Dr Pam Spurr

Sex Academy No. 1: My Partner Isn't Interested in Sex

My Sex & Love Academy - The Centre for Red Hot Learning

Every fortnight on a Friday I throw open the doors to my online Academy on the Sun newspaper website. Learning to be a good lover has never been so easy!

Sex Lesson No. 1: 

This fortnight's lecture: My Partner Isn't Interested in Sex 

It's NOT a nice feeling when your partner turns down sex. Inside you get a bit paranoid thinking: "am I a sex maniac, wanting too much?" Or "don't they fancy me anymore?"

Women are particularly bad about blaming themselves when he loses interest. Whereas the fellas are less worried about blame - they just want to sort out more sex!

Academy rule No. 1: Students will not point the finger-of-blame for lack of sex at themselves or their partners. You're in this together, you'll sort it together.

Here's a checklist of passion-killing culprits every good student should consider:

ü  Problems in your relationship (at each other's throats and you won't be at it!)

ü  Trouble at work/financial worries

ü  Not enough sleep or time together (a good chance the Beckham's are experiencing this one)

ü  Too many late nights including too much booze and cigs

ü  Boredom with the same old sex and/or feeling shy about trying new things

ü  Medical problems and/or side-effects of prescription medication

ü  Stress, anxiety and/or depression (face it, when you’re down you don't feel sexy)

ü  Erectile difficulties for the man meaning he avoids sex

Most of these affect the way you feel and think – i.e., your brain action. Research shows how powerfully our brains effect sexual desire. Put a hot, naked woman in front of a depressed man and his brain won't switch on his arousal centre. What hope has his wife of 5, 10, or more, years got?

Hot & Helpful Homework:

It's time for applying your new knowledge - thoroughly examine the checklist and get stuck in with the main culprit. If a number of these are affecting your sex life, focus on changing one at a time.

Study example: Let's say you're having lots of arguments plus partying too much at weekends - ending up hungover. When calm, agree with each other that the arguing must stop. Then look at what starts arguments (Household chores? Money?) and work out solutions together.

Be the first to be affectionate and loving to your partner despite the rows. Making these efforts will have big payoffs.

Thinking of our example - arguments and partying – next knock excess drinking on the head. A hangover on a Sunday morning doesn't lead to Sunday afternoon delight! Agree a drinks-limit and help each other stick to it.

When things are better, recharge the spark. Make regular time for each other, get cosy on the settee, and whisper in their ear how much you miss that "thing" they do best in bed.

Tease them a little, let your fingertips gently run over their erogenous zones, and keep up the sexy banter. Full sex should be back on the agenda soon. But consult your GP about ongoing health issues that might affect desire.

Test Your Knowledge 

Q: How many couples now regularly use oral sex to guarantee the woman's satisfaction - is it:

A/ 45%

B/ 20%

C/ 69%

Answer at end

Loved-up Celebs

So Brad and Angelina are getting hitched six years and six children into their relationship. Is it a case of better late than never? Sadly it's not great news for the two most gorgeous celebrities to grace our good earth. Relationship research shows that couples leaving getting married longer than 3 1/2 years are pretty much doomed.

The honest truth? Because leaving it that long suggests one of them’s dragged their feet about fully committing… whether it's her Jimmy Choo-clad feet daintily dodging the aisle we may never know. Just beware the partner who keeps putting off full commitment.

With the arrival of daughter, Harper Seven, the Beckham's have their hands full – big-time! One lesson we can learn from them is despite the seismic-size upheavals of their early years (you don't get over rumoured infidelity easily) they're now strong - a real Team Beckham.

Their body language is always harmonious, they naturally work together, and appear devoted. Take the troubles in your relationship - understand why they happened - and turn them into a stronger bond.

Dr Pam’s Position

This fortnight: The Cow Girl

Have loads of fun with this position where the girl's on top. He lies flat on his back and she straddles him, facing him. A perfect position for a ‘boob-man’ as he has great access to his partner’s and can caress her during sex.

She gently glides up and down as passion builds. He steadies the action by holding her hips. This is a perfect position for her to control the pace of things. Plus if she has low-body confidence a dimmer switch or candles will provide subtle lighting.

Riding off into the sunset takes on a new meaning!

Test Your Knowledge answer: The correct answer is B/ 20% of couples now regularly ensure the woman's satisfaction with him giving her oral pleasure - just what the doctor ordered!