Getting Together Again?

Getting Together Again? Things to consider...

You've been through a breakup but you've had a creeping feeling that it was a little hasty and second thoughts have set in.

Maybe you miss her sense of humour, her love and affection, or perhaps the Sunday morning sex-on-tap, and even the little things she did that once annoyed you. Because we all annoy each other and sometimes we blow these things out of proportion. The break-up regrets come later.

If you're feeling like this you're in good company - join the post-breakup crowd as about 80% of couples give it a second go.

It's rare that a couple breaks-up and never thinks about giving it one last shot. There's practically always some unfinished business that brings you back together again.

Five WRONG reasons for getting back together -

To save your precious time and spare any extra heartache, be honest if any of the following are pushing you back towards her. These are the five main - and wrong – reasons men go back to ex-girlfriends:

1/ Loneliness: Are you going back because you've been lonely since the break-up? This is a biggie for both men and women but loneliness is never a reason to get back together. It's tempting to have another go when your bed and life seem empty but that often means you'll settle for a third-rate relationship.

2/ Sex: You two might’ve fought like cats and dogs but if the sex was great it can be a big temptation to try again. You can't hinge long-term happiness on the bedroom-action alone because after the first 6 to 12 months couples spend more of their time out of the bedroom anyway. You need to share good things across the whole relationship.

3/ The pressure's on: Is she pressurising you to get back together? Has she managed to grind down your ability for rational thought and your honest belief that it's probably not a good idea to give it a second chance? With vast imbalance between your motivations to try again it's bound to fall apart quickly.

4/ No immediate alternatives: Since your breakup three days, three weeks, or three months ago you haven't met anyone else. So you're figuring there aren't any available alternatives. But post-breakup you’re probably giving off the wrong vibes to attract other women anyway. It's bound to fail if going back to her is all about not having found someone else.

5/ The lazy option: If you're honest with yourself you can't be bothered to go through all that dating "stuff" with someone new. That type of relationship laziness spells trouble - for any relationship.

How to make it work the second time around

Hand on heart, if you think you're getting back for some good reasons, give it the best possible shot by considering these key points - ignore them at your peril:

*Can you talk about what went wrong without arguing? A clue that you’re both committed to really trying again is that you manage to discuss past issues without descending into the rows that originally finished your relationship.

*Can you both see where you each went wrong? A break-up is rarely one person's fault - if both of you can now see what part you each played that's a healthy start.

*Have your issues changed? If the main issue/s that came between you previously has changed it's a good sign. For instance, if you were always stressed from working too long hours - and now manage your time better - that will really help.

*Have you both brought ideas to the table about how it might work better this time? If you're both thinking about different and better ways to do things this time around it boosts your chances.

*Can you agree new tactics? You both should be feeling happy about trying new ways of relating to each other. Maybe you’re now both aware you need to listen to each other more and never storm out over a disagreement.

Ultimately getting back together and doing the same old thing will lead to another breakup. It's up to you both to create a new, better and more loving vibe this time.

A final word of warning - proceed cautiously when talking about any love-action you had while apart! Discretion is crucial even if she says she wants to know what you've been up to while on your "break". Remember what happened to Ross in sitcom Friends when he ‘fessed up to Rachel about having a fling on their break… it didn't end on friendly terms.

An edited version of this appeared on MSN

 


Did you find this article interesting?

Enter your details below to join the monthly mailing list.

Archive


Getting Together Again? Affair-Proof Your Relationship The Ultimate Christmas Relationship Survival Guide... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves... Getting Together Again... Excuses at the Ready ... How to Re-light Your Fire - And Make the Second Time around a Success! Two People, But One-sided... Some thoughts on people with love Plan-Bs Passion Fatigue... How to Walk Away from an Unhappy Relationship... Subconscious Sabotage... Whatever Makes You Happy... Money does matter... Body Image Nightmare... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves – Age-gap anxiety... Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating... Marriage SOS... Dating Again after a Breakup... Laughed straight between the sheets.... Too Good to be True... Beware the Mention of the Exes... Murder on the Dance Floor.... Lusting after Another Love... The Rise of the Plan B Pact... How Romance Can Be like Extracting Teeth... Credit Crunch Couples... Christmas time advice for struggling couples... Third-Party Interference... Opposites That Don't Attract... The Female Self-Destruct Button The Convenience of Compartments... Unlikely Apologies... Masculine Confidences The Chill Look of Contempt... He/She Isn't the Person That I Settled Down With.... Dating at a Distance... The Imperfect Perfectionists... Why He Doesn't Ring When He Says He Will... The Curse Of The Competitive Couples... It Seemed So Right, Now It’s So Wrong.... I married my mother... Never Under-estimate a GSOH... Don't Get Too Comfortable... Why Not Indulge Him? Bickering Versus A Good Old Barney.... Pre-Wedding Jitters? Join the Crowd... Do They Really Mean It? Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch ... The Facts About Flirtatious Behaviour... He Has A Nose Like Groucho Marx What Do We Lose When We Gain A New Lover? When your partner reflects on you... How to Get Things Started When You Meet Someone New Advice for struggling couples:... A Guide to Having A Happy Engagement ... Use the days between Xmas and New Year to recharge your relationship How to Get Back into the Dating Game Whose Chat-up Line Is It Anyway? 10 Steps to Overcome the Green Eyed Monster How Love Unrequited Links so Many of Our Hearts How to Breakup Amicably... Beware of the Love Pirates...Here is a warning about the lads who will capture your heart Love is in the air - seven signs that say he's attracted to you! The Best Dating Tips Ever... Whirlwind Weddings – Too Much, Too Soon! Adultery and betrayal, here are some things you might want to consider Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd... Has Your Man Disappeared into His Communication ‘Cave’? Kissing tips that work! When the Internet Comes between You Bridge That Glaring Age Gap The Ultimate Couple's Communication Guide QUIZ: What's Your Love Profile? Try these love challenges (1) Understanding Men A Few Points About Some Male Personality Types - Try these love challenges (2) Become An Action Woman To Find Love Try these love challenges (3) Single Women - Personal Growth Try these love challenges (4) "Couple time" at the weekend is crucial! When You and Mr Right Want Different Things Relationship damage-limitation: quick fix communication tips - The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex Some points about men who might give you "mad cow disease" A Few Thoughts on Successful Relationships Five Top Tips for Long Distance Relationships Notes on when to talk about BABIES - The Stages of Relationships A few top communication tips! Dating after a break-up Keeping positive when you want to start dating again! Finding love and fun on holiday! When you "down date" Dating "firsts" Beware - the problems with Internet dating! First dates - some dos and don'ts! More thoughts on first dates! Some top dating tips! Couples - put your relationship through an MOT! Top speed dating tips! The key to looking interested not desperate when dating! My Thoughts on Pre-Marital Counselling Do You Recognise Yourself in These Romantic Profiles? Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb? Some Thoughts on Adolescent Relationship Worries A Few Thoughts on Broken Hearts When He Pays Too Much Attention to TV, Computer Games or gadgets! Are You Staying with Him or Her Because of Your Lifestyle? Some Questions And Things Men Wonder/Worry About From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair An Affair Doesn't Necessarily Spell The End Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love! Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines! What Happened To The Innocence Of Valentine's? QUIZ: What Every Woman Who Wants To Marry Should Know! Christmas-proof Your Relationship For The Fraught Holiday Season! Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware! You Can Get Out Of An Abusive Or Violent Relationship! Just How Manly A Man Do You Want? Understanding The McCartney's War Of Words When They Divorced Toy Boys - The Latest Celebrity Girls’ Fashion Accessory What's the real meaning behind his Valentine's gift to you? Guys - some top tips for buying her a fabulous present! Stop Worrying About Your Wedding! Beat those wedding-day nerves! Dating tips for MEN - The Secrets Of Her Body Language Dating tips for MEN - Your First Date, First Phone Call and First Kiss Dating tips for MEN - Surefire Ways and Where to Meet Women Dating tips for MEN - Don't Be a Romantic Loser Dating tips for WOMEN - Capturing His Attention Dating tips for WOMEN - What to Do When Things Go Wrong Dating tips for WOMEN - The Wise Woman's Guide to The Art of Flirting Dating tips for WOMEN - Love at First Sight Thoughts on Why Infidelity Is on the Rise Four Fabulous Steps To Improve Your Relationship! MEN: You behaved badly - what to do! Suspect He's Cheating? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships Find Love For Valentine's Day! QUIZ: Is It Love or Is It Lust? How To Decipher Male- Versus Female-Speak QUIZ: Are You A Man's Woman Or A Woman's Woman? How Marriage Changes Through The Decades Relationship Guaranteed: 10 Little Tricks To Stay Together Marriage SOS – Seven steps to save your relationship! QUIZ: Are You Marrying For The Right Reasons? The Great Matchmaker Guide Prevent A Mid-Life Crisis In Your Marriage The Millisecond Marriages – Too Much, Too Soon! Money, Men And You Why Do You Have Repeated Relationship Failures? Are You Too Needy In Relationships? The Unique And Quirky Guide To Finding Love In The New Year! The Nine Signs of a Non-committer Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner Has Your Relationship Suffered Over Summer? The Ten-Minute Window in Relationships Prevent an Affair! The Secrets of Seduction A Warning Call To The Lonely And Single Generation! QUIZ: How Likely Are You To Have An Affair? QUIZ: How Insecure Is Your Love? Could He Be A Natural-Born Cheat? QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your Man? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships The New Dating Dilemmas - And How To Cope With Them The Deal Breakers That Threaten Your Relationship QUIZ: Don't Ditch Your Relationship Too Soon! Warning - Divorce Is Dangerous To Your Health! The Fabulous Flirt Guide QUIZ: Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship? QUIZ: Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves QUIZ: Are You Still Haunted By The Ghost Of Your Ex? Beware - Your Broken Heart Should Come With A Health Warning! Heal Your Xmas Holiday Break-up! A QUICKIE FOR YOU: My top five tips for a long relationship Some crucial tips to avoid money related arguments! Top Relationship Tips For Preventing Christmas Stress Couples: Be careful what you bicker about QUIZ: Are You Bored To Tears With Your Relationship? Separated But Still Under The Same Roof! Six Signs Your First Date Could Signal Love! The Seven Deadly Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble Seven Ways to His Heart You Probably Haven't Thought Of! QUIZ: The Great Guide To Having A Second Go! Find Love In A Few Weeks!