Dr Pam Spurr

The Secrets of Seduction

The Secrets of Seduction

Here's some easy little seduction strategies to try

As many singles tell me they long to attract someone into their life as couples tell me they wish they could keep the romance alive. Surprisingly, the secrets for seducing a new partner are similar to keeping your long-term partner seduced.

Sarah, 37, a well-regarded deputy headmistress, is typical of a Singleton who longs for a committed relationship. She’s met some potential partners but seems to fall down on maintaining their interest. And Janice and William, a couple in their mid-40s, are typical of a couple who have a good friendship but the spark’s long since gone from their marriage. They feel they're missing something.

Both will benefit from knowing there's much they can do to initially attract a new partner, as well as keeping the love alive in the long-term.

Whether you've been together one week or 20 years, the following secrets of seduction hold true:

It's all in the mind: Never forget that seduction’s all in the mind. Your aim is to seduce that special person's mind. If their mind isn't concentrated on you, you don't stand a chance. So make sure you're in a distraction-free zone when you're trying to work your magic. Whether the first date, or 10 year anniversary, only meet somewhere with relaxing background music. Subtle lighting also won't distract their attention.

Before-play: Forget foreplay and concentrate on Before-play! People get hung up on the physical side of foreplay but for seduction to be successful think in terms of Before-play - and that is to set the scene. This means ironing out any difficulties if you're in a relationship before your candlelit dinner. Don't raise the fact there are bills to pay, or criticise your partner over minor irritations. And if you're just getting to know them, don't arrive completely stressed from work so all they pick up on is your preoccupation with deadlines and your boss. You need to be calm, confident and in control - making sure those feelings set a positive scene for seduction.

Be interested: Never let shyness or nerves get in the way of being interested in that new person and what they have to say. Turn the spotlight on them and listen attentively. Likewise make sure the stuff-of-life doesn't get in the way of you being interested in your long-term partner’s feelings, their day, hopes and dreams, etc. Without sounding like an interrogation you need to ask in an interested and caring way about things that matter to them. They'll feel seduced by this depth of attention.

Be interesting: It's also terribly important you have something to say from the start of your relationship and throughout a relationship. Hardly anything’s sexier than an interesting person who's got lots going on in their life. You have your opinions, your points of view, your thoughts and ideas plus you want to share them. It keeps your own mind alive, as well as relationships lively, when you're happy to share what’s interesting about you - making you a special and seductive person.

Dare to say it: Romance and seduction falters in both new and mature love when you’re frightened to say what you’d like to try. It's the way you say something that makes it seductive! Relationship research shows that lowering your vocal tone slightly plus speaking in a slightly slower manner is seductive to the human ear. So if you want to flatter that special person, or suggest something once you're in bed then dare to say it.

Dare to do it: The most successful seducers are those who get out there and do things with the person they’re attracted to or love. They break the routine and get creative by suggesting things to get out and try. And when they're in the bedroom they don't let fear and anxiety hold them back from trying the things they find sexy.

The 007-Technique: There’s nothing wrong and everything right about making him feel he’s your very own James Bond. Complimenting him on his masculine traits will keep him feeling romantically and sexually confident. This goes for out of the bedroom as well as in it. So if he gets out his toolbox and fixes that pesky shelf, make a meal out of saying how much you appreciate his skills. When in bed with him, comment on his strengths - and I use the word ‘strengths’ loosely - it can reflect some little technique he does well.

Vulnerability is very seductive: Relationship research shows those who develop or have the deepest relationships are those who can make themselves vulnerable. Because ironically when you show your vulnerabilities you also show your strength. It takes strength of character to allow someone in to your heart - because it might contain worries and fears. By doing so you signal to them that you’re building trust, or have trust, in them. Beware the difference between vulnerability and dependency! You can open your heart and bring them closer to you without being overly dependent and emotional - a turnoff to seduction particularly early on.

The seduction shopping list: A few key items will enhance your seductive skills. Have one outfit you feel sexually confident in, a selection of candles to hand or soft lighting, mood-music on, and some seductive mood-food - any tasty little finger foods you can hand-feed each other!

Published in The Express Newspaper