Dr Pam Spurr

When you "down date"

When you "down date"

Many women "down-date", choosing men who are unsuitable for a variety of reasons. Typically they’re bad-boy types where the detail of their bad-boy behaviour may be different but there are common strands. These strands tend to be 1/ unreliability, 2/ an inability to commit to a healthy relationship or 3/ they like a woman chasing after them and trying to control them.

Most women go for a bad-boy, or down-date, at some point in their life. Let's face it, the unreliable types that you have to chase after often have loads of charm and buckets of testosterone. When they're with you, they can make you feel fantastic. But when they're not with you, it's a case of you’re out of sight and out of their mind.

Some women get stuck in a repeating cycle of down-dating. They seem unable to resist the excitement and risk of having an unreliable man that messes them round. What this says about the woman is that she probably has a deep-seated insecurity and a self-destructive streak. With every new bad-boy she dates she knows it's going to end in tears. But it’s a continuing challenge where she thinks, “maybe this one will work out.” Or with every man she down-dates she enjoys the feeling being in control of the man who, e.g., earns less than she does. In rare cases some women actually enjoy the fact that when they down-date the man is ridiculed by her friends. This gives her a type of power over him because the message to him is, "you're not good enough for me so you’re lucky I'm going out with you!"

The best thing you can do with a friend who's down-dating or going after bad boys is keep talking to her about it. Challenge her when she makes excuses for him like, "he's having a hard time at work right now so I’m not surprised he's taking it out on me." She may need her confidence boosting generally so try and get her involved in things that make her feel good about herself. Or if she's a natural risk-taker challenge her to take up something risky like skiing. Some people need to find that healthy edge in life so that their relationships can be positive without the risk.