Dr Pam Spurr

New painting: Paradise No. 4

Paradise No. 4 is acrylics on fine art, 300 gm paper. Photographed here unframed with framing options available. 

Following on from my original Paradise painting - after a couple commissions from it with slight variations of colours - I've painted this one for general sale.

To purchase including a basic white or black wood frame, please email pamspurrart@gmail.com. £750 plus P&P. For international sales its $900 plus P&P and any international sales tax.

Here is the full sized painting - 50 x 70 cm unframed - followed by some close-up shots...

Singles: Is The Sex Better Than Their Personality...

The Sex Is Better Than Their Personality My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

If you’re a regular on the Wingman site (app?), you’ll know that occasionally I like to do a Q and A. This interesting dilemma came into my website. And as it’s a slightly different perspective than the usual “dating and sex” issue, I thought I would answer it here.

QUESTION:

I was single for quite some time, enjoying doing what I wanted to. If I found someone attractive, I was happy to get into bed with them because I have my needs like any woman has.

I met this man a couple months ago and after messaging we finally met. On our second meet up, we had mind blowing sex. He really knew how to satisfy me.

However, his personality doesn’t do it for me. Our interests are very different and I work hard during the week and like to play hard at the weekend. He is much more laid back at the weekend and I find it a bit boring on the couple of occasions that I’ve hung out with him.

Because I really love sex with him I’d quite like to just have an occasional hookup with him. I don’t think he sees it that way. I think he is much more of a serious person and is probably looking for someone to settle down with.

I certainly can’t see him becoming my partner and I don’t want to lead him on. I’m not blowing my own horn but I’m highly successful in my field and I’m really looking for someone who matches my drive and determination. But that great sex means I’ve continued to occasionally meet up with him.

Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t pledged undying love to me but I have a feeling that he is much more into me then I am into him.

How do you think I could explore this with him, letting him know that I don’t want a relationship and that I want to continue dating other people but I don’t want to lose the great sex?

Thank you, Jayne.

ANSWER:

Jayne, what you’re describing is actually what many women think that many men - no-strings, fun-sex dating. But obviously you know differently because your living proof that’s what you want with him right now. And you realise that he may be a bit put out if you hinted that you’re thinking along these lines. These sexual stereotypical roles can be a burden to women (and men) who don’t feel the way society generally expects them to feel.

There are essentially two things you can try. You can either subtly try losing some of the "relationship" stuff. For example, make fewer phone calls to him, respond less to his messages, and see him less frequently.

When you see him, you can drag him into the bedroom for a fun session. And then continue to keep it really chilled out with him when you’re not seeing him.

Or you can take the genuine approach - the one that I think you would learn from - as we all need to learn about communicating over difficult things. And that means in a carefully chosen moment, you share with him that you don’t see a relationship on the horizon but that you really have good fun in bed with him.

You may be surprised and he’s actually happy with that. Or, with a little time, he comes around to your way of thinking too. Of course, he may not want to see you again if he’s looking for a real relationship.

If you decide to try the second suggestion, you’ll definitely learn more about quality communication. And that’s good for any part of your life.

Good luck and happy dating x 

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

Hopefully you can end up happy all 'round...

Why I fear for young children with gender ideology in schools...

Here is my article for Spiked online about my concerns.  

We need to ensure our children learn biological facts and not fantasy!

The birds and the bees NOT ridiculous gender nonsense...

Singles: Don’t let impostor syndrome affect your dating!

 My new column for Wingman Dating App...

If you haven’t heard of impostor syndrome (IS) then let me give you a brief definition: it’s the persistent and irrational belief that you have achieved certain things without deserving them. That you have success - and those around you see you as successful - but inside you feel a fraud, an impostor.

I’ve come across this in some singles I’ve coached and it’s important to challenge such thinking. Because ultimately people with IS experience a lot of anxiety and doubt. And that can scupper getting out there dating, with a positive attitude, as a single.

Frequently, I’ve discussed how confidence is what attracts so many people. And also how easy it is for us to read body language and decide whether or not someone has at least some confidence - or is anxious - and not feeling great inside.

IS isn’t limited to us mere mortals, as I’ve worked with some high-powered people who feel this way. Skilled showmen and entertainers often describe this powerful foreboding that they’ll fail because inside they feel like an impostor.

If you look back at someone’s personal history, those with IS, frequently grew up in families who stressed success and achievement to an excessive level. This can establish a fear of failure in someone, so nothing ever feels ‘good enough’ that you do. Maybe that will resonate with you if you suffer from IS.

A few tips to cope:

*To get out there as a single and put your best self forward, first learn to challenge such feelings of being an impostor with facts. Remind yourself of your most recent successes. Embrace the fact you did these things well. Tell yourself that these were genuine ‘wins’.

*Tell yourself that your so-called failures are good learning experiences. Remind yourself that the other singles you meet will also have had ‘failures’ or made mistakes in life. This makes them human, just like you!

*As people with IS experience a lot of anxiety learn to practice some sort of daily relaxation. Whatever works for you is great – from trying meditation to taking a walk and be mindful of your surroundings, etc.

*Put into context why you’ve ended up with IS. For instance, if the family dynamic I mentioned resonates with you, you can decide not to live by that ethos. The ethos that you must always be your best.

*Check yourself as you head onto a date that you don’t expect yourself to be a hundred percent sparkling and brilliant. Tell yourself it’s okay if there are quiet moments and that you don’t have to fill every pause.

*Don’t beat yourself up if a date doesn’t go well. If you both like each other you can laugh about it. If one of you (or both) isn’t interested then chalk it up to experience.

You will know you’re getting on top of your IS tendencies when you start being a little bit gentler on yourself.

Good luck and happy dating x 

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

Singles: Is that new person too controlling?

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

We all think we can identify a controlling person but sometimes they start controlling you by stealth. If you’ve been single a while, and you’ve met someone new, it’s easy to overlook how this might happen.

Most of us expect the best from the new person we are seeing. Sadly, we have to deal with the real world - where every single person you meet is not necessarily a nice person! And not the ideal world - where every single you meet is going to treat you well.

Here are some signs they may be controlling you by stealth:

*They act like they have high standards and expect you to also have high standards. So, they might suggest that you dress up more for the venue they have chosen for your date. Trust me, this goes both ways - with both sexes - because some women can be too controlling too.

*They make, not quite rude, remarks about some of your choices but slightly “if-y” remarks. These ‘if-y’ remarks that make you question your choices.

*They’ve met a few of your friends. But now they don’t seem to like one of your friends. They’ve singled that person out for something resembling ridicule. This can be the first act of a controlling person to start separating you from your friends.

*You say you really want to see something, or go somewhere in particular, but they always manage to get you to go where they want to go.

*You to make plans for something. Then something goes a bit awry with your plans and they do not take it very well. Increasingly you notice that things have to be just right and just the way they’ve planned them.

*If you challenge them about these sorts of things, they’ll tell you that they are simply a bit on the “choosy” side. They make it sound like they only have yours and their interests at heart.

If you notice these and other similar types of behaviour make sure you set your boundaries quickly. For instance, they have had their way with everywhere you’ve gone recently. Make it clear that this time you’re going to choose where you to go.

If by setting your boundaries, and making such points, they don’t seem to change then it may be time to leave them behind.

Good luck and happy dating x 

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

Don't let them start controlling you...

New painting: Fragility No. 6

After finishing a couple of commissions, I finally had time to generate one of my own paintings. And I thought I would continue the "fragility" series that I've some commissions from.

Fragility No. 6 is 50 x 70 cm unframed, acrylic paints on fine art paper.

These paintings have been based on the fragility of our well-being. The original one was inspired by one client talking about their emotional fragility being like little droplets spread across a colourful "underlay of life".

To purchase it's £750 plus P&P or $900 for international sales plus P&P and any international taxes. A basic white or black frame is included in this price but framing options are available. Please email pamspurrart@gmail.com

The whole painting photographed here followed by close-up photos...

Calling all singles: Avoid the "unworthy complex" for better dating...

Here's my latest column for Wingman Dating App...

Human beings are literal body language experts as well as being “vibe” experts. We can usually read someone’s intentions through their body language and the general vibe they give off at 20 paces.

This leaves us open to having our own body language read. And having people make assumptions about us from our general vibe.

This is important in everyday circumstances but especially so when you’re single and looking to date, find love, or even just find fun.

Trust me, dating research shows that people are attracted to confidence in other singles. There is a vast difference between recognising that someone is confident – and can negotiate social situations fairly easily – and those who are arrogant. Arrogance is a totally different thing.

When heading to meet up with the person you’ve been chatting on a dating app, or through some other means, it’s important to enter the situation without the unworthy complex!

The unworthy complex involves giving off various body language and vibe messages that you believe you’re unworthy of that person’s attention,

Think about it, I’m sure you’ve spotted someone who feels this way in the past. It signifies low self-esteem - their body language, expression, the way they dress, etc., all shouts that they don’t believe in themselves.

Their body language is closed down, with bad posture, they may be fiddling with their clothing or their hair, they avoid good eye contact, they seem to shrink down within themselves, etc.

Knowing that you’ve witnessed this kind of body language and vibe in the past can inform the way you carry yourself. So that you avoid coming across in this way.

Unfortunately, the research suggests that some not very nice people will take advantage of someone who seems to feel unworthy. Women can do this but I’ve certainly heard many more stories of men taking advantage of someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves.

Alternatively, it puts people off because they just don’t find that vibe very attractive. Neither of those two outcomes are positive ones!

We can avoid the ‘unworthy complex’ –

It’s important to give yourself time if you’ve not been feeling good about yourself. Don’t rush trying to do lots of dating at this stage.

Build more of what you’re good at into your daily schedule. Whatever it is, do more of it.

Keep connected with people that you feel good around. Sharing time with people who lift you up will help you out of any feelings of unworthiness to find love.

Remind yourself frequently that you do have lots to offer and there will be some good people out there for you to date.

Even little things like give yourself extra time, if getting ready to meet someone, can keep the nerves in check.

Be open with friends that you aren’t feeling that great about yourself right now and they will undoubtedly start lifting you up. They’ll remind you why they love you as a friend. Friends and family are a big part of the foundation of becoming emotionally stronger, after all.

Good luck and happy dating x 

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

My views on parents who post videos about their children transitioning in Spiked...

Here is the link to my comment piece. 

Singles: Here's a question I get asked too often...

Advice My latest column for Wingman Dating App... 

Occasionally in my Wingman column I like to answer questions that I get to my website. I get so many questions about dating, and relationships in general, to my site.

Here’s one that I get too frequently, where someone has been in a long relationship and then wants to get back out dating and worry about their body…

Q: Dear Dr Pam,
I was widowed three years ago. Tragically my husband died of a heart attack aged only 40. I really want to meet another man but the problem is I'm afraid to take my clothes off in front of someone new.

Although I'm only 37 my body is not what it once was. I'm worried I'll put a new partner off.

How can I face going to bed with someone new after so long on my own?

A: I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope you have support!

Your worries are only natural. But from the sounds of it you mustn't dive into bed with a new man. Especially while you have such doubts and your body image is low.

It's important to build trust and to get to know someone when you've been in a committed relationship as you were. You’ve been through so much and it’s obviously knocked your confidence, no one would be surprised by that.

May I remind you that no one has a perfect body. We all have lumps and bumps and wrinkles and crinkles where we wish they weren’t!

So first off, I wish you wouldn’t buy into that horrid myth that our bodies need to be perfect and “room-ready”.

And guess what? Undoubtedly a new man will probably worry over the same things.

Each day I want you remind yourself of your three best qualities. Things like your good sense of humour, you go getting attitude at work, your kindness, etc.

Focus on these every day to keep your mind centred on what’s important – your great qualities!

When self-critical thoughts and your head, challenge them - tell yourself that you not put yourself down and you are a good.

Take things slowly when you meet someone use you can build your confidence with them. And also listen to your intuition –  if they seem unreliable or a bit ‘off,’ you don’t need someone like that in your life.

Once you do like someone enough to get consider having sex with them, try creating a sensual atmosphere with dim lighting and feelgood music. Focus on him and forget your body image worries. Believe me, no man worthy of you will be on the lookout for imperfections!

Good luck and happy dating x 

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

New painting: Paradise

Paradise is acrylics on fine art paper 50 x 70 cm unframed. Framing options are available.

Paradise is based on someone telling me that as they worked to improve their outlook on life, they hoped that life could one day be a "paradise".

To purchase please email pamspurrart@gmail.com, the price including a basic wood frame in black, white or natural, is £795 plus P & P. For international sales it's $895 plus any international taxes and P & P

Photo'ed here unframed follwoed by close up shots...