Dr Pam Spurr

Understanding Men

Understanding Men

Let's get to know men a little bit better. Knowledge is power after all!

How A Man Thinks –

In some ways men are more complicated than we think and in others more straightforward. Confused? Read on! Men are more complicated because we often don't give them credit for thinking through things that we believe only women think through. For example, we assume they don't give much thought to what they want in a long-term relationship, or what they think about the women they meet, or monitoring if they’re falling in love or it's just a fling, and other such issues. But they do think about these things. It's just that "male thinking" tends to be more straightforward. They do NOT take such relationship things and think through the "A-to-Z of possibilities" the way we do. Instead their thinking is more goal-directed with an "A-to-B type" approach.

"A-to-B type" approach -

For example, they spot a woman and are aware very quickly that they DO feel attracted to her but WITHOUT weighing up a huge number of factors that a woman might think about when she clocks a man in a bar. A woman might look at his friends and analyse them. She might also be more aware of his clothing - and make judgements about him based on this. She might consider things like, "Do I have enough time to chat to/show interest in this man who looks attractive?" Etc. We think through a million thoughts at that initial phase of attraction! A man, on the other hand, is less likely to over analyse or "dress up" his initial attraction or interest. He will look at a woman's friends (unless it's a daunting hen party of outrageously drunk women!) or consider how much time is left before last orders.

Goal-directed thinking -

Another example of "male thinking" that's critical to initial attraction and the potential to get something going is that is by far the majority of men will not be interested in game-playing. Yes, they’ll respond well to flirting and will flirt back. Yes, they’re attracted to interesting and confident women. However on the whole they'd like to keep things goal-directed and straightforward. That means if he asks you if you want to meet up again (because let's just say you've met in a bar situation) then he really does want a straightforward answer, yes or no. A man doesn't want awkward moments of indecision or what he perceives to be indecision. A man wants a clear and definite signal that you are - or are not - interested in meeting up again. Which leads us on to the next phase of a man's thinking - he's not thinking any further than that, believe me. He’ll have reached his goal if you say Yes or No to meeting up. He's not thinking ahead to whether or not he wants to have babies with you - which I'm afraid many women it would be quickly assessing at that first encounter - and it's too early to think about his babies at that point.

To summarise "male thinking" -

Men are thoughtful, intelligent creatures but they don't tend to over-analyse situations, assess more than their immediate goal, or look too far into the future.

Reading His Body-Language –
The chemistry between two people is fascinating. I'm sure you’ve been surprised at times when looking at a couple and thinking, "how on earth did they get together? They look so ill-suited!" this is becomes personal chemistry is determined by many factors. And that personal chemistry is guided by non-verbal communication - body-language signals.

Non-verbal communication accounts for about 93 per cent of all communication. It's terribly important in the communication between two potential partners.

There are some very straightforward signs to look for that show either a man's interested in you and signalling this, or that they're not that bothered about you.

Signs of interest –
He gives you the "triple take" - glances once, glances twice, and then either holds your eye-contact or smiles; he pulls his posture up fairly confidently to confidently; he might loop his fingers into his pockets or belt loop in a subconscious gesture to guide your eye-line down toward his "masculinity". He uses the male "saunter" - that masculine walk (slight swagger) if he's walking towards you. Once chatting he closes your personal spaces by "bridging" between you (e.g. touching your forearm as he speaks); he uses the "Slide" where he moves his fingers up and down his glass; he uses the "screen" when he moves in slightly nearer and screens you off from other potential male competitors with his upper body. At this point he stops flicking his eyes around the room in a sub-conscious search for other attractive women.

Signs that he's not interested -

If once you two are engaged in conversation he continually looks around, e.g., every time the door opens as someone new enters the bar - this means he's only partly interested a you and is keeping his options open. He asks you a question and when you start answer his gaze drifts off, or he interrupts your answer with something else. You two sit down and his feet and legs point away from you (even if his upper body is twisted towards you) a subconscious signal that he's looking for a way out of the situation. He appears easily distracted during a conversation - listen to your intuition - he's not really in to the conversation! Finally, he half-heartedly asks for your phone number - no enthusiasm or real interest - again listen to your intuition as it's there for good reason telling you he’s simply not that interested.

What He Says And What He Means –
Once you're getting to know a man a little you can start gauging his interest/intentions by what he says and working out what he really means. Sometimes with good intentions and sometimes with not-so-good intentions men will say something when they mean something else. Just as you might try to soften the blow when telling someone something that could be perceived as a negative, men too will put a spin on things. They think it's easier on both of you to put things a certain way, or they want to spare your feelings or to spare their own embarrassment.

Examples to look for include:

He says he'll "call you soon" actually means he's not particularly interested or he'd specify a window of time like he'll "call you in the next day or two" or even "tomorrow".

He explains that he's not been in touch because he's been "very busy" and what he means is that at this point you don't factor very high on his list of important things. We’re all busy nowadays and if you're really interested you text, e-mail or phone someone.

He says he can’t meet up with you because he's got "so much on". Again if someone's keen they’ll make room in their diary even to share a glass of wine or cup of coffee.

On the positive side:
If he texts you within two days of meeting you, it he then calls/texts regularly, and makes a date - those are obviously all positives. Even when a man clearly gives signals by saying and doing such things too many women (who are feeling vulnerable about dating) doubt every little action or every little word in a text. Keep reminding yourself that to a man sending a straightforward text, making a straightforward date, and getting on with it is the goal.

Actions speak louder than words -

The most important rule when it comes to what he says and what he means is this: does what he says match his behaviour? For example, does he ring you when he say he will? Is he on time when he sets a certain time? Does he show up with his friends when he tells you he's coming on his own? Women are very good at picking up the discrepancy between what he says and what he does but don't listen to their intuition when it notices this. Where do you think the saying "actions speak louder than words" comes from? It comes from the wisdom that what someone does really is the most important thing.