Dr Pam Spurr

Sex & Love Academy...Sharing fantasies...

Sex & Love Academy - The Centre for Red Hot Learning

Every fortnight on a Friday I throw open the doors to my online Academy on the Sun newspaper website.

Sex Lessons No. 2:

This fortnight's lecture: How to Share Your Hot Fantasies

Sexologist boffins go where no one else dares tread - they've researched how many of us have hot sexual fantasies. A whopping 94% of men and 90% of women confess to them... the rest are fibbing saying they don't have them.

So today's lesson is all about fantasy-chat to spice things up.

Timing's crucial - if your partner's just confessed undying love it's not the best time to mention your kinky bondage fantasy. But in the middle of fun foreplay? Definitely ask if they have "naughty thoughts” about secret desires. Using words like “naughty thoughts” is gentler than diving-in asking about fantasies.

Use what you're already doing to kickstart fantasy-chat. If you're gently rubbing massage oil on them describe lying on a tropical beach and they’re a sexy stranger who comes over to flirt. They begin rubbing suntan oil into you - you end up slipping off for amazing sex. Hopefully such chat will get your partner in the mood for sharing their fantasies.

Variety’s the spice of life - don't always describe the same scenario – can get boring. The whole point of fantasy-sharing is roaming into fresh territory.

Academy Rule No. 2: Students shouldn't upset a partner by describing fantasies of sex with their fave celeb or a hot fantasy about your neighbour! No, no, a 1000 times no - it's very bad bedroom manners. Your partner should feature prominently in your fantasies - at least the ones you share with them.

Here's a checklist every good student memorise:

A healthy fantasy life has benefits:

ü  It helps you escape sexual boredom

ü  You get double the pleasure - you share your secret fantasies and they share theirs

ü  When your partner's away fantasy-chat makes phone-sex more fun

ü  In your private fantasies you can be with anyone - even people you'll never meet like your favourite celeb

ü  Sharing fantasies gives you two fresh ideas to try - like some role-play

ü  It's free!

Your Hot Homework:

Time to apply your new knowledge –

When feeling confident to share your fantasy, describe one that boosts your partner's sexual confidence. Today’s homework is to dream one up ahead of time - then when you're next in bed together whisper, e.g., "You're so gorgeous I fantasise I'm a photographer and you're a model. I chat you up and start undressing you." This type of fantasy makes them feel fab - and that's the point.

One of you is probably more confident so by all means "go first" describing your fantasy. But emphasise you really want to hear theirs. Turn it into a game where you have to guess their fantasy. This can reveal all sorts of juicy stuff to chat about.

Another great game is taking turns deciding the next twist in a fantasy scenario. E.g. you start by describing how you get lost and go into a bar to ask directions. No prize for guessing there’s a really sexy stranger (who looks like your partner - remember your manners!) sitting at the bar who starts chatting you up. Now your partner says what happens next, and so on.

The equation: your fantasies + their fantasies = endless fun in bed!

Test Your Knowledge:

Q: How many under-30s have had sex with a friend - in other words "friends with fringe benefits”- is it:

A/ 66 %

B/ 6 %

C/ 36 %

Test Your Knowledge answer: The correct answer is A/ - one study found a whopping two thirds of under-30s has been more-than-friendly with a friend! The 50+ generation’s at it too - 9% confessing to sex with a friend recently.

Loved-up Celebs:

Kate Moss has joined new hubby Jamie Hince on tour down-under. Like most newlyweds smack in the middle of the honeymoon phase they can't bear to be apart. But it's the transition from hot honeymoon phase to long-term love - with all its ups-and-downs – that’s tricky.

When you feel the fizz and fun fading that's when you should show a little extra love, attention and affection.

Don't neglect each other but be realistic about finding a balance between what you once had - complete ‘hot-ness’. And something lasting - a loving warmth where you occasionally turn up the heat!

Dr Pam’s Position:

This fortnight: The Strip Search –

Perfect to try after the fantasy lesson above. Pretend he's a detective and she's a sexy suspect who needs searching. She leans against a wall, in a standing position, her back to him.

He enters from behind - leaning a hand against the wall for support or wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her tight.

She should keep her high heels on - it's sexy and it makes it easier for him to start the action.

Double her sensations by nuzzling the back of her neck as he gently moves. Plus he can ‘search’ her with his free hand roaming her body.