Dr Pam Spurr

Lusting after Another Love...

Lusting after Another Love...I wasn't particularly surprised when an acquaintance, Jill, [all personal details changed] told me she occasionally thought about a man at her gym in a lustful way. I didn't think she was about to run away with him. It was more a case of a half-hearted "Oh really?" because she has a lovely husband, great job and two children.

You'd be surprised how many people lust after another person while in a relationship. But some let it go at that having only a few passing thoughts about how fanciable that person is. Whereas others will start taking their relationship for granted while dwelling on this other person.

Either way it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to have an affair or even flirt with that person. But it doesn't stop them from having a secret little world thinking about what they’d be like.

This is something I hear frequently like from a client Tessa, 35. Although she wanted coaching over career issues she mentioned in conversation that she often thought about an attractive colleague. It didn't trouble her too much because she loved her live-in partner but she did wonder if it flagged up anything from her subconscious – Tessa wondered if flagged up any doubts, frustrations, etc. ??

After chatting about this I think Tessa felt reassured. We discussed how it seemed to be a natural interest most people experience at some point. I believe it boils down to a part of our biology where as long as we have even a little bit of sexual energy we become curious about the potential partners around us. No matter we've got an actual partner at home. For most it's a case of mildly diverting daydreaming but not about making it a reality.

The problems begin if you allow that passing bit of interest to develop into tingly feelings of excitement whenever that person crosses your path. Or if you actively start flirting with them whenever you have the opportunity. That's a different issue altogether and probably a warning that your daydreaming may be taking a dangerous turn.

An edited version of this was published in The Times