Couples: Be careful what you bicker about

Be careful what you bicker about

 

Recent divorce statistics show that couples married for more than 30 years are now twice as likely to break-up as only ten years ago. Around age 40 men are as likely to divorce as men in their early twenties and older women are far more likely to divorce compared to 25 years ago. If you’re part of a longstanding, cosy-couple it’s time to pay attention.

 

Some experts speculate that older women in particular are increasingly happy to go it alone. I see the true sadness behind such decisions. It's tough doing so and many women tell me they wish they'd seen the signs before their relationship crumbled.

 

These surprising and sad figures beg the question of when a couple’s put years of effort into a marriage what sorts of signs were missed? Frequently it all comes down to bickering. For one couple it was the butter-versus-Benecol debate, he wanted lashings of the old-fashioned stuff and she’d gone on a health kick. The constant bickering led to their break-up.

 

I recently met Deborah, 51, who left her husband of 25 years fed up with his preoccupation with gardening. At least that's what she initially claimed. They had successful careers and she thought they were both vigorous people. However she longed to travel and he was content to spend weekends on “his” garden. Deborah concluded that she was the only vigorous one, no longer wanting to squander weekends while he pottered with his plants.

 

It transpired they'd constantly bickered over their spare time but never resolved it. From Deborah's perspective he didn’t take her wishes seriously and ultimately that threatened their relationship. Being taken for granted rather than gardening per se undermined her self-worth. Bickering had been allowed to disguise this deeper issue.

 

Theirs is a classic case of what some might consider a "sweet little bit of bickering" in longstanding couples. You can imagine their friends’ comments, "The gardening? They bicker so much about it but really they love each other."  In this context bickering is more dangerous than having arguments. At least in a proper argument partners see how angry the other is and hopefully deal with the issue. However such bickering is an insidious way of communicating. It’s a slow drip, drip, drip like water torture. Unchecked it can erode the most solid stone.

 

Making our lives greener is the one issue my husband and I have bickered about recently. We’re both going the whole hog inside our home continually making "green" changes. But we squabble over him driving his large company car to work.

 

He's now agreed to leave it at home once a week and take public transport meaning our bickering is close to being resolved. I say “close” as I cunningly plan to get him to leave it twice a week. Yes, I recognise there are days where he needs a car to get to far-flung meetings and or take clients to events. But on the other days there’s no excuse.

 

You might think a green issue is quite extraordinary for a couple to bicker about. Again, it's not really what the issue is but what you do about it. Becoming aware that you're circling around something like a bird of prey may push you towards resolving it. For our part we understand that our bickering is simply about bridging a gap between our green beliefs and our actions. We will get there. Otherwise, thankfully when a disagreement arises we sort it out rather than bicker over it like a dead carcass.

 

"Green" bickering aside couples bicker over some quite frankly bizarre things. From the way one husband sneezes loudly and his wife bickers about him stifling these, to the couple who bickers over how to groom the family cat - he uses a fine comb, she says the brush is best! Or the couple that bickers over the barbecue and how to perfectly sear the steaks, to the ones bickering over how best to clean the windows – glass cleaner or scrunched-up newspapers.

 

Whether your bickering revolves around mundane issues like gardening, pet grooming, sneezing or searing steaks, explore where it's leading. The £64,000 question is: does it symbolise something deeper, darker, and more disturbing? Here's a few suggestions to help you sort out bickering that’s blighting your relationship.

 

Bickering is frequently about a bigger issue that one or both partners find difficult to talk about honestly. Break the cycle when you’re not actually bickering. Over a relaxing glass of wine bring up the issue in a light-hearted way. Pre-prepare a couple solutions or compromises. Ask your partner for their opinion and show a real willingness to listen.

 

If it's something that you simply don't agree about, e.g., the best way to groom your pet, do a little soul-searching, is it more important to be right or happy? Be generous of spirit and tell them you’re happy to do things their way. Sometimes budging on one issue means that on the next issue you'll get your way.

 

Always keep the language you use straightforward and avoid beating around the bush. Because essentially that's what harmful bickering is - beating around the bush of the real issue. Take turns speaking and don't interrupt when your partner speaks. Showing such mutual respect can prevent future bickering.

 

Refuse to be part of the bickering cycle. If your partner continues you can simply change the subject rather than get dragged into what by now must seem a boring old routine. Finally, ignore bickering at your peril or you may be bartering over a divorce settlement. Now, where's my husband gone in that gas-guzzling car?

 

Published in The Express Newspaper

 


Did you find this article interesting?

Enter your details below to join the monthly mailing list.

Archive


Does your partner really know you? Check this out! How to get over that first awkward relationship bump... Going through a break up? Tips for an online clean up... Getting Together Again? Affair-Proof Your Relationship The Ultimate Christmas Relationship Survival Guide... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves... Getting Together Again... Excuses at the Ready ... How to Re-light Your Fire - And Make the Second Time around a Success! Two People, But One-sided... Some thoughts on people with love Plan-Bs Passion Fatigue... How to Walk Away from an Unhappy Relationship... Subconscious Sabotage... Whatever Makes You Happy... Money does matter... Body Image Nightmare... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves – Age-gap anxiety... Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating... Marriage SOS... Dating Again after a Breakup... Laughed straight between the sheets.... Too Good to be True... Beware the Mention of the Exes... Murder on the Dance Floor.... Lusting after Another Love... The Rise of the Plan B Pact... How Romance Can Be like Extracting Teeth... Credit Crunch Couples... Christmas time advice for struggling couples... Third-Party Interference... Opposites That Don't Attract... The Female Self-Destruct Button The Convenience of Compartments... Unlikely Apologies... Masculine Confidences The Chill Look of Contempt... He/She Isn't the Person That I Settled Down With.... Dating at a Distance... The Imperfect Perfectionists... Why He Doesn't Ring When He Says He Will... The Curse Of The Competitive Couples... It Seemed So Right, Now It’s So Wrong.... I married my mother... Never Under-estimate a GSOH... Don't Get Too Comfortable... Why Not Indulge Him? Bickering Versus A Good Old Barney.... Pre-Wedding Jitters? Join the Crowd... Do They Really Mean It? Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch ... The Facts About Flirtatious Behaviour... He Has A Nose Like Groucho Marx What Do We Lose When We Gain A New Lover? When your partner reflects on you... How to Get Things Started When You Meet Someone New Advice for struggling couples:... A Guide to Having A Happy Engagement ... Use the days between Xmas and New Year to recharge your relationship How to Get Back into the Dating Game Whose Chat-up Line Is It Anyway? 10 Steps to Overcome the Green Eyed Monster How Love Unrequited Links so Many of Our Hearts How to Breakup Amicably... Beware of the Love Pirates...Here is a warning about the lads who will capture your heart Love is in the air - seven signs that say he's attracted to you! The Best Dating Tips Ever... Whirlwind Weddings – Too Much, Too Soon! Adultery and betrayal, here are some things you might want to consider Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd... Has Your Man Disappeared into His Communication ‘Cave’? When the Internet Comes between You Kissing tips that work! Bridge That Glaring Age Gap Try these love challenges (3) The Ultimate Couple's Communication Guide QUIZ: What's Your Love Profile? Try these love challenges (1) Understanding Men A Few Points About Some Male Personality Types - Try these love challenges (2) Become An Action Woman To Find Love Single Women - Personal Growth Try these love challenges (4) "Couple time" at the weekend is crucial! When you "down date" The key to looking interested not desperate when dating! Top speed dating tips! Couples - put your relationship through an MOT! Some top dating tips! More thoughts on first dates! First dates - some dos and don'ts! Beware - the problems with Internet dating! Dating "firsts" Finding love and fun on holiday! When You and Mr Right Want Different Things Relationship damage-limitation: quick fix communication tips - The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex Some points about men who might give you "mad cow disease" A Few Thoughts on Successful Relationships Five Top Tips for Long Distance Relationships The Stages of Relationships A few top communication tips! Dating after a break-up Keeping positive when you want to start dating again! Notes on when to talk about BABIES - When He Pays Too Much Attention to TV, Computer Games or gadgets! Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb? Some Thoughts on Adolescent Relationship Worries A Few Thoughts on Broken Hearts Are You Staying with Him or Her Because of Your Lifestyle? Some Questions And Things Men Wonder/Worry About From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair Do You Recognise Yourself in These Romantic Profiles? My Thoughts on Pre-Marital Counselling Dating tips for MEN - Surefire Ways and Where to Meet Women Dating tips for WOMEN - Love at First Sight Dating tips for WOMEN - The Wise Woman's Guide to The Art of Flirting Dating tips for WOMEN - What to Do When Things Go Wrong Dating tips for WOMEN - Capturing His Attention Dating tips for MEN - Don't Be a Romantic Loser Dating tips for MEN - Your First Date, First Phone Call and First Kiss An Affair Doesn't Necessarily Spell The End Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love! Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines! What Happened To The Innocence Of Valentine's? QUIZ: What Every Woman Who Wants To Marry Should Know! Christmas-proof Your Relationship For The Fraught Holiday Season! Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware! You Can Get Out Of An Abusive Or Violent Relationship! Just How Manly A Man Do You Want? Understanding The McCartney's War Of Words When They Divorced Toy Boys - The Latest Celebrity Girls’ Fashion Accessory What's the real meaning behind his Valentine's gift to you? Guys - some top tips for buying her a fabulous present! Stop Worrying About Your Wedding! Beat those wedding-day nerves! Dating tips for MEN - The Secrets Of Her Body Language Are You Too Needy In Relationships? A Warning Call To The Lonely And Single Generation! The Secrets of Seduction Prevent an Affair! The Ten-Minute Window in Relationships Has Your Relationship Suffered Over Summer? Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner The Nine Signs of a Non-committer The Unique And Quirky Guide To Finding Love In The New Year! Why Do You Have Repeated Relationship Failures? Thoughts on Why Infidelity Is on the Rise Four Fabulous Steps To Improve Your Relationship! MEN: You behaved badly - what to do! Suspect He's Cheating? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships Find Love For Valentine's Day! QUIZ: Is It Love or Is It Lust? How To Decipher Male- Versus Female-Speak QUIZ: Are You A Man's Woman Or A Woman's Woman? How Marriage Changes Through The Decades Relationship Guaranteed: 10 Little Tricks To Stay Together Marriage SOS – Seven steps to save your relationship! QUIZ: Are You Marrying For The Right Reasons? The Great Matchmaker Guide Prevent A Mid-Life Crisis In Your Marriage The Millisecond Marriages – Too Much, Too Soon! Money, Men And You Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your Man? QUIZ: How Likely Are You To Have An Affair? QUIZ: How Insecure Is Your Love? Could He Be A Natural-Born Cheat? Top Relationship Tips For Preventing Christmas Stress Some crucial tips to avoid money related arguments! The New Dating Dilemmas - And How To Cope With Them The Deal Breakers That Threaten Your Relationship QUIZ: Don't Ditch Your Relationship Too Soon! Warning - Divorce Is Dangerous To Your Health! The Fabulous Flirt Guide QUIZ: Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship? QUIZ: Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves QUIZ: Are You Still Haunted By The Ghost Of Your Ex? Beware - Your Broken Heart Should Come With A Health Warning! Heal Your Xmas Holiday Break-up! A QUICKIE FOR YOU: My top five tips for a long relationship Separated But Still Under The Same Roof! QUIZ: Are You Bored To Tears With Your Relationship? Couples: Be careful what you bicker about QUIZ: The Great Guide To Having A Second Go! Seven Ways to His Heart You Probably Haven't Thought Of! The Seven Deadly Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble Six Signs Your First Date Could Signal Love! Find Love In A Few Weeks!