The Ultimate Couple's Communication Guide

Better Communication Equals Better Balance In Your Relationship!

 

Every relationship goes through ups and downs with both partners vying for attention, love, and even power! It's the emotionally “wise” couple that realises at any given point the couple, or one of the partners, may have needs or issues that are difficult to meet. This is when the “unwise” couple ends up arguing in destructive ways. The wise couple works it out without diminishing each other or their relationship.

 

Relationships are also about compromise. From the outside that might appear to mean that every partner gives something up when in a relationship. However by viewing the bigger picture, each partner should feel that they're benefiting more by compromising with each other.

 

There are a number of tips, tricks and techniques you can use to ensure you have effective communication and compromise that promote a happy relationship and can either prevent arguments or ensure you argue constructively when you do.

 

Dr Pam’s damage-limitation tips:

 

PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE:

 

1/ Don't stew over things. If you can’t get an issue out of your mind then you need to talk about it with your partner. Do this before it boils over!

 

2/ That said, if it's a small issue that's not really playing on your mind, ask yourself how you'd feel if your partner raised it with you? Would you be fine with it or think it was a ridiculously petty thing? If you'd feel it was petty remind yourself about the bigger picture.

 

3/ Have regular discussions when you’re both chilled out about where things are going right and perhaps where things are going "less right".

 

4/ Remind yourself every day why you first fell in love. It's easy to forget these important things with the daily grind of life.

 

5/ Accept responsibility for your part of the relationship. You can’t expect your partner to always make you feel better, always help you de-stress, always help you find solutions to your problems, etc.

 

6/ When calm, identify ‘hot spots’ that make you angry. Most arguing forms a pattern around a couple core issues. Plan how to move forward on these.

 

7/ Agree some topics you may never compromise over but you agree to disagree – and don't argue about these!

 

8/ Learn from past mistakes. It's no good sorting something out but then falling back into the same negative cycle. Check each other by asking in a positive fashion, "how am I doing with X, Y, or Z?"

 

EXPRESS YOURSELF:

 

1/ Learn to express your needs in a helpful way. For example, if you need extra TLC because your manager’s giving you a hard time at work – ask your partner for it. Even the most loving partner may not realise when things have got worse in a particular situation for you.

 

2/ Your partner is not a mind reader and this is particularly true for men. Rather than drop hints about something, expecting him to guess what's on your mind, choose a simple but straightforward and honest way to mention it.

 

3/ Speak clearly, without what can be frustrating pauses and silences. Check the other has understood what you said. It's better to say, e.g., "Do you understand how that hurt my feelings?" and get them to feed-back to you what their understanding of the situation is. Rather then crossing your fingers and hoping they understood you.

 

4/ Choose your time wisely to bring something up. If you've only got 15 minutes you don't want to raise something that actually needs an evening to discuss. Or if you’re both stressed out after a long day it may end up in a row.

 

5/ Mind how much alcohol is involved when discussing important issues. A little alcohol can relax you both but too much means you may get argumentative or say things you might think twice about saying when sober.

 

6/ Switch-off mobiles, TV, radio, etc., to prevent interruptions.

 

7/ Agree 1-2 goals to discuss when having a constructive conversation - not all, e.g., 12 issues you disagree over!

 

8/ Begin with something positive about your partner. By generating a good vibe from the start of a discussion you're more likely to stick to a positive path.

 

9/ Be "hopeful" when discussing an issue that crops up frequently by identifying an instance where, e.g., you haven't argued over this particular issue. By being hopeful your partner is more likely to feel hopeful about the issue.

10/ Choice of words is important - for example, use "I statements" beginning with "I feel x, y, z" as this personalises what you're saying.

 

11/ Explain your part in the issue - problems are rarely 100% one partner's fault.

 

LEARN TO LISTEN:

 

1/ Feedback to your partner what they've told you so you know you've got the right meaning/message.

 

2/ As you listen to what they're saying try putting yourself in their shoes. Think through how you'd really feel in their position.

 

3/ Once you've listen to what they have to say write out your two points of view. See if there’s middle ground you two haven’t ‘seen’.

 

4/ Even if your partner says something you entirely disagree with, let them finish their thought - do not interrupt them!

 

IF IT GETS HEATED:

 

1/ Give each other two minutes uninterrupted talking time. Use an egg timer if needs be to stick to this.

 

2/ Agree if things get heated you'll take a "breather", and then try discussing the issue
from a different tack. Many issues do not get sorted in one go.

 

3/ Don't throw into an already heated exchange an irrelevant issue from past rows. Let those things go and stick to whatever you’re disagreeing about now.

 

4/ If an argument starts, count to ten before yelling. This gives your brain a chance to get in gear rather then be dominated by strong emotions. If it doesn't work then tell your partner you must leave the room to cool-down as you don't want to say anything you'll regret.

 

5/ Never make sweeping generalisations like, ‘you never help me!’ It’s very rare that someone ‘never’ does something positive or ‘always’ does something negative.

 

6/ Rather than shout, e.g., "You f**king Bas***d" think of something funny to shout like, "You silly bunny!" to dispel anger. It can work and is far less regrettable!

 

7/ The old adage "don't let the sun go down on anger" is true. It's far better to make up or at least to give each other a hug, and the reassurance that you’ll work it out, and suggest continuing at another time.

 

8/ When angry never go for your partner's emotional "jugular vein". Stop yourself before saying something you'll completely regret, e.g., in anger shouting, "we should get a divorce!" Once you put the D-word into your arguments it's a very slippery slope.

 

When all is said and done and you've expressed yourself, listened to your partner, and hopefully understood each other it's always far more important to be happy together then for one of you to be “right” about something. Someone can be the most " right" person in the world - and the most lonely - having lost out in love by never graciously bowing out of an argument that's really not worth having.

 

Relate Couples Couselling – 0845-130-4016


Did you find this article interesting?

Enter your details below to join the monthly mailing list.

Archive


Does your partner really know you? Check this out! How to get over that first awkward relationship bump... Going through a break up? Tips for an online clean up... Getting Together Again? Affair-Proof Your Relationship The Ultimate Christmas Relationship Survival Guide... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves... Getting Together Again... Excuses at the Ready ... How to Re-light Your Fire - And Make the Second Time around a Success! Two People, But One-sided... Some thoughts on people with love Plan-Bs Passion Fatigue... How to Walk Away from an Unhappy Relationship... Subconscious Sabotage... Whatever Makes You Happy... Money does matter... Body Image Nightmare... Understanding and Overcoming Your Pre-Wedding Jitters and On-the-day Nerves – Age-gap anxiety... Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating... Marriage SOS... Dating Again after a Breakup... Laughed straight between the sheets.... Too Good to be True... Beware the Mention of the Exes... Murder on the Dance Floor.... Lusting after Another Love... The Rise of the Plan B Pact... How Romance Can Be like Extracting Teeth... Credit Crunch Couples... Christmas time advice for struggling couples... Third-Party Interference... Opposites That Don't Attract... The Female Self-Destruct Button The Convenience of Compartments... Unlikely Apologies... Masculine Confidences The Chill Look of Contempt... He/She Isn't the Person That I Settled Down With.... Dating at a Distance... The Imperfect Perfectionists... Why He Doesn't Ring When He Says He Will... The Curse Of The Competitive Couples... It Seemed So Right, Now It’s So Wrong.... I married my mother... Never Under-estimate a GSOH... Don't Get Too Comfortable... Why Not Indulge Him? Bickering Versus A Good Old Barney.... Pre-Wedding Jitters? Join the Crowd... Do They Really Mean It? Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch ... The Facts About Flirtatious Behaviour... He Has A Nose Like Groucho Marx What Do We Lose When We Gain A New Lover? When your partner reflects on you... How to Get Things Started When You Meet Someone New Advice for struggling couples:... A Guide to Having A Happy Engagement ... Use the days between Xmas and New Year to recharge your relationship How to Get Back into the Dating Game Whose Chat-up Line Is It Anyway? 10 Steps to Overcome the Green Eyed Monster How Love Unrequited Links so Many of Our Hearts How to Breakup Amicably... Beware of the Love Pirates...Here is a warning about the lads who will capture your heart Love is in the air - seven signs that say he's attracted to you! The Best Dating Tips Ever... Whirlwind Weddings – Too Much, Too Soon! Adultery and betrayal, here are some things you might want to consider Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd... Has Your Man Disappeared into His Communication ‘Cave’? When the Internet Comes between You Kissing tips that work! Bridge That Glaring Age Gap Try these love challenges (3) The Ultimate Couple's Communication Guide QUIZ: What's Your Love Profile? Try these love challenges (1) Understanding Men A Few Points About Some Male Personality Types - Try these love challenges (2) Become An Action Woman To Find Love Single Women - Personal Growth Try these love challenges (4) "Couple time" at the weekend is crucial! When you "down date" The key to looking interested not desperate when dating! Top speed dating tips! Couples - put your relationship through an MOT! Some top dating tips! More thoughts on first dates! First dates - some dos and don'ts! Beware - the problems with Internet dating! Dating "firsts" Finding love and fun on holiday! When You and Mr Right Want Different Things Relationship damage-limitation: quick fix communication tips - The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex Some points about men who might give you "mad cow disease" A Few Thoughts on Successful Relationships Five Top Tips for Long Distance Relationships The Stages of Relationships A few top communication tips! Dating after a break-up Keeping positive when you want to start dating again! Notes on when to talk about BABIES - When He Pays Too Much Attention to TV, Computer Games or gadgets! Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb? Some Thoughts on Adolescent Relationship Worries A Few Thoughts on Broken Hearts Are You Staying with Him or Her Because of Your Lifestyle? Some Questions And Things Men Wonder/Worry About From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair Do You Recognise Yourself in These Romantic Profiles? My Thoughts on Pre-Marital Counselling Dating tips for MEN - Surefire Ways and Where to Meet Women Dating tips for WOMEN - Love at First Sight Dating tips for WOMEN - The Wise Woman's Guide to The Art of Flirting Dating tips for WOMEN - What to Do When Things Go Wrong Dating tips for WOMEN - Capturing His Attention Dating tips for MEN - Don't Be a Romantic Loser Dating tips for MEN - Your First Date, First Phone Call and First Kiss An Affair Doesn't Necessarily Spell The End Nine Things You Should Never Say To Your New Love! Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines! What Happened To The Innocence Of Valentine's? QUIZ: What Every Woman Who Wants To Marry Should Know! Christmas-proof Your Relationship For The Fraught Holiday Season! Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware! You Can Get Out Of An Abusive Or Violent Relationship! Just How Manly A Man Do You Want? Understanding The McCartney's War Of Words When They Divorced Toy Boys - The Latest Celebrity Girls’ Fashion Accessory What's the real meaning behind his Valentine's gift to you? Guys - some top tips for buying her a fabulous present! Stop Worrying About Your Wedding! Beat those wedding-day nerves! Dating tips for MEN - The Secrets Of Her Body Language Are You Too Needy In Relationships? A Warning Call To The Lonely And Single Generation! The Secrets of Seduction Prevent an Affair! The Ten-Minute Window in Relationships Has Your Relationship Suffered Over Summer? Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner The Nine Signs of a Non-committer The Unique And Quirky Guide To Finding Love In The New Year! Why Do You Have Repeated Relationship Failures? Thoughts on Why Infidelity Is on the Rise Four Fabulous Steps To Improve Your Relationship! MEN: You behaved badly - what to do! Suspect He's Cheating? Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships Find Love For Valentine's Day! QUIZ: Is It Love or Is It Lust? How To Decipher Male- Versus Female-Speak QUIZ: Are You A Man's Woman Or A Woman's Woman? How Marriage Changes Through The Decades Relationship Guaranteed: 10 Little Tricks To Stay Together Marriage SOS – Seven steps to save your relationship! QUIZ: Are You Marrying For The Right Reasons? The Great Matchmaker Guide Prevent A Mid-Life Crisis In Your Marriage The Millisecond Marriages – Too Much, Too Soon! Money, Men And You Seven Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your Man? QUIZ: How Likely Are You To Have An Affair? QUIZ: How Insecure Is Your Love? Could He Be A Natural-Born Cheat? Top Relationship Tips For Preventing Christmas Stress Some crucial tips to avoid money related arguments! The New Dating Dilemmas - And How To Cope With Them The Deal Breakers That Threaten Your Relationship QUIZ: Don't Ditch Your Relationship Too Soon! Warning - Divorce Is Dangerous To Your Health! The Fabulous Flirt Guide QUIZ: Great EX-pectations - Is Your Ex Jeopardising Your Relationship? QUIZ: Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves QUIZ: Are You Still Haunted By The Ghost Of Your Ex? Beware - Your Broken Heart Should Come With A Health Warning! Heal Your Xmas Holiday Break-up! A QUICKIE FOR YOU: My top five tips for a long relationship Separated But Still Under The Same Roof! QUIZ: Are You Bored To Tears With Your Relationship? Couples: Be careful what you bicker about QUIZ: The Great Guide To Having A Second Go! Seven Ways to His Heart You Probably Haven't Thought Of! The Seven Deadly Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble Six Signs Your First Date Could Signal Love! Find Love In A Few Weeks!