Dr Pam Spurr

Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd...

Does Your Relationship Need Resuscitation? Welcome to the crowd if you feel your relationship took a battering over the last month or so. Unfortunately the huge responsibility that goes with providing your family a festive Christmas and making the best of the New Year takes its toll even on relatively strong relationships.

Take my quick quiz to see if your relationship has been damaged:

1/ How do you now feel about the help your partner gave you over Christmas?

A/ He was a star - couldn't ask for more

B/ It was okay with a bit of cajoling

C/ I seethe when I think of the lack of it

 2/ Have you had any time for intimacy over the last few weeks?

A/ Yes we managed to squeeze in some intimacy

B/ We had some affectionate moments but could’ve done with more

C/ I would’ve considered myself lucky if I'd even had a peck under the mistletoe!

3/ How would you describe the gift your partner gave you?

A/ Very thoughtful - was really pleased with it

B/ It was a nice thought

C/ It was obviously a last-minute rush job

4/ When it came to compromising over how you spent time together – you’d say -

A/ We definitely managed good compromise

B/ We made some compromises

C/ There wasn't any compromise

5/ How much have you rowed since Christmas?

A/ Not at all despite some stress

B/ As much as the next couple

C/ It was awful, with lots of tension

6/ Do you feel closer together or more distance since Christmas?

A/ Definitely closer together

B/ About the same as before the holidays

C/ I feel so distant from him

7/ How do you feel about the coming year?

A/ Like we're a real team

B/ I feel we could pull harder together

C/ We’re not facing it together at all, feel completely alone

Three or more A answers but no C answers: No Relationship Resuscitation Required
 You've obviously worked as a team over the Christmas period and New Year so your relationship hasn't suffered. You undoubtedly find compromise can be negotiated and both appreciate the effort the other makes. This puts you in a great position to face things this year! But still see the advice below in case you pick up a tip or two.

Three or more B answers plus no more than one C answer: Moderate Relationship Resuscitation Required

You undoubtedly care for each other but may not always show it. Typical to the Christmas and post-Christmas season, you might’ve taken each other for granted a bit or found it hard to maintain the peace with the seasonal stresses and strains. See the advice below.

Two or more C answers: Emergency Relationship Resuscitation Required!

Resentment has built and you may feel isolated within your relationship. Once you've hit your relationship rock bottom it's terribly important to take action now. Follow these five Golden rules to resuscitate your relationship now:

1/ Set Boundaries on the Past

Once resentment builds over Christmas and New Year's, couples typically get into a negative cycle of going over the same old ground about who helped, who slacked off, who did this, and who didn't do that, etc. Recriminations fly about the same old issues. Suggest to your partner that you both set a boundary on the last couple weeks. Agree not to throw the other’s misdemeanours back in their faces. Instead talk about how helpful it’d be to set a boundary now and start afresh.

2/ Rediscover Each Other

It's been the same old grind undoubtedly for a while and particularly over Christmas and New Year's Stresses, strains and demands have got in the way of you two seeing each other as worthy partners. It’s urgent that you rediscover what you love about the other. Take a few moments to reflect on what life really would be like without the other - no laughing together over a sitcom, no shared mugs of tea after a shop-up, no hugs when you've had a hard day. If you really think about it you may find it's a long list of the little differences you make to each other's lives.

3/ To Compromise is Wise

Now think carefully about the demands you make on your relationship and your partner. Do you like to have things your way? Do you like to do certain things and perhaps ignore what they would like to do? If you're honest with yourself you might find there are some key things you should be compromising over. Resolve to do that!

4/ Learn How to Argue "Well"

Every couple argues but it's a wise couple that argues well. That means not flinging nasty names at each other, knowing when to take ‘time out’ if things are getting heated, allowing the other to speak, and really listening to what the other says.

5/ Forgiveness Is Key

Forgiveness in a relationship is a wonderful thing. Of course you shouldn't forgive something as serious as abuse, but rather the smaller things that we all do. For instance, sometimes acting like the world revolves around us, not noticing when our partner is in need of support, being forgetful and perhaps less affectionate. Forgiving these little things, after discussing them, goes a long way to strengthening your bond and resuscitating your love.

An article similar to this by the published in the Express Newspaper