Dr Pam Spurr

Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb?

Making Compromises or Being under Someone's Thumb? Some thoughts -

1. What'a the difference between making compromises in a relationship and being 'under the thumb'?

"There's a vast difference between making compromises in a relationship and being under a woman's thumb. Making compromises involves 1. developing good communication about an issue and 2. then negotiating a middle ground that suits both people. Being under the thumb involves the inability to assert yourself to find that middle ground. This means you acquiesce to a woman's demands with no concern for your own it needs. Ultimately she won't respect you for it and you'll feel very bitter towards her."

2. What sort of relationship sacrifice is a sacrifice too far? (eg quittingsmoking/ditching a friend/getting an Ikea loyalty card to keep the missus sweet)

"Making sacrifices in a relationship is inevitable if a relationship’s going to work. However some sacrifices feel very one-sided and you have to look at whether they benefit both partners and in what way. For example, giving up smoking may feel tough but ultimately benefits both you and her from both health and sexiness perspectives. However, e.g. giving up an old friend she doesn't "get on with" is another matter. Instead of sacrificing the friendship you should both be looking to compromise. Perhaps you spend less time with that friend while she does her own thing on those evenings."

3. Why do men submit themselves to underthethumbness? (eg avoiding arguments/desire to be mothered) - and why is this a bad idea?

"There are a number of psychological and emotional reasons why men submit themselves to being under her thumb. The two most common being wanting to have "a quiet life" and simply not having the communication skills to deal with the situation. Many men have enough conflict in their places of work that in their personal life they simply want things to be done and dusted and "quiet". A man who chooses this route may not be particularly frustrated with this relationship dynamic. However with the second main reason, men who simply don't know how to communicate their needs may end up angry and bitter, and start behaving in a passive-aggressive fashion towards their partner. Finally some men submit to their partner’s demands when a relationship takes on a mother-child dynamic. This works for some couples and for others it causes a variety of problems."