Dr Pam Spurr

Single? Friends and Their Part in Your Dating!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

If you're like I am, your friends play a big part in your life. And when you're single, they are there for your dating adventures - as you are for theirs - and also for simply still doing things together as friends.

As a single, your friendships are so important, they can keep you focused on life as something more than just looking for a partner. However, in my date coaching work I frequently hear from people who feel disappointed in a friend’s behaviour, when they meet someone new.

The biggest culprit is a friend who feels justified in being your dating guide, dating consultant, love-guru know-it-all, dating-vetter, etc,. They want too much control of your dating.

Here are a few tips to ensure friends help – and don’t hinder – our dating:

* Beware of their criticisms - An overprotective friend may look for the slightest error someone new in your life makes. Let's say that person was late for a date with you. Your friends start saying things like: he/she must be unreliable and not good enough for you.

Be ready to flag up the positive points of this new person. And keep it simple and say thank you for their concern but you're going to give this person a bit more time.

* They just don't like the look of your date - We've all been here - you're introduced to someone new and you literally don't like the look of them. You can't put your finger on it, you just know that you won't like them. Don't let a friend’s instant judgement put you off someone that so far, you've judged to be pretty good.

It's your feelings that count. Again, tactfully telling your friend that you're going to give this person a little time -and you hope they'll be on board with that - is the best way of setting your boundaries.

* Know when to listen to your friend - If you have ‘form’ when it comes to choosing totally inappropriate boyfriends or girlfriends then that is the time to listen to what your friend has to say about this new person. A friend that knows us well - and knows that we've made a number of bad choices - probably has the wisdom that you might be lacking.

*Coping with their criticisms - There may be a time when you start dating someone that you think is your match, and you're really invested in this fledgling relationship - but a friend still isn’t on board. They're always criticising this new person.

Have a think about what their motivation might be. Could they actually be envious that you have found someone? And also they might feel a bit left out? It's quite a natural reaction for a friend to blame the new person rather than owning up to their feelings of envy.

Try opening up a conversation with your friend. Tell them you really want to get to the bottom of why they don't like someone that you now really like. Also give your friend some quality time. It's a balancing act when you have someone new in your life and you let good friends go by the wayside, for a bit, as you plunge into the new relationship. This might be something you need to work on.

Of course, you don't have to see a friend as much as you're seeing a new lover. There is almost always a period of adjustment before you find a good balance between your new relationship and your friendships. But keeping up the messaging and chats you once had with friends, is a very good idea.

Good luck, Happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n