Dr Pam Spurr

When You and Mr Right Want Different Things

When You and Mr Right Want Different Things - some questions and answers

 1. What do you do when you and your Mr Right dream different dreams?
(i.e you've met him, been with him several years, bring up that shared dream you had at the beginning of relationship of going travelling together but he doesn't want to anymore, he likes his stability and job?)

Women make one big mistake: they assume they have to do everything with their Mr. Right! But handled sensitively you can still live your dream AND stay together. If, e.g., you want to travel to Asia and Australia for three months and he decides he no longer holds this dream, if he’s really Mr Right he’ll support your plan. What’s important to your relationship is ensuring you keep in regular and loving contact. Send/email surprises and never use emotional blackmail where you insist your Mr. Right stick to your original plan. People’s dreams change and a solid couple will support changes in the other and not feel threatened by them.

2. What happens when you put your career before Mr Right (been to uni, live to work in a different city and get offered a job miles away from them)

We often fear having to be apart in a long distance-type relationship when actually if you’re keen to get ahead in your career this could be the ideal way of doing so. You can save quality time for each other at weekends and during the week put all your efforts into your fledgling career.  The important way of handling this is to ensure your time together is ‘career-free’. You clear your schedule so that nothing comes between you two at weekends.

3. What if you're so busy partying you leave Mr Right at home twiddling his thumbs? (You're just not ready to play settled down housewife but it doesn't mean you don't love him..)

Typically within couples one will be more out going than the other. We expect it’ll be the man out with his mates propping up a bar but very often it’s the woman. As long as you have ‘dates’ together that you both enjoy there’s nothing wrong with pursuing social time alone. What will strain your relationship is if you arrive in after a night out and brag about how many men you had to tell you had a boyfriend to! Don’t rub Mr Stay-at-Home’s nose into your popularity. Indulge him in loads of affection and attention when together. Ensure he doesn’t become Mr. Bore-in-Doors because all he does is watch telly in your absence. Ask him about the things he does when you’re out, etc.

4. What if you're so scared of things going wrong, so used to being single that you push Mr Right away?

Many women fear intimacy and loss of freedom if they get involved. Take things slowly and at your pace when you meet a potential Mr Right. If you feel in control you won’t fear your emotions getting out of control. Once you know him let him know that it takes you time to let down those single-girl boundaries.

5.Could he be Mr Right if he is out with his mates all the time being a lad and not ready to settle down?

A man who stills wants to be a lad is not Mr Right unless you love a challenge. Such a man will not be tamed easily. But if you like your freedom too, and you trust him not to have affairs it could work. Set the rules you’ll both play by. Give it a whirl and if it hurts more than you thought - he’s Mr Wrong.

6. Is there such a thing as a wrong time if he's Mr Right?

Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. They have all the qualities you like but you may have just come out of a long relationship and don’t want to be tied down. Or you’re moving to New York and a long-distance relationship will be too difficult at that distance. Sometimes you’ve got to say, ‘he’s great and someone else will snap him up but that’s the way it is.’