Dr Pam Spurr

Some points about men who might give you "mad cow disease"

Some questions and answers about men who might give you "mad cow disease" - where you end up acting at the crazy! 

Is there any way of predicting if a man is going to muck you about?

In the early days there are some accurate predictors for a man who’s likely to play with your head or bring out the ‘mad cow’ in you. Watch out for these signs: 1/ does his behaviour match his words, i.e., if he says he’s going to ring you does he? because the more his words and actions match the less likely he’ll mess around with your heart. 2/ does he go on about ex girlfriend and conquests – he’s got something to prove and he may try to bring you down to his level of insecurity. 3/ does he ridicule/tease you in front of his friends/family you’ve just met? He’s trying to knock your confidence. 4/ does he avoid asking about you and your life? If he disinterested early on he’ll be even less interested later on. 5/ does he make you feel ‘bad, sad or mad’ in any way? Then he’s honed in on your buttons and is pressing them.

When things turn sour and he seems to be avoiding you , how many times are you allowed to call him, etc?

When lumbered with an ‘avoider’ you’re unlikely to get anywhere in keeping a break-up adult-like or getting any answers. They simply don’t have the relationship skills to handle things well and will do anything (and invariably make it worse!) to just get out of your way. When facing this do not ring/text him after three attempts. You will end up looking like a bunny boiler and completely mad. The closure you can give yourself is that you’re too good for him since he can’t even talk about it. Do you really want a man like that? Do NOT turn up at his office or home. Ring a girlfriend who you can trust to stop you doing such desperate things.

Should you take revenge on a guy who's treated you badly?

Is it acceptable in some circumstances but not others? 

The best revenge is always to move on! But if you can’t resist do write your plan down and run it past friends you can trust. Do leave it for 24 hours before taking any revenge. Obviously don’t do anything against the law! Sometimes subtle is best, e.g., if a mutual friend asks if you’re missing him then tell them about the fab new guy you’ve met (even if you haven’t met any!). It’ll get back fast enough that men are trying to snap you up.

How can you move on from a relationship that goes sour? Especially, how can you move on from your own 'mad cow' behaviour?

You stop the pattern mainly through recognition – as soon as you recognise old feelings of ‘madness’ and insecurity with someone new you cut your losses and stop seeing this person OR ensure you draw boundaries on their behaviour that’s getting to you. For example, if they never ring when they say they will you actually say to them that it’s not good enough. And don’t wait for their calls either – keep busy! If it continues you stop seeing them. Once you’ve learnt to be strong with your boundaries it becomes a good relationship habit. If the problem lies with you, as you’re too demanding, then you have to check yourself and think, ‘are my expectations realistic?’ Either way you can break negative patterns.

There are two types of woman most likely to stick with a man who’ll drive them mad the People Pleaser or ‘yes’ woman and perennial doormat who’ll go along with anything. She fears standing up for herself as worries he won’t like the real her. And the Passion Victim who thrives on dramatics and so hangs in there when a guy is definitely bad for her.