Dr Pam Spurr

Dating after a break-up

Dating after a break-up

1/ The best way to gauge the right time to start dating again is when you're looking to have some fun with someone new and NOT looking to replace your old relationship or feel desperate for company. There's nothing worse than a sad, desperate single searching for love too soon. Some research suggests that for every year you were in the relationship it takes six months to fully heal - or example, if your relationship lasted three years that means 18 months after your break-up your ex won't be crossing your mind, affecting your judgement, etc.

2/ The best way to boost your confidence is to do something you've been putting off. Ideally select an interest or hobby that your ex didn't like, but you longed to do - get out there and do it! Next it sounds shallow but there's nothing like a “break-up make-over” to lift your mood - go for that new haircut or a new style of clothes. Spend loads of time with people who make the feel good - your best mates, your family, the person who makes you laugh at work. Do anything that puts the zing in your life like taking a dance class or doing an action sport to boost those feel good endorphins!

3/ Dating has changed enormously in the last 10 years. There are huge benefits to internet dating for someone who is time-short and wants to get a look at the person first. But there are just as many drawbacks - the most important being that loads of people lie about themselves or post old pictures when they looked younger on their Net site. Speed dating is the same - with huge benefits where you get to meet a lot people very quickly but many find it daunting and don't “shine” in their allocated three minutes. There are many gimmicky dating events around - lock & key parties, dating in the dark, etc, and if you've got quite a bit of confidence or can get friends to go with you these can be good fun, but again daunting If you're feeling insecure or vulnerable.

4/ The easiest way to tell if you’re rebounding is if you constantly compare your new lover to your ex - then you’re definitely not over your ex. The second best way to tell is if you feel you're passionately in love and it's the "Real Thing" within a couple months of your break-up. 90 per cent of rebound relationships break up - there simply not the real fame can! The best outcome from a rebound relationship is when they fail you're likely to put the brakes on your emotions, slowdown, enjoy being single, and then you'll be ready to find a real love.