Should you have a romance with someone on the rebound? Snooping on your partner...
In today's Express newspaper I've commented on the Jools Oliver story - a few thoughts below.
But first rebound relationships - haven't we all been there and done that - been on the rebound, licking our wounds, feeling hurt and cling on to the first person who comes our way? Or if you haven't been there yourself - maybe you started dating someone and quickly realised they were still in a lot of emotional pain from a breakup?
How to handle it, what to do when you like this person? I've tackled this today in my Love Clinic at iVillage UK - I'll put a live link in here when the article goes live later.
A woman had got in touch about dating a man for the last four months - he'd come out of a six year relationship and was still involved in various ways with his ex. The problem is she's falling hard for him - check out my advice to her over at the iVillage site.
So I'm going to a proper summer hard and party drinks event tonight - armed with a raincoat, umbrella, and shoes I hope to get ruined! It's getting a bit ridiculous, isn't it?
TODAY’S TIP: Back to rebounds - it's the most human reaction when you're in emotional pain to seek out love and comfort - so it's hardly surprising people get involved in rebound relationships.
The tip I want to leave you with today is set your own boundaries on how much time and love and attention you give to the person who's on the rebound. You protect yourself that way while they heal.
My thoughts on checking your partner's mobile, etc...
Jamie Oliver's wife Jools has been searingly honest about how frequently she checks Jamie's correspondence for signs of flirting. This raises an important question about trust in relationships: just what is acceptable behaviour when you feel temptation might lurk in your partner's life?
The ideal answer would be no partner should ever consider snooping. They'd enjoy such trust it’d seem unthinkable. And I sincerely wish we lived in such an idealised world. However my work in the real world, coupled with statistics from repeated surveys revealing high levels of infidelity, tells me this is a complicated and delicate issue.
I do think Jools reportedly repeated checking is excessive and it's preferable for a couple to work on better strategies to enhance trust. But you might be surprised that I don't believe an occasional check by a partner makes them a ‘bad person’ when they're worried about a blip in their relationship and temptation on the horizon.
In my experience such random checking comes after much heartfelt angst over whether or not they should check their partner’s mobile. It's often followed by tremendous guilt because, thankfully, in most cases they've been reassured. And it's usually not repeated.
Yes, couples must lay the foundations for trust and if at all possible avoid sneaky peeks at each other's private correspondence. Initially the best way forward is each partner doing as they say. If you behave in a trustworthy way and your actions match your words, it's incredibly reassuring to your partner.
Happy Tuesday, Pamx