Dr Pam Spurr

Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating...

Friends Connected at the Hip & Dating...

[All personal details changed as in every article]

Henry, 37, complained that new girlfriend Gillian, 35, was connected at the hip to her best friend. It had started so well when they met on a popular dating website. Gillian brought Amy along to their first "date" at a coffee shop. He assumed Gillian had her there for personal "security" reasons when meeting him - a date who was essentially a stranger despite their intense exchange of e-mails. Nevertheless Gillian and he seemed to have instant chemistry.

However Amy was now popping up on most of their dates in one form or another - pre-theatre drinks before he and Gillian went into the theatre without her. At Gillian's flat when Henry collected her, at a salsa evening all three went to, etc. Henry felt this new relationship was rather crowded with three people in it, and that Gillian's behaviour revealed a schoolgirl-type mentality by having a friend in tow.

I had to agree. It’s one thing to have a friend check out a new date for safety reasons but another to keep dragging her along. I suggested that women often do this when they're not sure about a new relationship, whereas men tend to without any real agenda behind it.

Henry needed to set boundaries on how many people showed up on their dates. He gently challenged Gillian over this issue saying that Amy was likeable enough but he felt he couldn't get to know Gillian at a deeper level. Funny enough, it was his challenge that crystallised in her mind that she wanted to get to know him more. Prior to that Gillian had felt a little insecure generally about men and specifically about deepening this new relationship. And though she knew she was attracted to Henry it was easier to have Amy there like a personal safety-valve. So Amy (probably much to her relief!) stopped playing gooseberry and Henry and Gillian took their time getting to know each other over dinner for two.

An edited version of this was published in The Times