Dr Pam Spurr

From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair

From platonic relationship, to one night stand, to affair

some questions and answers: 

Is it easy to define platonic relationship - and if so, what is it?

At a "pure" level platonic friendship doesn’t involve sexual desire and need. However, as with all close relationships the dynamics change from time to time. This means one or both people might find their feelings deepen into sexual territory. In a truly platonic relationship they would be able to talk these things through. However if they’ve always harboured a secret desire for the other it's harder to be honest about this.

Can a platonic relationship easily develop into a one night stand/affair - or is it LESS likely to than a frienship that's always had sexual frisson?

Flirty friendships often stay just that. Because of the sexual frisson both people have their needs met for flirty fun and don't need to take it further. However when a platonic relationship develops into more it's usually because there's been some deeper emotional needs met through the closeness the two people have been sharing. Then if one person has a problem, they know they can count on the platonic friend. But there's a risk the emotional need sometimes spills over a sexual need when they are vulnerable.

Why do some one night stands develop into full blown affairs, and some stay as just a one night event?

There are many reasons why some one night stands stay just that. For example, it wasn't as good as you thought it’d be, you got the urge out of your system, it made you realise you were getting into risky territory. Those that spill over into full I've and blown affairs have been electric, satisfying, exciting and both people decide to make it into more.

What is the advice for man/woman couples who want to stay platonic friends without going further sexually OR upsetting any respective partners?

To prevent upsetting your partner - put your partner first! If you yawn when your partner rings you but get all giggly and conspiratorial when your platonic pal does, how do you think your partner will feel? The best way of judging whether your platonic relationship could spell trouble is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Imagine how you'd feel if they were investing that much energy into a platonic friendship.