5 classic deal breakers and tips to cope...
I was just speaking to someone who broke up with her 'new-ish' boyfriend due to his lack of passion in the bedroom. She's a passioante woman and she wanted more.
After only dating for 8 weeks she decided to cut loose, her perogative!
But I remembered this article I wrote about deal breakers, here you go...
Relationship deal breakers - the toughest things to negotiate with him
Problems in the bedroom are a classic deal breaker when it comes to relationships but there are others too.
Here are five of the most common deal breakers and how you might turn them around into deal makers.
The Deal Breaker No 1: Different expectations in the bedroom –
The most common culprit is when you have different levels of sex drive. We always assume it's going to be the man who wants more sex but very often the tables are turned as in Katie's experience. This causes hurt feelings and misunderstandings
The Deal Maker:
Definitely start positively - think about what ‘works’ when you have sex. For instance, you might not have a lot of sex because of different sex drives, but when you do you're quite experimental trying different positions.
Begin the conversation with, e.g., "we’re so hot when it comes to trying new positions but I know it's frustrating we don't want sex at the same time."
Have this conversation when chilled out - not after you've rowed about sex. Set an optimistic mood with an understanding, confident tone of voice. Ask for his suggestions and definitely suggest a compromise between your desires.
Finally, ensure the partner with lower sex drive isn't overworked, has health issues, or is unhappy in the relationship. And that the partner with a higher drive isn't using sex to boost their confidence because they feel insecure.
The Deal Breaker No. 2: Baby makes three –
One of the biggest decisions you two will ever make is whether to have a baby. It can be devastating when you don't agree.
The Deal Maker:
As soon as a couple feels they're getting serious they should discuss feelings about starting a family. Best to know early where you stand. That said, if down the line you can't agree first explore why the person that doesn't want a baby feels this way.
Secretly inside do they harbour doubts about whether they'd be a good parent? Or maybe they harbour doubts about your relationship? Time for honesty about such feelings - because once on the table there might be solutions.
Equally, does the baby-loving partner want a baby for the wrong reasons - secretly fearing your relationship's falling apart and a baby might patch things up? Never a good reason to become parents!
Try spending time with friends’/relations’ children so you get a feel for the responsibilities parents face.
After thoroughly discussing feelings about parenthood agree a period of time - maybe six months - in which the ‘B’ (baby) word isn't mentioned. Revisit after this time of ‘no pressure’ and you might find changes in your/their feelings.
The Deal Breaker No. 3: Money, money, money –
Money differences are cited in a third of breakups. You love each other, have fun together, and assume you’ll have the same attitudes towards money. Think again!
The Deal Maker:
If you're not living together (and not fully committed) you simply need to decide how you share out spending on dates. You both need to consider the other's earnings to keep things fair.
If living together/committed it's incredibly helpful to look at where your different attitudes come from. Maybe one of you comes from a background where money was tight and you can't bear wastage. Once you understand such things you're less likely to fight and more likely to discuss expenditure.
Think in ink - sit down together and write out your incomings and outgoings. Seeing these in black-and-white can focus your minds on how much extra you have to play with.
Discuss what ‘big ticket’ items need saving for and look at what's left over - discuss how best to share out any extra money between you.
The Deal Breaker No. 4: Whose house?
When you're not living together rows often revolve around who’s flat to stay at. You're both likely to have individual needs that mean staying in your own place makes your life easier. When it comes time to moving in the big issue becomes where to live.
The Deal Maker:
If you're really into each other - but not living together - the key word is "compromise”. Either agree a straightforward ‘every other night’ rule. Or simplify it and make it an ‘every other fortnight’ thing - where for a fortnight you always stay at one person's place when you've been out together. Then swap over staying at the other partner's place for a fortnight.
When it comes to moving in there are many factors. You might have a gut feeling about one neighbourhood over another - but that's not good enough. Spend the time to get to know both of your favourite neighbourhoods. Get practical and, e.g., time the journeys to each other's work-places from both neighbourhoods.
Ultimately if you're going to work as a couple you need to be able to work these things out.
The Deal Breaker No. 5: The in-laws/the outlaws –
It's amazing how the parents you love can so annoy your partner - and vice versa. There can be many reasons why this dynamic is tricky.
The Deal Maker:
Discuss why issues have arisen with either or both sets of your parents. When they visit do they impose their opinions and give unwanted advice? You both need to stand up to your own parents and ask them not to butt in. This can be done firmly but tactfully.
Or do you have a problem ‘sharing’ your partner with their parents? Maybe you need to consider being a little more generous about spending time all together. Or sometimes you two see your individual parents on your own.
Finally, beware of criticising your partner's parents. Even if their parents can be a pain they may not want to hear it put that way!