QUIZ: Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship?

Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship?

Here's my advice for handling overly-friendly Exs

No one really wants to have an acrimonious relationship with their Ex, particularly when children are involved. But what about when you have a friendship with them and they’re still part of your life? Take Debbie, 37, who regularly texts, chats to, and even meets up with Ex-husband Jonathan. Surprise, surprise – her boyfriend of nine months, Mark, is not amused. And he's got every right to feel he should be Debbie's priority.

As Debbie’s finding, your relationship too could be jeopardised if you're a touch cosy with your Ex - even if it's innocent friendship. Take my quick quiz to determine whether Great EX-pectations feature too much in your day-to-day life.

1/ Do you regularly mention things like having spoken to your Ex on the phone, to your present partner?

Yes                              No

2/ Does your Ex ever drop in unannounced?

Yes                              No

3/ Does anything you do with your Ex (say, chatting on the phone) interfere with time with your present partner?

Yes                              No

4/ Have you ever invited your Ex to meet up with you and your partner?

Yes                              No

5/ Have you ever fibbed to your present partner about speaking to or seeing your Ex even if it was completely innocent?

Yes                              No

6/ Has your partner ever mentioned or objected to the things you do with your Ex?

Yes                              No

7/ Do you feel you have to walk on tenterhooks around your present partner about things regarding your Ex?

Yes                              No

8/ If the tables were reversed, honestly, how would you feel about your present partner doing things with their Ex that you do with yours?

Yes                              No

0 - 1 Yes Answers: No Ex-rated issues

You've got things under control when it comes to your ex-partner. Whatever interaction you might have with them (particularly if you had children with them) has obviously been thought through and doesn't threaten your new relationship.

2 - 3 Yes Answers: Beware of Ex-rated issues

You're on a slippery slope to jeopardising your present relationship. Best to put the brakes on your involvement with your Ex before you run into real trouble. Follow the advice below.

4 - 8 Yes Answers: Ex-Rated Danger Zone

You're in trouble here. The amount of time and energy you spend on your Ex eats into your time and energy for your present partner. Time to get your priorities right and apply the following advice to your behaviour:

Question your motives: ask yourself where your need to be excessively involved with your Ex comes from. Have you not got over them? Or do you use your involvement with your Ex to undermine your present partner for some reason? Perhaps you simply haven't realised how much this could upset your present partner. And now you know you'll invest your energies in your present relationship.

Act on your motive: now you've appraised your motives, sort out what to do about it. Let's say you actually try to get a rise from your present partner by being friendly with your Ex. What is it about them, that’s made you want to rattle their cage? Maybe they work long hours and need to prioritise time with you and your relationship. Spell this out to them and let them know you've been using your Ex to make them sit up and take notice of neglecting you.

Recognise attention seeking: if you feel the need to seek attention from your Ex, as well as your present partner, you must accept that this’ll always have negative consequences for your relationships. Set goals to get attention for positive things like excelling on a work project or taking up an exciting new hobby that makes you feel accomplished.

Streamline your Ex-Time: if you must stay in contact with your Ex - because you have children together or work together - streamline time with them to the minimum necessary for meeting your responsibilities. First discuss these plans with your present partner so they see you're good intentions to improve things.

Establish your boundaries: let your Ex know you’re setting new boundaries on the time you spend chatting to them on meeting up. It's always best to face these things head-on otherwise your Ex won't get the message and might keep ringing and expecting you to be available.

Prepare to be firm: you might’ve decided you’ll prioritise your new relationship but find your Ex has different ideas. Because you’ve simply thought it was the grown-up thing to stay friends, whereas they’ve harboured stronger feelings for you. Be ready to knock on the head their comments that your, "present partner’s being ridiculous," etc. Because ultimately who should have your undivided attention - someone from your past or someone in your present life? You should know the answer by now.

Published in The Express Newspaper

 

 

 


Did you find this article interesting?

Enter your details below to join the monthly mailing list.

Archive


Getting Together Again? Affair-Proof Your Relationship The Ultimate Christmas Relationship Survival Guide... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves... Getting Together Again... Excuses at the Ready ... How to Re-light Your Fire - And Make the Second Time around a Success! Two People, But One-sided... Some thoughts on people with love Plan-Bs Passion Fatigue... How to Walk Away from an Unhappy Relationship... Subconscious Sabotage... Whatever Makes You Happy... Money does matter... Body Image Nightmare... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves – Age-gap anxiety... Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating... Marriage SOS... Dating Again after a Breakup... Laughed straight between the sheets.... Too Good to be True... Beware the Mention of the Exes... Murder on the Dance Floor.... Lusting after Another Love... The Rise of the Plan B Pact... How Romance Can Be like Extracting Teeth... Credit Crunch Couples... Christmas time advice for struggling couples... Third-Party Interference... Opposites That Don't Attract... The Female Self-Destruct Button The Convenience of Compartments... Unlikely Apologies... Masculine Confidences The Chill Look of Contempt... He/She Isn't the Person That I Settled Down With.... Dating at a Distance... The Imperfect Perfectionists... Why He Doesn't Ring When He Says He Will... The Curse Of The Competitive Couples... It Seemed So Right, Now It’s So Wrong.... I married my mother... Never Under-estimate a GSOH... Don't Get Too Comfortable... Why Not Indulge Him? Bickering Versus A Good Old Barney.... Pre-Wedding Jitters? Join the Crowd... Do They Really Mean It? Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch ... The Facts About Flirtatious Behaviour... He Has A Nose Like Groucho Marx What Do We Lose When We Gain A New Lover? When your partner reflects on you... How to Get Things Started When You Meet Someone New Advice for struggling couples:... A Guide to Having A Happy Engagement ... Use the days between Xmas and New Year to recharge your relationship How to Get Back into the Dating Game Whose Chat-up Line Is It Anyway? 10 Steps to Overcome the Green Eyed Monster How Love Unrequited Links so Many of Our Hearts How to Breakup Amicably... Beware of the Love Pirates...Here is a warning about the lads who will capture your heart Love is in the air - seven signs that say he's attracted to you! The Best Dating Tips Ever... Whirlwind Weddings – Too Much, Too Soon! Adultery and betrayal, here are some things you might want to consider Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd... Has Your Man Disappeared into His Communication ‘Cave’? Kissing tips that work! When the Internet Comes between You Bridge That Glaring Age Gap The Ultimate Couple's Communication Guide QUIZ: What's Your Love Profile? Try these love challenges (1) Understanding Men A Few Points About Some Male Personality Types - Try these love challenges (2) Become An Action Woman To Find Love Try these love challenges (3) Single Women - Personal Growth Try these love challenges (4) "Couple time" at the weekend is crucial! When You and Mr Right Want Different Things Relationship damage-limitation: quick fix communication tips - The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex Some points about men who might give you "mad cow disease" A Few Thoughts on Successful Relationships Five Top Tips for Long Distance Relationships Notes on when to talk about BABIES - The Stages of Relationships A few top communication tips! Dating after a break-up Keeping positive when you want to start dating again! Finding love and fun on holiday! When you "down date" Dating "firsts" Beware - the problems with Internet dating! First dates - some dos and don'ts! More thoughts on first dates! Some top dating tips! Couples - put your relationship through an MOT! Top speed dating tips! The key to looking interested not desperate when dating! My Thoughts on Pre-Marital Counselling Do You Recognise Yourself in These Romantic Profiles? Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb? Some Thoughts on Adolescent Relationship Worries A Few Thoughts on Broken Hearts When He Pays Too Much Attention to TV, Computer Games or gadgets! Are You Staying with Him or Her Because of Your Lifestyle? Some Questions And Things Men Wonder/Worry About From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair An Affair Doesn't Necessarily Spell The End Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love! Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines! What Happened To The Innocence Of Valentine's? QUIZ: What Every Woman Who Wants To Marry Should Know! Christmas-proof Your Relationship For The Fraught Holiday Season! Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware! You Can Get Out Of An Abusive Or Violent Relationship! Just How Manly A Man Do You Want? Understanding The McCartney's War Of Words When They Divorced Toy Boys - The Latest Celebrity Girls’ Fashion Accessory What's the real meaning behind his Valentine's gift to you? Guys - some top tips for buying her a fabulous present! Stop Worrying About Your Wedding! Beat those wedding-day nerves! Dating tips for MEN - The Secrets Of Her Body Language Dating tips for MEN - Your First Date, First Phone Call and First Kiss Dating tips for MEN - Surefire Ways and Where to Meet Women Dating tips for MEN - Don't Be a Romantic Loser Dating tips for WOMEN - Capturing His Attention Dating tips for WOMEN - What to Do When Things Go Wrong Dating tips for WOMEN - The Wise Woman's Guide to The Art of Flirting Dating tips for WOMEN - Love at First Sight Thoughts on Why Infidelity Is on the Rise Four Fabulous Steps To Improve Your Relationship! MEN: You behaved badly - what to do! Suspect He's Cheating? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships Find Love For Valentine's Day! QUIZ: Is It Love or Is It Lust? How To Decipher Male- Versus Female-Speak QUIZ: Are You A Man's Woman Or A Woman's Woman? How Marriage Changes Through The Decades Relationship Guaranteed: 10 Little Tricks To Stay Together Marriage SOS – Seven steps to save your relationship! QUIZ: Are You Marrying For The Right Reasons? The Great Matchmaker Guide Prevent A Mid-Life Crisis In Your Marriage The Millisecond Marriages – Too Much, Too Soon! Money, Men And You Why Do You Have Repeated Relationship Failures? Are You Too Needy In Relationships? The Unique And Quirky Guide To Finding Love In The New Year! The Nine Signs of a Non-committer Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner Has Your Relationship Suffered Over Summer? The Ten-Minute Window in Relationships Prevent an Affair! The Secrets of Seduction A Warning Call To The Lonely And Single Generation! QUIZ: How Likely Are You To Have An Affair? QUIZ: How Insecure Is Your Love? Could He Be A Natural-Born Cheat? QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your Man? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships The New Dating Dilemmas - And How To Cope With Them The Deal Breakers That Threaten Your Relationship QUIZ: Don't Ditch Your Relationship Too Soon! Warning - Divorce Is Dangerous To Your Health! The Fabulous Flirt Guide QUIZ: Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship? QUIZ: Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves QUIZ: Are You Still Haunted By The Ghost Of Your Ex? Beware - Your Broken Heart Should Come With A Health Warning! Heal Your Xmas Holiday Break-up! A QUICKIE FOR YOU: My top five tips for a long relationship Some crucial tips to avoid money related arguments! Top Relationship Tips For Preventing Christmas Stress Couples: Be careful what you bicker about QUIZ: Are You Bored To Tears With Your Relationship? Separated But Still Under The Same Roof! Six Signs Your First Date Could Signal Love! The Seven Deadly Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble Seven Ways to His Heart You Probably Haven't Thought Of! QUIZ: The Great Guide To Having A Second Go! Find Love In A Few Weeks!