Dr Pam Spurr

Single? Beware of ‘Ghostlighting’

My new column for Wingman Dating App...

Just when you think you've heard it all - that there won't be any new dating trends or specialised words highlighting something in dating (you know, like ‘breadcrumbing’) - along comes ghostlighting.

This is truly a trend from the dark side of singlehood. It highlights some very toxic behaviour.

What is ghostlighting? For starters you have ghosting. Ghosting is when you've been chatting on an app or have even met up and had some dates and then suddenly they become a ghost. They no longer exist in your life. There is no explanation and they just disappear.

Then you have gaslighting. Gaslighting is where someone makes you feel like you're slightly crazy because they're doing and saying things that don't chime together. It epitomises cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the awkward feeling you have when you know one thing to be true but something else is happening that contradicts that. It's the opposite feeling to being on an even keel.

Ghostlighting is an alarming combination of the two. Firstly, the person you've been chatting to - or have actually met up - with ghosts you, disappearing from the scene. Then at some random time they pop back up and when you question them, they act like you've got a problem. That there is nothing for you to be concerned about because here they are again!

Of course, that behaviour is extremely concerning and you should be concerned about it. When you express any further concern, they continue to allege that you're the one who's too sensitive. Or that you're too needy, etc.

A few tips for coping with this situation:

* Don't let them get away with it. Continue to stand your ground. Explain that you would never treat someone that way and that you don't expect it to be treated that way.

* If they then take your points seriously, listen to their reasons. Does their reason make any sense? For example, were they “all over the place” because of something traumatic happening in their life? Don't forget coma you are the judge of whether or not they have any ground to stand on.

* If you set such extremely hard boundaries with them, you might find they concede that you're right and they say that they will do better. It's up to you if you give them another chance.

* Any hint down the line of such behaviour and you should be straight out of there. Because this is where your all-important intuition should kick in and tell you that although they might have had some reasons for behaving badly, that now, a second time around, you are not going to risk being upset by them again.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n