Dr Pam Spurr

Are you two in sexual sych?

Are you two in sexual sych? Questions and answers

If we find each other hugely desirable, how do we end up falling out of sexual sync?

"The intensity of the chemical attraction we initially have for someone can override any little niggles or differences in bed. We literally wear rose-coloured spectacles when looking at our new lover. This means that if, e.g., our new lover has a higher sex drive, we get carried along with it and see it as, "how wonderful it is that he can’t keep his hands off me." As time goes by  we psychologically "reframe" this into a negative, "why cant he ever keeps his hands off of me?!" So we find ourselves out of sync."

What happens when we move in together/get married - at a time when we should be revelling in the on-tap sex, we can end up misunderstanding each others’ sexual messages and upsetting each other. How does this happen?

"When a couple moves in or gets married what they expected would be a blissful time a "on tap-sex" is actually a time of "on tap-real-life, day-to-day issues". Before they could’ve hidden - or dealt with - things like bad moods by disappearing behind their own flat door. They'd simply get on with dealing with things like an overflowing toilet or an unpaid bill on their own, now all these issues are part of their shared life. There are reality is what they thought were boring/annoying things in their own life are now reflected in their life together. All these things have a ripple effect into the sex life. They get annoyed with each other over a household issue, are feeling bad, and then they get mixed messages when it comes to sexual matters."

What can you do to make your sex life mutally satisfying if you have conflicting schedules or prefer different times of the day to have sex than your partner?

"Compromise and being creative is the absolute key to negotiating conflicting schedules or differences in sexual preferences - like timing, e.g., where you feel randy in the morning and he’s a midnight-man. First off, show goodwill and demonstrate that you are not always going to turn him down at night if he loves you do coax him into sex in the morning. We’re far too self-centred - both women and men - and always want our way first. Don't compromise begrudgingly but find the positive side or turn it into a sex game. You can suggest sensually, "You know I don't usually feel sexy at night but if you pretend to be a man that's got lost and is looking for directions, but end up seducing me passionately, then you can be guaranteed I'll enjoy it."

Initiating sex - and whose ‘turn’ it is - can be a big problem area, and being rebuffed can cause major friction. How can you learn to read each other’s sexual signs?

"The more you listen to your lover, the more you get to know his sex signs. You'll read his look, his mood, his body-language, etc. Let your intuition guide you! Too many women tune-out from their intuition, when I’d say 95 per cent the time it's right. Next, don't expect either of you to be mind readers. You can always use soft, low, and loving vocal tones to find out what he's trying to communicate - or to communicate yourself. Psychological research shows vocal tone is critical in intimate communication. A high, shrill question about whether or not he wants sex that night is not going to get a good response. Also research shows using simple, straight forward questions (with the positive tone of voice) is much more likely to elicit clear communication from a man then beating around the bush. ."

How is it best to deal with very conflicting libido levels? Should you give in to pressure to do it more to please him (or vice versa), or be true to what you want?

"You'll never have a successful relationship if you don't learn to compromise - be it in the bedroom, over money, or the way you spend your free time together. You'd be amazed at the magic worked by showing a loving and generous spirit when it comes to such issues. Of course there are some things you can never compromise over - like if he wants to try it a sexual practice that turns you off. For example, if you gave in to his desire for anal sex - and it really repulsed - you could destroy your entire sex-life. But when it comes to timing and other things like that you both need to compromise."