Dr Pam Spurr

Pursuing no strings sex

Pursuing no strings sex - a few questions and answers

a) do you think this sort of lifestyle is becoming more common amongst middle-aged women who no longer are looking for a man that 'ticks all the boxes';

" I’ve definitely observed this sort of lifestyle choice becoming more common amongst middle-aged women largely due to the fact that as society has become less judgmental they’ve felt free to make such choices. This specific choice to juggle a number of sexual-romantic relationships is particularly appealing to women who've had an unhappy first marriage. With hopes of a lifelong union dashed added to the confidence that juggling single parenthood and careers has given them, means they want to have relationships on their terms."

b) What are the benefits or downsides of having these sorts of relationships?

"There are a number of positive benefits from this lifestyle choice for confident women, who feel in control of their lives, and know what they want - and more importantly don't want - from a relationship. It means that she can relate to different men, for different reasons, and on different terms. Such women no longer have to aspire to finding one man to provide every dimension to their need for intimacy. A set of aspirations and expectations that frequently damage many potential relationships when one person can’t tick all the desired boxes.

The drawbacks are very serious indeed when they occur. Women with low self-esteem and poor relationship skills may find themselves getting used by unscrupulous man who see them as easy targets for sex. In such cases a negative cycle is perpetuated where an already emotionally damaged woman seeks love from men on loose and easy terms that actually aren’t her own and yet she doesn't have the confidence to stand up for what she wants."

c) How does this impact on female and male sexuality - is this a trend or a positive move for women/men in negotiating relationships in their later years?

"Putting aside women with low self-esteem who won’t benefit from this lifestyle choice, this can only have a positive impact on a woman's sexuality where she has the confidence to make her own unique relationship choices. It enhances her life and in doing so means she will derive more sexual pleasure because the sexual aspect of her relationships will be on her terms. This ability to relate well to the men she's involved with means that all concerned have a good experience. So this in turn also impacts positively on men's sexuality. By its very nature of the emphasis of such a relationship is that it’s conducted with clear and honest communication, and doesn't compromise each other's self-worth. I definitely see this as a trend that will work well for the right people - those who've been in unsuccessful monogamous relationships who don't necessarily want to be tied down to one significant relationship. And for those who’ve had successful monogamous relationships and, e.g., may’ve been widowed and don't want to replace that relationship in that form. "