Dr Pam Spurr

Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch ...

Never Underestimate The Power Of Affection And Touch...There's a lesson for all in the story of a couple married 80 years. They wisely put their relationship success to sharing a kiss and cuddle every night before bed.

From the moment a baby’s born touch is important to developing healthy bonds. Those without this bond show emotional withdrawal from the world, developing into adults that find intimacy difficult. Or, as with most men, those even from loving families found they came to a certain age, say 9-10, and were positively discouraged from asking for a hug from their mum.

These issues leave many couples with a touch of a problem, so to speak! A refrain I hear from female friends and clients is that once the sexual passion’s waned affectionate touch goes out the window too. "I can’t give him a simple cuddle without him thinking I mean sex nowadays!" women moan. That's because long ago he learnt not to have “emotional” hugs. So when a woman offers him one he thinks she’s signalling full on passion.

Tina, 36, has been driven to distraction by partner Nicholas's hug-confusion. Together four years, once the honeymoon phase died down she didn’t want such high levels of sex. But she still wanted cuddles! Nicholas however displays a positively Pavlovian dog response to hugs. I've armed her with some techniques to help him relearn that sometimes a hug is just about emotional comfort and not a starter's pistol to sex.

Because when we get this balance right - sometimes after much hand-wringing - touch is a wonderful thing for both men and women. When our skin is touched our bodies produce various responses including producing oxytocin the emotional bonding hormone. This makes us feel good around our loved one. That heart-warming feeling means we want more of their company. And so the cycle goes on bonding us together. Who could guess something like holding hands could see you through the years?

A similar article was published in The Times newspaper