Dr Pam Spurr

Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love!

Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love!

Avoid the clangers that’ll stop a budding romance in its tracks

It's easy in the first flush of love to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. When you're bowled over by someone new, and things are intense and passionate, you forget to put the brakes on no-go topic-zones.

Take my friend Anne-Marie, 41, who wondered why her potential Mr Right didn't ring her after their third date. The first two had gone swimmingly. "What did you talk about on that last date?" I asked. It turned out she'd mentioned she'd always wanted children but hadn't yet.

Her intentions were innocent and she was speaking honestly from the heart. But it didn't take her potential Mr Right to leap to the conclusion her biological clock was ticking loudly. A scary prospect even if you do like someone on the first couple dates.

Here are nine no-go areas you should never discuss or say to a new love:

Don't Mention The Ex

Of course you both have romantic histories, particularly if you've already been married and are now looking for the next big relationship. But you should never discuss your Ex in the first couple dates. At some point you’ll both definitely need to reveal how your Ex fits into your life, say, if you had children together. You also might want to share heartbreaking experiences. But speak of your Ex too soon and you sound hung up on them. If that new Love asks you about your Ex keep things to a minimum at first. Steer clear of the ‘big issues’ like you're chasing him for child support.

Don't "Apologise" For Your Size/Shape

Yes, you're trying to impress that new love. And it's very tempting to say things like, "I'm usually a size smaller; I've been overworked recently and haven’t been able to get to the gym." First off, you don't owe your new love any such apology. Secondly, you might draw attention to something they hadn't noticed. That’ll defeat the purpose of what you were saying! And finally, you don't come across as a confident, long-term bet if you’re already focusing on what you see as your weaknesses.

 Babies, Marriage and Love Ever After

You both might come across as two love struck teenagers but you don't want to scare off your new Love with your big plans. Yes, you may well want babies, marriage and love-ever-after but don't do an "Anne-Marie" and drop these things into the conversation too soon. Obviously you don't want to leave these things for months because you waste precious time. Just don't rush it and scupper your chances of these big plans coming true with him.

Money, Money, Money

Rich and loaded, or poor and in debt, to discuss money in the early days is simply in bad taste. Not only is it in bad taste, but discussing money issues can send some potential lovers running for the hills. If you appear to be wealthy and/or place importance on wealth, they may feel they aren't your equal. Or that you place too much emphasis on wealth. Likewise, if money runs through your fingers like water, they might be a bit panicked that you need financial help.

Health Issues

You might have a long-term health issue and you certainly shouldn't be judged for that! It's important that any long-term love understands that issue and is supportive. However if you launch into graphic detail about your illness on the first couple dates it can backfire. They might they feel anxious about it and as if they wouldn't be much help over the long run. And then they back out too soon.

Intimate Revelations

Let's say you and your new love work for the same company, go to the same gym, or socialise in the same larger social group. If on the first couple dates you're happy to divulge all sorts of revelations about others you two know, they may get panicked you’ll divulge things about them. Show your discretion, and that you're a trustworthy sort of person, by not getting dragged into the lower forms of gossip.

Resist Exaggeration

When you find yourself head over heels it's quite natural to want to impress someone. Yes, definitely put your best foot forward. But don't exaggerate things you've done or how busy your social life is, etc. If they stick around (as you hope they will) they’re bound to find out you're a storyteller.

Don't Be Nosy

You’re really taken with them and dying to know loads about their personal life. You want to ask this, that and everything. Questions keep the conversation alive but know when to stop so they don't feel you're giving them the third degree. It smacks of desperation when you desperately want to know all about the intimate details of their life.

The Numbers Game

And finally don't mention how many previous lovers you've had. Not only is it none of your new Love's business but people often have strong attitudes about such things. These are often held strongly and are applied strictly when they first meet someone. But a little down the relationship road, when they've seen all your wonderful qualities, these things stop mattering. It's up to you if down the line you discuss such things.

Published in the Express Newspaper