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Can you trust your new love who cheated on a previous partner?

Here's my latest column for Wingman dating App...

Here’s the scenario: a man or woman meets someone new, starts dating them and then hears that this new person cheated in a past relationship. They panic and wonder if they should trust this new person because of their past.

They ask me: Once a cheat always a cheat? My answer is not necessarily and it really depends on the circumstances of when they cheated.

You may be torn in two, you really want to date them but worry they’ll cheat on you. If you don’t want to be gripped by paranoia about this new person, leading to sleepless nights consider the following points and how they relate to them.

Here are the points to consider about trusting a ‘former’ love cheat:

*Do think about the circumstances of when they confessed what they did in the past. Did they confess this to you because you had heard it somewhere and you asked them about it? Or did they confess because they simply wanted to be honest about what happened on that past relationship.

*Do ask them for total honesty about the details of what happened. Then note how they respond. Are they more than happy to go into details? Or do you feel they’re holding back and it worries you why they might.

*Does the story they give you as to why they cheated ring true? Not that I ever condone cheating but was the relationship coming to a natural end, and they also felt extremely neglected due to growing apart? Not a good excuse, they should have ended it before they cheated but it is a sign that only in extraordinary circumstances that they cheat.

*Is this new person an attention seeker? Do they demand lots of attention? This might spell trouble for a cheat who feels neglected – in the future – with you. Be honest with yourself and with them if this played a part in their cheating in the past.

*Do they seem to be a natural born flirt? Lots of people flirt but it’s very harmless and would never cross a line. However, if their flirting with anyone from serving staff to a person behind a shop-counter this might spell trouble. A natural born flirt - who does it constantly – might respond to someone in future who enjoys their flirting.

*Don’t ignore if insecurity’s a problem for them. Some cheats are repeat offenders because they feel deeply insecure about their worth. If a third party makes them feel fantastic and valued, they find that irresistible.

*Also beware if they are a risk taker. Do they like to, for example, gamble or take other risks? Some love cheats love the buzz of risks. And they’ll take risks with their relationships - like seeing if they can sneak around behind your back.

*Be cautious if certain things off limits with them. Do they have a regular evening with ‘mates’? And no way you’re allowed? When they go out do they turn their mobile off and you never hear from them? This reveals a secretive streak and such evenings give them perfect cover if they meet someone else.

*Do take note if they have a general problem with honesty. For instance, do they find it easy, for instance, lying to their boss like about meeting deadlines? Do they happily lie to friends/family about various things? In that case you can bet they might be happy to lie to you.

If these points flag-up warnings, keep a watchful eye on how your dating progresses. Make sure you set boundaries, expect them to ‘walk the walk’ and not just talk a good talk! And don’t take any nonsense.

Hopefully that will lead to happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

  

 


I hope you make it a date on Thursday at 2 PM (UK time) to join me for my show!

I hope you make it a date on Thursday at 2 PM (UK time) to join me for my show that’s live on The Men's Radio Station's social platforms and then repeated on both The Men's Radio Station and The Women's Radio Stations at 4 PM Friday (UK time).

I have FANTASTIC guests this week - in order of appearance: the wonderful Jay james who’ll be discussing his news and what The Overtones are up to as well as what’s trending and how it matters to our lives. Up next is the ace AJ (Andy) West who’ll talk about his upcoming historical novel and what it’s like to be pigeonholed as a broadcaster and moving into writing as well as other issues and news!

Followed by the fabulous Anthea Turner who’ll chat about tips to get over breakups with so many happening due to added pressures with Covid - she wrote a fab book about surviving divorce! Plus all her news and she’s always up to so much! What a line up of guests ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

We’ll get up close and personal on all sorts of topics that count, hope to see you and you can comment on the live recording via T men's Radio Station when we're live Thursday at 2 PM - get involved so I can read some of your messages and thoughts on our topics!

Love, Pam x


Quick Tips to Pick Yourself Up When Love Hurts!

Here's my latest column for Wingman Dating App...

I’ve definitely had more contacts to my website from people who had high hopes for a fledging relationship (usually meeting online, due to lockdown) that fell apart as quickly as it started. There are so many hurt feelings out there!

I put it down to the fact that although singles want to meet someone during this difficult year of Covid, many find there are all sorts of stresses and strains affecting them. These stresses mean that they finish new relationships before they’ve barely even got started. Not necessarily because they decided they didn’t really like that new person - you. It’s more about having to deal with all the changes this year has brought to their own life.

If you get practical, you can move forward and keep looking for that someone special.

Top tips to pick up yourself up with when dating has gone wrong –

  • Begin by reminding yourself why your friends and family find you lovable. Think about how much you offer to your friends and loved ones. And that you’ll find someone worthy of your love one day soon.
  • Every day do something new to prove you can do what you set your mind to. Keep it simple like setting a goal to learn a new skill or to discover online new cafés or pubs to try after lockdown. Doing things like this boosts your general confidence which is key to getting over hurt feelings.
  • Focus on the fact that how you’ve been treated in the past doesn’t reflect on your dating future. If this new person, who has now let you down, was full of promises, it reflects more on them! Remind yourself you can make better choices starting from today.
  • Stop that negative voice in your head. Each time you have a negative thought, e.g., "no one's attracted to me," substitute it with a positive one, for example, "there are lots of reasons why someone would be lucky to have me!"
  • Find your lucky mascot - one client of mine once remarked how Kate Winslet had become her imaginary lucky mascot. She admired the way Kate got through her divorce with dignity and went on to find new love. Store a photo of your mascot in your mobile and each time you look at it, remind yourself you can be that way too.
  • Learn to love your inner self by nurturing your inner child. Yes, I know that sounds all touchy-feely and ‘new age’ but it’s true. Choose a favourite photograph from when you were a child, study it, and tell yourself how much that child deserves happiness. Remind yourself of this when feeling anxious about being single in these daunting times.
  • Finally, when things fall apart quite quickly the other person often doesn’t give a reason. That can mean you feel like you don’t have emotional closure – even for a short relationship. Look at it this way instead: that person wasn’t good enough at communicating why they didn’t want to see you anymore. They were incapable of giving you closure. In other words they really aren’t worth your time!

 Game Over Wallpaper 43078 - Baltana

Happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 


Rekindle The Spark Early On Part 2...tips for your new relationship!

Here's my new column for Wingman Dating App...

Last week I covered some top tips for new couples – who’ve only recently started dating – on how to avoid the trouble that many long term couples experience. And that’s letting the spark die out.

Here’s Part 2 with more easy-to-use tips to keep things lively between you, whether you’re locked down together or apart during lockdown:

Break routine: It feels wonderful that you two have started establishing some sort of routine. It’s a real sign that you’re both really into each other. But never let go of the spontaneity. Show them the benefits of occasionally just doing something random - out and about - or back home, suggesting something new in the bedroom.

Keep the compliments flowing: Sure, you both complimented each other the first few dates, but a survey found these compliments quickly dry up. There’s nothing wrong and everything right about making them feel they’re super attractive, or tell them how much they make you laugh, or that they just make you feel comfortable and secure. And compliment the little things like when they help you out – fixing a shelf or picking up some shopping, whatever.

Vulnerability is seductive: Relationship research shows those who develop the deepest relationships are those who make themselves vulnerable. Because ironically when you show your vulnerabilities, you also show your strength. It takes personal strength to allow them into your heart. What’s crucial is knowing the difference between vulnerability and dependency. You can open your heart and bring them closer to you without being overly dependent on them.

Re-create your first date: It might’ve been two months - or longer – back since you started dating but plan to re-create that all-important first date. Do whatever you did that date and discuss how you felt when you first clapped eyes on each other. Go into lots of detail about what it was that hooked you – their smile, twinkling eyes, or chat-up lines. This simple tip can keep your loved-up vibe flowing between you.

Create a cuddle-zone: With the present situation you can’t have romantic restaurant dinners or dates like going to movies or gigs. But that doesn’t stop you creating a cosy candlelit dinner-picnic on your sitting room floor. Use blankets and cushions to help create a loved up evening. Plus a snuggly picnic makes it easy to get rude-with-food leading nicely into foreplay #bonus!

For the future of book something special together: Cementing your new relationship is all about the future too. Discuss things like where you’ve always wanted to go or maybe the holidays you cancelled during the first long lockdown. Our chat about a special event you’ve always wanted to participate in. Compare your wish-lists and get planning something special to do together and look forward to once we have more freedom back.

Happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php 

Flame - Wikipedia


Rekindle Things Early On! Part 1. My latest dating column...

Here's my latest dating column for Wingman Dating App...

If you've been dating for a few months you may be locking down together so it's definitely worth keeping things vibrant. You know the best way to keep your spark alive? Don’t let it fully extinguish as it frequently does, say, six months into dating. Things might be lively now if you’re just starting out but trust me it’s surprising how quickly people let things drift.

Here are six easy and practical tips to try from today:

Keep it flirty: You’d be surprised how people stop with the flirty messages quite early on. But sending and receiving them are so much fun. It’s also exciting to receive them, they build anticipation for more to come. As things progress and your sex life gets more experimental you can also turn up the heat in your messages…tell him you don’t have any panties on and you’re thinking of him. Or tell her you’ve just had a hot shower and you wished she had been in it with you.

Turn up the heat: Let’s face it if you’re for, five, six months into dating them, you have more trust between you. Now’s the perfect time for getting hot with phone sex when you’re apart. Give them loads of ‘dirty’ details about what they are missing, describing in detail how hot you feel lounging in your big comfy bed.

Keep it thoughtful: Send them little surprises – if you’ve already moved in together then send them to their workplace. Something as simple as a DVD you know they’ll like. Or a pair of sexy knickers you’ve just bought and haven’t worn yet with a note saying you can’t wait for them to see you in them. Or simply their favourite chocolate bar.

Make them feel they’re the only one when you’re together: You know how special it was on your first dates when neither of you looked at your mobiles, never took phone calls, etc. Make sure they feel they’re the only one whenever possible. Keep your love a distraction-free zone when together. Just as when you have all-important time with your best friend, you should do the same when with them.

Be aware of before-play: Before-play is the term I coined 15-20 years back. It’s for when couples get past the first few months of dating and need to keep their time together ready for the hot sex they once had. So, for instance, you’ve had a bad day at work or fallen out with a family member, don’t go on about it all evening. Ask them for feedback on what you should do, a ‘problem shared’ as we know is solved more quickly. But then refocus on you two and your lives. Before-play is all about the good vibe between you… and it makes foreplay (and more) possible.

Get mysterious: Take control of some of the romantic-action and plan a ‘mystery’ journey like a romantic stroll in a local place of beauty. Wrap up warm, take a flask and yummy snacks and surprise them by taking them to the place you've chosen.

Next week I’ll have more tips to rekindle things early. For now, happy dating, Pam x

Typical Flame Temperature for Different Fuels

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 


Please join me Thurs, October 29 & Friday 30th for my radio show....  

 

My new show on The Men’s Radio Station (here) and its sister station The Women’s Radio Station (here) can be caught live Thursday, October 29 at 2 PM if you go on to The Men’s Radio Stations YouTube, Facebook or Twitter channels.

 It’s then repeated Friday at 4 PM on both of the stations websites (website links above)

This week I have three fantastic guests – Lady Nadia Essex discussing all the important trends that matter to you and me as well as her number one rated podcast and having a baby during lockdown. Also Steve King joins me to talk about his role in the horror film The Living Dead – just in time for Halloween! Plus the psychologist Dr Christopher Dwyer whose written extensively about why humans love getting frightened will join me to discuss that fascinating topic.

There will be personal stories and advice too.  

During Thursday’s live show you can comment through The Men’s Radio Station’s social media channels as listed above. I hope to hear from you, love, Pam x


Do they have commitment issues? Part 2: Five more signs to watch for!

Here is the second part to my last Wingman Dating App column...

In my last column I outlined five signs to watch out for when you’re with someone new and you’re looking for commitment. Obviously, there’s a huge variety of signs that can signal someone doesn’t want a deep and meaningful relationship. That they’re happy just coasting along and they’re not looking for ‘the one’ even if they act like they’re pretty into you.

This is pretty crucial stuff as the average age of people marrying has gone up to the early-mid 30s as has the average age of people having their first child (if they want children). It means there’s less time to play with especially if you’re a woman of a certain age who wants to have children. No time wasters here, thank you!

Here are five more signs to watch out for:

There's something secretive about them - Non-committers often have an elusive quality about them. Frequently you can’t tell what they’re up to or doing with their spare time. They don’t give away a lot about this time apart from you.

Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on it but if your intuition springs to life giving you messages like, "what do they do with their time?" you can tick this box.

They’re undeniably good in bed - Non-committers use their great sexual chemistry as part of their ‘self-protection’ policy. It keeps a new partner hooked believing that the sexual passion equals passionate love.

 

But on closer examination the emotional chemistry is definitely lacking. Don't let the good sex fool you into thinking that this is the real thing.

 

Their actions speak louder than words - A non-committer is skilled at saying the right things but doesn't necessarily do them. You'll find over time that they’re good at saying what you want to hear but nothing happens and promises fail to materialise.

 

A common example is that they “talk the talk" about moving in together. They’ll even talk about the detail of the sort of location or place that’d work best but it never goes further. There’s no movement behind their words.

 

Their very best friend is of the opposite sex - In my last column I mentioned how they’re really good with the opposite sex (we’re talking straight relationships here) but you might also find that he or she has the most enduring and best friendship with a member of the opposite sex too.

 

Ultimately this can be confusing to you: how can they have such a great friendship with him/her but don’t seem to deepen things with me?

 

Having ‘the conversation’ is difficult with them - Because a non-committer can be a lot of fun, they can be good in bed, they get on with the opposite sex, etc., you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d be good at having big conversations – like where your relationship’s going.

However, when you try to have a serious conversation with someone who has commitment issues, you often find that you’re the only one going deep in it. You’re the one who confesses the seriousness of your feelings, your hopes and your dreams. You’ll notice you don’t get that back from them. It can feel a bit like banging your head against a brick wall with these attempts at having deep conversations.

It’s up to you if you stick with it after noticing these signs in this new person. I wouldn’t give it too long though if time is a bit short for you and you really are looking for full commitment.

Are You Dating Someone With Commitment Issues?

Happy dating, Pam x

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php

 


Missed my new radio show? Here's the link...

I'd be so happy if you check it out as my amazing guests and I covered many topics offering personal stories and advice - topics included affairs, body shaming, embarrassing family members, lazy work colleagues and living with a narcissist! Here's the link! Happy weekend, Pam x


The Emotional Eater's Diet

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