Dr Pam Spurr

Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines!

 Get Some Va Va Va-voom for Valentines!

Calling all singles to help put some sparkle into your love-search!

 From my work as a date coach and relationship expert I've come across all sorts of problems that prevent singles from finding love. But probably the biggest - and most key - problem is having a lack lustre, downbeat, "I'll never find love" type of attitude. Such attitudes immediately put an invisible barrier between you and potential partners.

Here are a host of techniques to help you put the sparkle back in your love-search:

Increased exposure -

Because of a lacklustre approach to their love life many singles stop being creative about where they might meet someone. They think, "why bother trying new places? I never meet anyone!" Of course you won't with that attitude. You need to increase your exposure to potential new partners. Every week think of one new place to go to chill out, see an exhibition, or meet up with friends.

Get out of your comfort zone –

Force yourself out of that safe and comfortable zone that is your life. Make a point of saying Yes to new opportunities and challenges where ever they come from. Does your manager need someone to give a presentation and everyone is being shy? Go for it! Will you go back to the same holiday destination you've gone to for the last five summers or try somewhere new? Definitely bring on the new! Getting out of the comfort zone in all areas of your life gives you a sense that you can do anything you want - including finding love.

Improve flirting –

Flirting makes the world a really fun place to be. A cheeky smile, a lovely compliment, and a ready giggle can improve your flirting power. Think about the famous women that you think are fabulous flirts - anyone from Angelina Jolie to Mylene Klasss might be your idea of a great flirt - adopt some of their attitude as your own.

Check positivity -

It's easy to read this article today and strike out with a new attitude to finding love. Then you get a knock back (a good-looking man you smile at it ignores you, the person you had a date with doesn't ring you again, etc.) and you start slipping back to your downbeat and lacklustre ways. Do a regular positivity check and ask yourself if you’re still being bold, ready for a flirt and generally sparkling?

Your own mascot-of-love –

I’m a firm believer that quirky little techniques can go a long way to help you. Select a mascot - someone you admire and who is successful in love - pop them on your shoulder so to speak and have them stay with you throughout your day. They'll be there cheering you on your best flirt forward!

Music to inspire you –

Study after study shows the power of music. It can alter your mood by uplifting it, depressing it, and all points in between. Before you leave for your office in the morning or go out in the evening play your favourite uplifting music. It goes without saying it should be on your iPod to keep you brimming with the right kind of love-attracting energy.

Know thyself –

It's absolutely critical to know what’s going on in your own heart and mind to understand how this might be holding you back in your love-search.  It's crucial to examine your reasons for wanting love and these may not be that obvious until you think them through. Your reason could be holding you back because it’ll sure show in everything you do!

For example, are you lonely and think that finding a partner will cure this? Or maybe you desperately want children and so need to find a partner? How about that you believe you have a great life to share? It could be any point in between these very different things! But if you’re lonely or desperate for a child this may well come across in a way that's off-putting to potential partners. You might not even realise that you're throwing your love of babies in to conversation on the first date, etc! It’d be quite a different story, say, if you love your life and want to share it that may come across positively and you should emphasise how much you do enjoy yourself.

Conversation starters and conversation stoppers -

Be aware of how much you say is an immediate giveaway of either positive or negative things about yourself. When you first meet a "Mr Potential" definitely chat about the things that are good, fun and positive in your life. Conversation starters that are unlikely to put someone off include general questions about how he knows the host (if you're at someone's party), did he have far to come, and anything that relates to something you've just seen, heard or read - have you got so-and-so's CD? Because most people listen to a little music or at least appreciate it. Or, have you seen… and mention a new film that’s out because everyone can chat about their favourite or least favourite films.

Conversation stoppers include asking if they’re "attached", mentioning that you've just broken up with someone and then droning on about your ex, the credit crunch (unless you're both in finance its a conversation stopper!), the price of anything like how much the event you're both attending would cost, and too much sexual innuendo!

And finally you can't go far wrong keeping your eyes open for spontaneous opportunities to flash a nice smile and ask that attractive looking person in the work canteen queue whether they’ve ever tried the canteen special. Research shows it's simple meetings like that which blossom into love given half a chance.

Published in the Express Newspaper