Thinking of the Queen and anyone else who's grieving, a few tips...
The loss of a lifelong partner can be far more devastating and traumatic than imagined. When a couple has enjoyed a life-time of love they also create a daily-life of little routines they share together.
These routines include little habits right down to who makes the tea - and knowing just how their partner likes it. It also includes gestures of affection like a good morning peck on the cheek and holding hands down the high street. These become like a protective shield around the couple. They know they can count on each other and how smoothly their life runs like they can count on the sun rising.
When that’s ripped away because of bereavement the partner left behind faces all-consuming grief. Every moment of every day is a reminder of their loss. The foundation of their life - their relationship - is all around them and yet it's no longer there.
This feels overwhelming and it's hard to find comfort when all you long for is to have that person back by your side. Considering how desperately sad life now feels, it's not surprising some medical research suggests intense grief reactions lead to the partner left behind, sadly passing away quickly.
Bereavement for others in the family and friends…
When it comes to adolescents, research shows that boys often have the most difficult time compared to other family members. They are less likely to reach out and share their feelings of grief. It’s important to keep an eye on all children after a bereavement but particularly for boys.
What parents often don’t realise in their own grief, is that teenagers experience the perfect storm of grief – it’s churning below the surface and has to come out at some point. Think of it like a pressure cooker – grief can come bubbling to the surface weeks, months, even years after the actual death.
The classic stages of grief - like numbness, shock, anger, desperate pain and longing, adaptation - can be very confusing children especially teenagers, who are already a cauldron of emotions.
But for anyone, the most beneficial way of negotiating the different stages of grief are to accept that you need to roll with the punches – when you are having a good day embrace it and carry on. But when you are having a bad day, you have to let people know that you are struggling so you don’t struggle alone.
An important point to bear in mind is there is no right or wrong way to grief. For instance, no two family members will grieve the same way or at the same time.
And the adage time as a healer is true but it certainly won't feel like it when you're grief is so raw.
Even the established cycle of grief – from shock and numbness, to pain and sorrow, even anger at being left behind, to eventually some sort of acceptance - does not always occur in this same sequence. And this cycle shouldn’t be rushed.
What every person needs to discover is what works best for them while they grieve.
Again, sharing feelings helps most people while some prefer to work things out on their own. As long as they do that and don’t leave their grief unresolved.
Think of ways that you or maybe the entire family, or friendship group if you've lost a friend -can celebrate the person’s life.
Think of their interests and what were their passions and what made them happy and planning how to memorialise them.
Even the small things can make a difference to helping you through the grief process – for instance, they might have had a favourite flower and if you plant one or put one on a pot, on your windowsill, it can be a source of comfort thinking how much they would love that.
Unresolved grief…
The first step for anyone who suddenly experiences a deep sense of loss or even PTSD long after a loved one’s death, is to realise it’s never too late to resolve unresolved grief issues!
Talking definitely helps and it’s important to share with someone you trust what you’ve been going through. Sometimes a trusted friend or family member will do – you finally open up to them – other times you might feel you’d rather speak to a professional grief counsellor.
Grieving becomes a one day at a time way of living. Once you start to deal with your loss you can start to think how you can best celebrate the person you miss.
Definitely contact any local bereavement services if you are struggling with your grief.
Having been bereaved twice in the last year I feel for you. Covid has added another dimension to how we grieve, making this process even more difficult, even traumatic.
Lots of love, Pam x