Dr Pam Spurr

The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex

The three tell tale signs you aren't quite over your ex -

1) You still feel a bit rebellious when you wear that skirt he always hated

The old ‘cut your hair’ syndrome – the mark of a break-up is often a quick hairstyle change! Lingering feelings of rebellion of the ‘I’ll show him’ type are very common. With time - even if still there - do NOT tend to hold you back from break-up recovery. In the first few weeks after a break-up they’re about redefining yourself. After that they’re simply an ongoing way of reminding you that you’ll continue to be yourself!

TIP: Learn to wear ‘that skirt’ for yourself – not as a rebellious form of payback. To really cut him out of your life do the things he hated and you loved and missed while with him. Actions move you forward much more quickly then hanging on to the things – like your skirt – that he didn’t like.

2) You're still friends with his sister/mum/best friend (who are you kidding - you just want to know about his love life)

It’s natural to want to keep tabs on someone you once loved. And face it you’re hoping to hear he’s miserable! It’s like breaking a habit – you had your daily does of what he was up to while together and now it’s a hard habit to break – it must be done as this will be damaging in the long run to your recovery.

TIP: Bite your tongue when you feel a prying question coming on and tell them tactfully that you value their friendship, see them as separate people from your ex, and from now on he’s off limits for conversation. If you can’t stick to this his sister/mum/pal will have to be off limits ‘til you can!

3) When something goes really wrong, you can't think of who to call (because your gut instinct is to call him)

Straight after a break-up we find ourselves thinking, ‘I’ll ring him and tell him my cat got run over, I got the promotion, etc.’ This is because your ex was your Number 1 confidante. When you’ve shared everything this is a knee-jerk reaction that says you’re still very attached emotionally.

TIP: Time to increase the circle of people you can count on. Take control and when you know something’s likely to happen, e.g., your boss has been making noises that you’re doing well or you’ve had to take ‘Binky’ to the vet, share it with someone you care about and is in your life now. Your thinking will start to ‘reframe’ so when something comes out of the blue you think of ringing this new person.