. And it's not all about material things, sometimes the lifestyle you've created with your partner means you share joint friends and really enjoy their company.

Happy dating, Pam x

 


After being off air with the big house move I'm so excited for my show this Thursday, August 5th!

I hope you can join me at 2 PM, UK time, Thursday, August 5th for my radio show on the Men's Radio Station, repeated Friday, August 6 at 4 PM on both the Men's Radio Station and its sister station, the Women's Radio Station!

Here are the links for commenting live Thursday at 2 PM on their social media platforms like YouTube and Facebook – I look forward to your comments!

 
 
This week I have the historical novelist Andy West joining me to talk about his upcoming novel, how to get started as a novelist, well-being and more! He's followed by the fabulous vocal coach and TV star Yvie Burnett who will be discussing the power of music to lift you as well as how people are making big life changes during the pandemic.
 
I look forward to you joining us, Pam x
 


SINGLES: Are you ready for a serious relationship? Read on...

Here's my latest Wingman Dating App column...

Things are heating up between you two and you feel so excited about where this new relationship might go. This is one of the most common themes brought up by the singles I date coach. They ask me if their situation is going to get serious?

 

There are distinct signs that you are on the path to something more serious. It’s important to think clearly about these signs when you really like someone because the sexual chemistry between you can be like rose tinted spectacles: you resist seeing the negatives.

Here are three key things to consider about yourself and that new person:

*How much do you two argue about day-to-day things? If you’re constantly arguing it’s a sign that potentially neither of you is ready for compromise. Being able to compromise is a pillar of being ready to have a serious relationship.

Otherwise, you’ll be arguing from here to eternity! If you’re in this situation – where you argue a lot – but you really like them – it’s time to look for any ‘patterns’ to your arguing. The sort of patterns I mean include things like you two pull apart when it comes to what to do with your spare time. Recognising an issue like this can help flag up where you can successfully compromise.

*Have you met each other’s friends and families? And does there seem to be a good vibe there? If yes, that’s a great sign for getting more serious. If no, think about the issues that make you feel stressed around each other’s friends/families. Are you still guarded about the time you spend together? Do you feel you don’t want to ‘share’ them with their friends/family? Or maybe you – or they – don’t seem that bothered about seeing each other’s friends and family?

Whatever angle applies to your relationship, think through the emotions behind it. Being around each other’s friends and family can raise feelings of envy or territoriality. Unfortunately, those feelings suggest that you aren’t ready to get serious. This flags up that your relationship hasn’t deepened enough to cope with occasional niggles that friends and family bring up.

*Do you (or they) get easily irritated by the day-to-day things of ‘life maintenance’? Do either of you get annoyed about having to get a big shop in, having to sort out the bills, having to plan what to do, where to go, who else to see? Again, this is a key sign that you’re not ready for what a true and serious relationship includes. It includes that ‘life maintenance’ stuff that must be done by both of you – to keep your lives running – while you decide where you’re going with this relationship.

I hope these three key points give you food for thought and help guide you on what might need to change if this relationship is going to become a serious one.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php


New painting: Peacock Dreams

New painting: Peacock Dreams - acrylics on 300gsm Bockingford paper in a lightweight black wood frame, 87 x 67 cm overall including frame (framing options available).
Based on the beautiful peacock I saw at Cotswolds Wildlife Park. Please go to the Art Gallery/Shop on my homepage and select "paintings".

To purchase please email pamspurrart@gmail.com to purchase at £525 plus P&P (includes this present frame) or $725 plus P&P for international sales.

£525 plus P&P (includes this present frame) or $725 plus P&P for international sales.

Close up photos...


Dating After Divorce (or a major break-up) Part 2! Advice for singles...

Here's my latest column for Wingman dating app...

In my last column I tackled five top tips to get you feeling confident after all the messy feelings that go along with a major breakup.

 

Here are the next set of tips to help you on your way to finding someone new!

 

Dating Again tip No. 6: The revealing things they say about exes

 

Watch for five key, negative things that new person might say about exes - they tell you loads about them as a potential partner for you. 1/ It was always their fault – this reflects that this person takes little responsibility in relationships. 2/ They say they “can’t trust again” - this might flag up commitment issues. 3/ they say that “relationships always hurt” – reflecting that they’ve become negative, impacting on how they relate.

Dating Again tip No. 7: Beware of trying to recreate your old life –

FACT: No two relationships are the same yet many who've had a committed relationship subconsciously try to recreate it. Especially if they didn’t want the breakup or to divorce. Crucial to never go into dating hoping to find a replacement partner or to recreate your old relationship. Successful dating depends on meeting a new person and accepting them for who they are and what they offer.

 

Dating Again tip No. 8: Sex as a newly single –

 

Never let go of the fact that you’re an adult and can decide when you want sex. Don’t feel pressured to rush sex and wait until you feel confident about who you go to bed with. It’s crucial to also be aware of having sex out of loneliness. You just want to feel someone’s arms around you. Problem is, if you don’t know them well, you don’t know if they will stick around if you want to develop a relationship with them.

 

Dating Again tip No. 9: Dust off your dating confidence –

Make it a daily practice to do something new to increase self-belief. It can be simple things like going somewhere new for lunchbreaks or joining an evening class. Also remind yourself daily of the best qualities you offer. And stop that little devil on your shoulder when it says, "No one will be attracted to me," substitute with a positive like, "there are many reasons why someone would be lucky to have me!"

Dating Again tip No. 10: Keep your children out of your new relationship –

If you have children don’t rush introducing them to every person you date. A revolving-door policy – where you bring home the ‘date-of-the-week’ – isn't emotionally healthy. Even if you really like someone after a time, resist bringing them home. Make sure your new love is on solid ground because otherwise it's surprising how quickly, especially younger children, form new bonds. They will be hurt if it falls apart.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 Premium Photo | Close up of plaster and paper broken heart on white  background.

 

 


Calling all newly single! Dating After Divorce (or a major break-up) Part 1...

Here's my latest dating column from Wingman Dating App 

When chatting with singles I wasn't surprised how many had been through a divorce or major breakup. After all, the divorce rate is presently @ 40%. And this includes many 'silver singles' looking for love again.

 

I was struck by the common theme of low-confidence for dating. You'd assume singles felt good about handling a date seeing as they have life experience of careers, committed relationships, and possibly having children.

 

Scratch that thought, self-doubt and anxiety ruled! But fear not, I’ve five top tips to help you dip your toe back in dating waters. With another five next week.

 

Dating Again Tip No. 1: It’s all about looking for fun and friendship –

Avoid appearing over keen or even desperate by keeping a chilled out when you meet someone. People easily read signs of someone who is overly keen: they laugh at everything their date says, they pick up their phone on the first ring, and replies to messages ASAP.

Instead look for fun and friendship at singles’ events or on spontaneous meetings when out and about. Keep things light-hearted banishing the thought this person might be ‘the one’ the minute you clap eyes on them.

Dating Again Tip No. 2: Crucial to get your timing right

 

The fear of being alone can put terrible pressure to start dating ASAP after a break up. But timing’s everything. You need to have recovered from the worst of the breakup. Otherwise, you can't put your best and most confident foot forward. A rule of thumb is that when you have more good - than bad – ppost-breakup moments in your day, you're probably ready to get out there.

 

Dating Again Tip No. 3: Emotional baggage ‘check’

 

Do you carry enough emotional baggage to fill an airplane hold? The battle scars of divorce and breakups come in many forms. Two main types are 1/ insecurities about how 'dateable' you are and 2/ unexpressed anger about the way your ex treated you.

If you're still fantasising about getting back at your ex you may well take this out on a new – and blameless - person. And if you've been left with insecurities your inner voice is probably on a loop saying “I'm not good enough”. If these resonate it's crucial you boost your confidence through the support of friends and family before looking for love.

Dating Again Tip No. 4: Don’t fast-forward things

 

You're lonely, you can't believe you're no longer in a relationship and there’s a big void to fill. It’s a powerful temptation to dive into a new relationship. You think, "They'll do," overlooking relationship ‘red alerts’ like the fact you've got nothing in common.

 

When you’re living happily as a single is when you make a better partner. Put the brakes on if you meet someone and suddenly want to message them all the time and see them every evening. A slower pace prevents heartbreak.

 

Dating Again Tip No. 5: Be your best possible self -

 

Don’t pretend to be outgoing if you're quiet or that you're up-to-date with tech if you can't work out your phone. Singles report that finding someone who’s genuine and trustworthy ranks high on positive attributes. 

 

So be ready to share your interests when you meet a potential partner. And keep it simple by asking things like if they've seen a film you've just seen, if they like that new TV drama, etc.

 

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 10 Pitfalls to avoid when getting a Divorce Neves Solicitors LLP

 

 


If you have diet or nutrition worries DON'T miss my radio show Thursday....

I have nutrition and diet guru Dr Lori Shemek on my show this week and she and I are doing a special on all things you need to know about being healthy and fit through what you eat!

Then I have the lovely Mr Fabulous returning - Jay Kamiraz - and he and I will be talking about how to boost your confidence going forward!

You can ask questions and comment live during the show on the station's social media platforms - on these two links - love to hear your thoughts, stories and comments!  
 
See you Thursday, love, Pam x
 
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Calling singles! Some love barriers you might be putting up...

From my Wingman Dating App column...

I want you to face the many fears that can potentially hold you back from being happy within yourself and finding love. Every woman needs to challenge their anxieties, fears and worries and has the potential to do so - now's the time to start challenging yours!

 

Typical love barriers –

Here are some typical love barriers I'm going to highlight for you. Even if you think some of them don't affect you, have a read through as you might learn something!

Lack of confidence –

Feeling "not good enough" or "unworthy" is one of the most common and important issues that hold women back from enjoying healthy and happy relationships. Low self-confidence is prevalent in our society that places so much emphasis on "success" of every kind, including having the perfect romance and relationship. Here's an analogy to consider - think of your basic confidence levels as the equivalent of foreplay before sex. If you don't have foreplay, you're very unlikely to have great sex! The same is true with confidence - if you don't have adequate levels you’re unlikely to find a happy and loving relationship. This is because women with low confidence tend to attract men that’ll take advantage of that. They read the signs that you’re emotionally vulnerable and don't think much of yourself, and see you as an easy target for a quick fling on the one hand - or on the extreme end of things, an abusive relationship.

The flipside to that is that you’re far more likely to attract men who feel good about themselves - and so don't need to take advantage of you to make themselves feel better - when you feel good about yourself. One survey of what men were looking for in a woman found the confidence was one of the top desirable personality traits apart from being a happy person.

 

Top confidence tips - * A great starting point is to affirm to yourself every day your three best personal qualities. Write them on Post-it notes that you stick in convenient places you're likely to see them - the bathroom cabinet or desk drawer. * Choose something that you’re good at and develop that into a hobby. Research shows that women who pursue active interests, that they feel good about, have higher self-confidence. * When that "little devil on your shoulder" starts running you down, change your inner voice into a more positive and soothing one.

Shyness –

Being shy and keeping yourself to yourself obviously impairs your ability to develop relationships. Shyness usually develops in women who are overly critical of them selves. They also believe that everyone notices their faults. It becomes easier to withdrawal from even trying to meet people or venture into a relationship.

 

Top shyness tips - * Remind yourself that people are very busy in our modern world and are not focusing on you and your faults! * When you first meet a man, turn the spotlight on them, and ask them questions. * Focus on one thought at a time when first speaking to someone as shy people tend to let thousands of thoughts swirl around their mind and then become tongue-tied.

Insecure body image –

There’s enormous pressure for us to be physically perfect. Not only are we expected to look attractive but were expected to be as slim and toned as possible. The basic human figure was not designed for perfection! It was designed for physically challenging tasks back in the hunter-gatherer days and to reproduce. Body image research I was involved in found that the majority of women worry frequently about their physical attractiveness. These insecurities hold them back from living life to the full. Do you want to lie on your deathbed and be able to say that you had the most fun and interesting life possible or that you stopped enjoying yourself because you weighed a stone too much or your bottom was too big? Believe me to, men get very annoyed when a woman goes on about their imagined faults.

 

Top body image tips - * Men simply do not notice what we see as our lumps and bumps. Their visual system is not tuned in to such details - what they notice is the overall package, particularly the body-language signals. Stand confidently, smile as if you mean it, and remember you’re fabulous. * Emphasise the parts of you that you feel best about. There are so many fashion tricks to put to good use to enhance your best attributes and disguise we use the as your worst. * Stand in front of a mirror, preferably naked, and "soften" the way you look at yourself. Be gentle on yourself and affirm that you are wonderful the way you are.

Once bitten twice shy –
There's nothing less attractive than a bitter woman who drones on about their ex-boyfriend or husband that treated them badly. Such a woman who's been "bitten" badly and can’t let go of that of the past is far less likely to find love. Even at a sub conscious level many women who've been hurt give off the message that they are convinced the next man will be just as bad as the last, that all men or rats, and that no man can ever make them happy. Can you blame a potential date being put off by those messages?

 

Top tips if you've been hurt - * Don't bring up your ex when you meet a new-man. Save that conversation for a time when they know all about your wonderful qualities. * Remind yourself that you wouldn't want to be "tarred and feathered" with the same brush as a woman who had hurt a man. You want to be seen as an individual and so too do the new men you meet. * If you’ve been hurt then take things slowly. You're less likely to be hurt if you don't plunge into a new relationship.

The Princess Syndrome –
So your love life has been like a dessert - a bit barren and dry. Then a new man arrives on the scene - how exciting! There's huge temptation to keep your mobile on at all times - even the middle of the night - and never, ever to miss his calls. I call this the Princess Syndrome where you keep your life on hold waiting around in your Gilded Tower for him to ask you out. The last thing you should do is stop your life for a new man. If anything, you’re far more interesting if you're a busy and fun woman rather than one who picks up the phone after the first ring!

 

Top Princess tips - * Don't cancel plans with, e.g., your girlfriends if he asks you out spontaneously. Instead suggest the next evening that you’re free. * It sounds like playing a game but don't pick up after the first ring - he can wait for two or three rings before he hears your wonderful voice! * Ditto - if you miss his call you don't have to return it within seconds. He can wait an hour two and won't think you always hanging by the phone waiting for him. That can get a bit boring!

Putting it on a platter -
You think you're an independent and liberated woman - and you should be! You think you can handle sex on your terms - and that's fine if you can. But many women tell me that what they were really looking for was romance and a relationship not just sex. Put it on a platter and most men will take it - even the good ones. unfortunately we live in the real world and you need to face facts that if you want more than sex a lot of men want to be the chance of relationship if you give it to them too quickly. I'm sorry, it sounds Neanderthal of them, but it's true as survey after survey shows men hold on to this old fashion attitude about women and sex.

Top tips about sex – * Don't use sex to get love. Be clear about what you want when you meet someone new. * Don't be pressured into sex before you're ready. It won't be as sensational as you deserve and why should you rush anything you don't want to? * When you're ready always practise safer sex. * A rule-of-thumb for knowing that you’re ready for sex on your terms is when you can actually talk about important issues with the new man in your life. If you can’t talk to him why would you want to share your body with him?

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php  Don't lock-up your heart...

Stanley 81200 3-Digit Heart-Shaped Padlock - Red


Help with panic attacks...

I've had a number of people get in touch about panic attacks, fears and phobias. Here's an article I wrote a few years ago for panic attacks - I hope it helps, Pam x

Here’s Help for You to Face Your Fears And Banish Panic Attacks

A recent National Geographic survey found that although we don't live in a country populated by deadly creepy-crawlies, 20% of us fear spiders, 19.7% fear snakes, and many fear other creatures like crocodiles unlikely to crawl across our paths.

Why fear such creatures when they're not a threat? Evolutionary psychology suggests these fears evolved to protect our ancient ancestors and are buried deep in our psyche. Once rational fears established a "fight or flight" response in ancient people where they'd either face-and-fight that sabre-toothed tiger, or flee if there was an escape route.

We may not have to fend off wild creatures but fearful responses are increasing to aspects of modern life, too, like using technology or giving a work presentation. These fear responses range from classic phobias (eg, acrophobia - fear of heights) and generalised anxiety, to panic attacks - probably the most disturbing fear-based experience of all. Many are irrational but others are a response to increasing demands on our time.

It's estimated around 18% of the UK population experience one or more of these fear responses. These are no laughing matter when you consider the story of Brenda Sharpe, 67, who recently died when she crashed her car having spotted a spider dangling above her. I increasingly see such panic and panic attacks in otherwise able people. Make no mistake, our modern life is conducive to overwhelming people, leaving them stressed, fearful and panicked.

Our "Flight Or Fight" Response Fails In Modern Life

Why wouldn’t our flight-or-fight response continue to protect us in modern life? Because many feel trapped by the way they live. They have nowhere to "flee", e.g., there’s no escaping mobiles, e-mail and Blackberries. People feel obliged to keep them on 24/7. We’re also not supposed to "fight". Pistols drawn at dawn with your over-demanding manager? It wouldn't happen! This leaves many feeling helpless. That's when fears, that were once faced or fled from, override their ability to cope and they panic.

 

Many self-reliant types attempt to stifle fears (e.g., deadlines, work-overload, etc.). But unless they change aspects of their live styles causing them anxiety, these fears burst forth in the shape of panic attacks with the right trigger. 

 

What Finally Triggers A Panic Attack?

When you've been stifling worries and stress there are a number of triggers for panic attacks. Common triggers include: feeling under-prepared for a business presentation, being short of time, having to rush between meetings, feeling behind at work, and taking on too many responsibilities. Negative lifestyle choices like too much caffeine, eating processed foods high in salt and/or sugar, and excess alcohol intake are also triggers. Others include, e.g., arguing with a colleague, friend or loved one, bereavement, relationship breakdown, not having time off, and having to juggle too many things like the demands of career and children that are often incompatible.

 

Signs And Symptoms Of A Panic Attack –

Symptoms vary widely between people and from one attack to another. Symptoms include a clamping or tightening sensation across the chest, shortness of breath, a fluttering sensation and/or palpitations of the heart, feeling dizzy, having sweaty palms, dry mouth, shaking, general anxiety, fearfulness and finding it hard to think clearly. In an extreme panic attack you may experience a feeling of being detached from reality or disorientation.

 

You might anticipate a panic attack as you identify the symptoms building. But what's daunting about many attacks is they suddenly strike as if from "nowhere". Because certain symptoms of panic attack may also indicate other issues like heartburn or more seriously, heart problems, you should see your GP about any that worry you.

 

Five Point Panic Plan -

Unfortunately as the symptoms build with an attack so too your panic grows. This induces a vicious cycle bringing on a more intense attack. Try these five points if finding yourself in the middle of an attack.

1/ Remove your self from any crowded conditions.

2/ Sit down if at all possible and steady your self.

3/ Regain control of your breathing by inhaling slowly to the count of five and exhaling slowly to the count of five.

4/ Sip water slowly (carry a water bottle with you).

5/ Distract yourself, e.g., phone a friend or think about something unrelated to your day like a calming holiday memory.

 

Over the long term lifestyle changes are necessary to prevent attacks. It's no good simply "dealing with" an attack when it occurs. Yes, a few are lucky and only ever have one attack. Once they start, if you don't make relevant changes to overcome them, they tend to continue. It's important to re-evaluate the following areas of your life.

 * General time management - are you always time-short? Start saying No to extra responsibilities and worry less about getting further ahead at work, instead enjoy a better quality of life.

 * Work and family - discuss with your manager how to streamline work and be more efficient. At home delegate chores and let any perfectionist tendencies go. Face conflict head on calmly. Resist sweeping things under the carpet.

 * Your relationships - are they unhappy or relegated to second place? Time to nurture them, as that’s a protective factor against future attacks.

 * Overall health - if you're eating on the run, drinking to relieve stress, smoking and not exercising, such things exacerbate attacks.

 * Leisure time - just as loving relationships improve your ability to prevent attacks so too does giving yourself time to enjoy a book, a walk, a film, etc.

 * Relaxation and breathing techniques - as attacks involve many physical symptoms it's important to learn to relax major muscle groups and breathe in a controlled fashion. Practise daily sitting still, warm and comfortably. In turn, tense and then relax every major muscle group. Meditate on your breathing making it measured and relaxed.

 

Ultimately you can get help and help yourself – you don’t have to live a life of fear and panic.

 

Useful contacts:

No Panic Organisation Telephone - 0808-808-0545; Website www.nopanic.org.uk

National Phobics Society - 0870-122-2325; Website www.phobics-society.org.uk


The Emotional Eater's Diet

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