Dr Pam Spurr

When One of You Is Kinky

When One of You Is Kinky

Relationships between one kinky and one vanilla partner can definitely work. Not only is compromise possible through indulging in some non-threatening "kinky-lite" sex but often the vanilla partner can be helped to find their "inner kink".

How would you recommend a kinky person introduces a partner to their kink without scaring them?

A kinky partner should never rush into introducing their particular kink to their partner - in other words they shouldn't jump out of the cupboard wearing their favourite gimp mask! Always begin with some fantasy-chat where you introduce your particular kink into a fantasy scenario. You can discuss this with your partner and sound out how they feel about it. You might discover they share your same kink or at least are prepared to talk about within a fantasy scenario. If your kink involves different paraphernalia like fetish gear, then always start by showing your partner the lighter side. For example you can get out your smooth, silk lash rather than your barbed cat-o-nine whip!

How would you recommend a vanilla person asks a kinky partner to have 'straight' sex without them finding it boring?

Tell your kinky partner that you'd love to have some straightforward sex but you hope they’ll feel free to fantasise about all sorts of exotic things while doing so. Also that you don't mind them making some dirty-chat about their kink while banging away in the missionary position!

What's the worst way for someone to react if a partner admits they have some form of kink or fetish?

The worst way to react to someone’s kink is with shock and horror and saying something insulting like, "you cant possibly enjoy doing something that disgusting!" That ‘s bound to make them close up like a clam or even feel disgusted with themselves. And that's not a starting-point for developing greater intimacy. However please feel free to react with shock and disgust at anything illegal like paedophilia or sex with animals. You should be shocked - and they should know it  - and you should urge them to get help.

Do you think that kinky people can become over-reliant on their kink to the detriment of 'straight' sex?

Unfortunately someone with a specific kink can become over-reliant on it. They only get off when doing their particular thing. Not only does that become boring for a partner but for the person themselves it can be frustrating when they don't have access to their kink during sex. It can also lead to break ups and the person feeling bad about themselves because their sex-life becomes so limited around their kink.

Quotes given to Scarlet Magazine