Dr Pam Spurr

SOS For Your Sex Life!

SOS For Your Sex Life!

What do couples complain about most that ruins their sex life? Stress! And we're certainly living through stressful times now. What’s the second most common culprit for causing them problems between the sheets? Not knowing where to start if they want to try something new.

I'm going to let you into a secret - in the research for my book I asked hundreds of people how often they tried a new sex technique once they were in an established relationship. Guess what? You may be shocked to hear that after the initial "honeymoon period" by far the majority never tried a new technique! Not even one new tip, trick or technique - quite staggering! Around 10 per cent of couples introduced an occasional technique to spice things up but they are the rare minority.

There are simple solutions to this that I want to share with you. One reason for writing my new book Sizzling Sex - The Sex Doctor’s 250 Hottest Tips, Tricks and Techniques is that over and over again when talking to singles and couples I hear the same message: they want simple and easy solutions to sort out their sex lives. And usually because of stress - and not because they've fallen out of love with each other - they figure it's too tricky to try something new and end up staying in the rut they’re in.

So here are some top communication techniques to get you started followed by a selection of sizzling sex tips. I best give you a red hot warning though, some of the tips, tricks and techniques in my book are so hot that I couldn't possibly include them here in a family newspaper!

SOS - Save Our Sex Lives!

 Let's Get The Party Started

Just in case you’re one of the roughly 90 per cent of people I spoke to who haven't tried anything new for a long time then throwing in just the occasional tip, trick or technique can liven up and refresh your sexual relationship. Try these:

* Always start by saying how much you enjoy the way your partner, e.g., “touches your breasts” and then add in what you'd like to try that’s new. This way you make them feel positive about what they’re already doing and more likely to want to try new things.

* You can let your fingers do part of the “talking” and simply start touching your lover in a way that’s suggestive of trying something new. Let your fingers do all the “talking” as you guide your lover's hands to new erogenous zones or, say, during penetrative sex slip the vibrator you two sometimes play with between you for extra pleasure during thrusting.

* Introduce a new tip, trick or technique as a little sex game. Get out some dice and suggest that each number represents some new thing to try.

* Try asking your lover what “secret” sexy things they fantasise about. Reassure them that you want to hear what they think about and that’ll open up the chance for you to talk about your secret desires.

* Use birthdays, anniversaries and other special days as a time to say you've got something special you want to do to your lover. Make out like you’re giving them their own special pleasure for the event – even though you’ll benefit too.

* When talking about trying something new never use a tone that suggests you’re completely bored with the "same old thing" you two have been doing together.

* Show them Sizzling Sex while casually chatting and have fun opening a random page agreeing that you'll try a sex tip from it.

* Enjoy an occasional "refresher" weekend for you both get away from it all. Use that as the perfect time to try a new tip, trick or technique. Simply being in different surroundings makes people more likely to be a bit daring.

SOS: Tips for Her Pleasure: do you ever wonder what would really excite her? You might be surprised that some of the most explosive tips are the simplest! Here are a few of my top tips for turning her on:

Breast Appeal

The majority of men have a thing for women's breasts. And they give their lover's breasts loads of attention at the beginning of foreplay but then forget about them. You really miss a trick by stopping stimulating them particularly when she's near her climax! What men forget is the fact that they can truly enhance her orgasm by re-stimulating her breasts at that point.

If you really want to please her then put aside your own pleasure when you know she's coming towards hers. Begin to caress and kiss her nipples again at this moment. And if you're giving her oral pleasure then reach one hand up to pull at them, and tease, them while she orgasms.

Fabulous Feathering

This technique is one of the most erotic and pleasurable you can use on her. All you need is some massage oil, a feather, and her willingness to lie back. You can use this tip when you've been kissing and caressing and want to take brings a bit further.

Have her lie back and gently remove her top if it's not already off! Take some massage oil between your hands and warm it up. Now gently stroke it down her chest, breasts and tummy. Then taking a clean feather that you can get from an artist supply shop or an adult shop, swirl the tip of it through the oil. You can swirl it back and forth across her chest and breasts moving it through the oil. Then gently tease her nipples with the tip of it by circling them and ensuring there’s plenty of lovely oil to smooth the way of the feather tip.

Work on down her body and ask her to part her legs. Using more massage oil to lubricate the inside of her thighs next run the tip of the feather up and down, and around and around this entire erogenous zone. This technique really heightens sensual pleasure because it builds anticipation that's not satisfied through the technique but will guarantee she's well on her way to sexual arousal.

Sexy Stockings

Most men love good old-fashioned stockings. If she's gone to the trouble to slip into some sexy stockings for your pleasure then use this tip to turn her on. After you two have enjoyed some foreplay and if time for those stockings and suspenders to come off than unclip the stockings from the suspenders. This works equally well if they’re hold up stockings - the kind that you don't wear the suspenders.

Now very slowly begin to slip her stockings down and as you do so kiss along the path they take with your lips. Begin at her upper thigh and inch-by-inch, as you roll down the stockings, plant tender little kisses. She'll love this erotic trick and will probably more than happy to slip and stockings whenever you ask.

Eastern swirl and poke

Legend has it that great lovers of the East used this kiss to arouse their lover's passion. Amazing sensations are created by moving back and forth between the swirling action and the poking action.

Of course you can begin by using it as a kiss - as you French kiss you start moving your tongue in a swirling action around her tongue and then you gently poke the inside of her mouth with the tip of your tongue. Moving between the swirling and poking arouses lots of tingling sensations in her mouth.

But let's move on to stimulating her body! Imagine using your tongue in this way on her nipples. First you swirl the tip of your tongue around her nipples’ areola and then use that to subtly and gently poke her erect nipple. Move between these two sensations and it will feel fabulous to her. Now move down her body to her belly button and swirl around and around the edge of the delicate skin of her belly button. Then gently poke your tongue into her belly button: a much neglected erogenous zone! You can also use the swirl and poke when she's lying on her stomach and you've traced a line down her back and swirl your tongue where her buttocks meet to form the cleft at the base of her spine. Swirl this little indented area and then gently poke at it.

To do something incredibly sexy with the swirl and poke technique, make sure she's just come out of a bath or shower so her feet are clean. Then swirl your tongue around the tip of one of her toes before gently poking between her toes. She'll think you're an amazing lover!  

Discover Her Pleasure Map

Every lover has uncharted territory when it comes to their erogenous zones. Part of the excitement in getting-to-know your lover is discovering her pleasure zones that have been neglected or rarely touched. One way of discovering her pleasure map is to tell her that you don't want to have full sex at this point. Instead that you're on a journey of discovery!

Ask her to lie back ensuring she's warm and comfortable. It becomes a sensual game when you ask her to rate from one to 10 the different areas that you touch: one being the least pleasurable and 10 being the most pleasurable sensation.

Beginning at her scalp, try difference stroking and touching techniques and get her feedback. Then continue right down her entire body, one pleasure zone at a time. Or you might decide to simply do one area of her body at a time. Another time you might explore her back and buttocks. And yet another time, her legs, feet and toes.

Crank Up The Missionary

The standard Missionary position is very satisfying to many couples particularly when they add in a little extra technique to make it more interesting. Of course the classic Missionary is with the man lying on top of her and in between her legs.

I think the most fabulous tip for invigorating and cranking up the sensuality of the Missionary is done very simply. Are you have to do is reach around under one of her bottom with your hand. She can bend her leg at the knee slightly lifting this bum. Tease this sexy area with your finger tips as you move.

The Sexy Sponge Bath

Believe me she will be completely indebted to you if you take charge of giving her an experience to remember during oral sex. This is an incredibly sensual and erotic technique to use. You could either start your foreplay by doing this or if you've been enjoying foreplay ask her to lie back and relax. Turn the lighting down low or simply do this by candlelight.

Go to the bathroom and run some warm water into a clean basin. Have a fresh, clean and soft face cloth to the ready. Ask her to part her legs as you give her this sexy sponge bath. Gently stroke her down below with the clean, warm and wet face cloth. Tell her she looks gorgeous and is going to taste lovely. This will build her confidence, as many women fear that they won't taste fresh during oral sex. Do this as if you're treasuring her most private place. Make her feel that she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. After the sponge bath you can begin giving her oral sex!

Hot And Cold Pleasure

Although this might be a little trick to definitely use in hotter weather don't shy off trying it if you’re in a nice, warm room together despite it being winter outside. Have a tumbler of ice cubes by the bedside. First, with the warmth of your lips and tongue, lick and kiss her private pleasure zones. Then take an ice-cube between your fingertips and trace a line along these sensitive areas.

Next warm up this area through the heat of your lips and tongue again. Go back to giving her a little oral pleasure before taking the ice-cube and again gently tracing along her pleasure zones. Repeat this as many times as she wants. The alternating sensations of the cold ice and your hot lips are incredibly sexy. Usually going through the sequence once is the perfect tease before getting down to the fun of bringing her to climax through oral sex.

Across The Bridge

This is a wonderful technique for giving her a new sensation. Let's say you're in the middle of foreplay and decide to give her oral sex. When you're ready to go down on her you can gently pull her legs apart. Then move yourself down so that you're lying sideways on to her hips. Rest one of your hands flat on her pubic bone and use this to carefully pull the entire area of the flesh on her pubic mound upwards. You can then use your other hand between her legs to sensually touch her. Now for your tongue - you can lap it sideways across her creating a whole new feeling for her. That's because usually men lie between a woman's legs in one position or another, and so lap up and over her. This sideways angle in "across the bridge" is both teasing and pleasing in equal measures!

The Pelvic Rub

Her pelvic area has all sorts of interconnections with her genitals. Many lovers don't realise this and so fail to stimulate this area that once caressed and rubbed subtly leads to stimulating her in the most amazing way.

Surprise her with this unique knowledge by using the following trick. When she's lying back comfortably and you're going to go down on her that's the time to try the pelvic rub. Think of the area a few inches below her belly button and a couple inches above her pubic mound. With one hand place your index and middle fingers together and lie them on this pelvic region. Apply a little pressure and slowly massage up and down and in circular motions. Keep the massage just to this region; don't let your fingers stray much further. While you're doing this you'll be lying between her legs giving her oral sex, or you can do this in the “across the bridge” position described above. The combination of the pelvic rub and oral sex should give her a fantastic climax.

A Heavenly Handful
This is a sensation she’ll probably never have experienced! She should be lying comfortably and you should be kneeling above her. Sensuously spread her legs. Now with lashings of lubricant on your hands, move your fingers together and keep your hands lightly cupped. Using a sensual movement alternate moving your right and left hands up and down. Start at her pubic bone with one hand sweeping down over her genitalsand inner thighs while the other hand starts from her perineum and sweeps upwards. You should be using gentle but large sweeping movements as your hands pass each other in opposite directions.

Not only is she completely exposed with her legs open arousing you but she’ll be highly aroused by the gentle alternating movements between your hands that covers her entire genital region. It takes a fair amount of trust on her part unless you have the lights down low.

Love Bud And Other Oral Sex Nicknames

People get so freaked out about oral sex. They worry if they're doing it right, they worry if they're doing it for long enough, they worry what it means when their lover starts pressing their head and guiding it this way or that. To take some of the worry out of giving her oral sex, give her a fun or raunchy nickname for her clitoris, vagina or labia.

Use your imagination! You could call her clitoris anything from "the love bud" to "the mouse's nose". I’ve heard of people calling their lover's genitals anything from the "hot hole" to "Mandy"! Be creative and make it something meaningful to both of you to giggle about but obviously don't choose anything offensive that in any way implies that she looks unattractive, etc. So think before you speak her new nickname.

SOS - Tips for His Pleasure: would you like to turn your man on in a way he's never experienced then try my top tips!

Fantasy Chat 

Believe me, he'll have a sizzling fantasy life even if he doesn't tell you about it. It's the creative and spontaneous lover who gets the most sex. When something mundane happens like the tap starts leaking in the kitchen then say to him how you'd like him to be your "handyman" and fix more than your taps.

By taking an everyday event and sprinkling some fantasy ideas into a conversation about it, you may end up rolling into bed when you least expect it!

Delicious Detail

Never underestimate the importance of delicious detail when it comes to arousing him with fantasy-chat. Because you might feel uneasy about introducing some topics when thinking about fantasies what you can do is sprinkle in lots of little details at the beginning of a fantasy theme. This will grab his attention and you'll love the fact you want to discuss fantasies.

For example, if you're dying to share your fantasy with him being a dirty police detective that wants to have his wicked way with you, make sure you begin by describing how hunky he is. You'd like him to act the "big I am" being a bit full of himself as a senior detective. He'd question you and flick open the top button on your blouse. His fingertips would skim against your nipples, etc., I think you get the message!

Doggy Style Delight

Doggy style is a favourite position with many couples. It's quite earthy and guys love the fact they can look at your beautiful bottom! A fantastic little tip is to add in the finger-tip vibrator. Slip it onto your finger before you get into doggy style. Once you both start moving reach between your legs and stroke between his legs with a vibrator. He'll enjoy the vibrating sensations as he moves. Suggest that he slows down so that with every move you stroke him with the vibrator.

Sexiest Spooning

The Spoons position is where you’re both lying on your sides and he lies behind you. You can do two things to really sex this up for him. First you can reach through between your thighs and stroke and found on him as he moved gently. Second you can lift your upper leg slightly up, or slightly down putting more pressure on him, slightly forward or slightly backward to give him lots of different sensations during penetration.

Tether Me

There are all sorts of ways to enjoy a little gentle bondage with each other. Men love a bit of bondage when they’re the ones "tied" as it lets them relax out of the dominant role. Here's a fun little trick to try. Take a silky dressing-gown cord or one of his neck ties and ask him to sit on a chair. Tie him to it -- not with knots but with a bow! That way you can untie him easily. Now you can really tease him by touching him where ever you want, flaunting your body just out of his reach and talking a little bit dirty to him.

Pulsating PC Muscles

This will give him really hot sensations during sex. Learn to squeeze your PC muscles -- the muscles that would stop you spending a penny if you needed to. During penetration do one big squeeze and hold it for a couple seconds before letting go. Repeat this every 10 or 20 seconds. He'll absolutely love it!

Strangers In The Night

One of my top recommended fantasies is Strangers In the Night. It's very easy to set up and he’ll really enjoy it. Take charge and send him a sexy e-mail asking him to meet you for a rendezvous at a bar that neither of you has ever been to. In your e-mail tell him that you’re going to pretend to be a sexy stranger that flirts with him. Give yourself a different name for your role as the mysterious stranger.

When you both arrive at the rendezvous really get into some fantasy play. This is the moment to say all the seductive or even dirty things you’ve fantasised about saying to a handsome stranger. You can even take on a slightly different personality to make this fantasy sex-play extra powerful. The next step is to suggest a one-night stand by telling him you’ll do everything his heart desires. Believe me you two will have sizzling sex that night!

Oriental Body Massage

Men absolutely love the sensation of the softness of a woman's skin against theirs. It contrasts so much with their own skin - often hairier and rougher - that it immediately makes them appreciate the difference in the female body. You can heighten his appreciation of your skin by giving him an oriental body massage.

You can do this at any time during foreplay but whenever he's ended up on his back is a good time. Raise yourself up on your arms and allow your naked breasts to gently swish across his chest. Then move downwards so they skim his stomach and hips. Then you can move on top of him in a sort of ‘push up’ position and glide your entire body, from your hips to your breasts, across his. You can continue to kiss him while you do this or whisper sexy things in his ear while you skim your body in different ways across his. You can also do this by asking him to lie on his stomach - again without his clothes on - and skim your naked body across his back and bottom.

Thai Hair Massage
Thailand is notorious for its sex trade. Thankfully it’s not all seedy and sordid and there are some high quality erotic experiences that the masseuses give their clients. One of these is the Thai Hair Massage.

You can use this technique on him in the beginning of foreplay or later on to slow things down as it's a very sensual experience but not one that’ll bring him to climax unless he has a hair fetish! Ask him to lie back or if you've been kissing and caressing gently push him so that he's in that position and pull yourself up over him. If it's not already off, help him get his shirt off. Lean over and let the ends of your hair swish back and forth across his chest and abdomen. Keep it out of his face - that's not very sexy! Again you can alternate this with a fingertip massage before going back to using your hair. Also ask him to turn over onto his stomach and continue stimulating his skin by swishing your hair across his back and even his buttocks.

Million Dollar Vibrations

You definitely need to know where his ‘million-dollar spot’ is for this tip. This is located between his legs and at about the centre of his perineum. Men vary in sensitivity at different points on this erogenous zone so you need to find the exact spot that gives him the most pleasure. The million-dollar spot is located over his prostate and so when you stimulate this part of his skin it actually puts pressure on his prostate.

You can stroke this area with your fingertips and sensually ask him which part of it feels best. Then take a vibrator, using it on low-speed, and gently circle his million-dollar spot with it. As always with vibrators use a lubricant to make it a sexier vibe! Most men love this trick once they've been introduced to it although some may be a little bit inhibited at first by the idea of you using a vibrator in this area.

SOS - Orgasm Guaranteed!

Here are three sizzling tips to guarantee her that elusive orgasm:

Coital Alignment Bliss

The C.A.T. or coital alignment technique is a fantastic position to use particularly if she finds reaching orgasm difficult. It works best if she's on top and she should shimmy an inch up so that she can “grind” her clitoris into your pubic bone. She can either have her legs in-between yours or outside yours. The beauty of this position is that she can control the pressure and friction and get exactly the clitoral stimulation she needs to reach climax.

To give added pleasure you can slip your fingers between your two pubic areas. Ask her what feels best - whether you use one or two or more fingers inserted here. Now you can apply gentle circular pressure about three inches below her belly button to this area. As she's moving against your pubic bone, and you’re stimulating with your fingers between your two bodies slightly above her pubic mound, she'll get immense pleasure.

Venus Vibrations

Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes. If you're not feeling very experimental, and haven't used vibrators, you should simply go for one of the basic vibrator shapes. Even the basic vibrators usually have a few speed variations from slow to fast. Before you use it with this little trick for her pleasure get to know how it feels on your own hand.

When you've been enjoying a little sex-play get out your lubricant and gently cover her lower tummy and Mons Venus (pubic mound) with it. Now take the vibrator and start with it on its lowest setting. Rather than using the vibrator with the end of it touching her skin, lay it almost flat along her pubic bone and start to move it back and forth so you cover quite a large area with its vibrating side. Vibrating across her pubic mound and lower tummy in this way will drive her nuts because it stimulates the deeper part of her most sensitive place.

“V” Is For Victory

This is a favourite technique, as not only is it incredibly simple but also I've never come across a woman that didn't get incredibly aroused by it. Even for a woman who has difficulty getting aroused it can work wonders. It's a real teasing sensation that the man can do for as long as she desires.

Imagine that the man uses his index and middle fingers to form a classic V-sign. However he doesn't close his thumb and outer two fingers into his palm. They simply relax outwards away from the V-sign. Now he slips the V-sign over her pubic mound, moving his two fingertips downwards (towards her perineum/bottom) so that his index finger "covers" one of her labia and his middle finger "covers" her other labia. He only slips them down over her labia to roughly the point that her clitoris ends up in line with his finger joints nearest to the palm of his hand. The placement is important so that as he moves his V-sign lightly forwards and backwards skimming her labia, her clitoris is not really touched by the palm of his hand at the base of his fingers. In this way her clitoris never gets fully stimulated but instead her clitoral region generally is stimulated, getting maximum teasing (!) and that arouses her clitoris.

He can keep this gentle rocking-action going as long as she can take it - many women and begging to have full sex because it's such a teasing sensation.